Finding The Way, One Step At A Time.

I have been depressed for many years, as has a lot of my family. My mum was depressed her whole life and dad has anxiety which he's lived with his whole life. I was always taught that "it's just the way life is", "my genes are faulty", "it will probably be that way for the rest of my life!"

I don't know what it is about me that was/is different to the others in my family. I knew I get sad very easily, but there is so much evidence out there in the world telling me that there are amazing things to see if only I can open my eyes. There are so many wonderful people out there in the world to notice if I can tear my attention away from all the people predicting doom and gloom. People with positive, glowing experiences in the world who don't feel compelled to preach at me why I'm so "faulty/faithless/cop out" or whatever, who understand that we all have our feelings and that it's right to have them. It's what makes us human.

I now believe that one major reason I was so sad is because mum kept telling me she was so sad, and dad always acted like life is out to get us or some paranoid irrational lectures at the time. It breaks my heart. I can see now that no matter how perfect I am, no matter how many acheivements I accomplish and no matter how many ways I discover to find ways to make life a happier place, I will never, ever be good enough to make them proud of me, or to have them show me any love. I can never make them happy by giving up my own happiness. I don't know why I thought I could? Just part of the way I was conditioned I guess. The only "sympathetic one" of my family. There to save everyone from their own emotions?

I know it seems impossible to overcome, when surrounded by people who encourage me to give up. I still cry easily. I no longer think it's my fault! If someone I love more than anything keeps putting me down or squeezing me out, then that's going to hurt and I have a right to cry about that if I want to. Then I can finally stop fighting myself. I have to keep reminding myself lots that I'm an OK person and to show myself the same compassion I would show any other person. To be kinder to myself. I'm happy more days than I'm sad now! When I get sad, I often know why and allow myself to express it. I am learning how to tell people to back off and respect my boundaries in a gentle, but clear and firm way. I think life is a beautiful thing full of much pleasure and pain. I think I'm a much happier person when I keep a distance from those who only make me cry, and move forward towards the people in life who show me kindness and express happy thoughts more often than not.

melliebray melliebray
26-30, F
Jul 22, 2010