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The Pain That Is Pure

I suppose that the easiest way to explain the beginning would be to look up my other story "The parents that were never there" - That would be the beginning. 

Lets just say that because of what had happened to me, before my daughter was born, I kinda chose the same men that my mother did.  I think that I could join a whole host of groups here, like depression, anxiety, etc. etc.  Except of course ' I am a homocidal maniac'  Thats going to too far.  Although I was perhaps one to myself.  Self destruction tends to be a symptom of abuse. Nice... If someone cant do it for you, do it to yourself. Mull over that psychological friends.

Anyway, my ex, wow what a winner, who also happens to be the father of my daughter, was a real piece of work.  Talk about possesive.  I wasnt allowed to work, talk to my family or even go outside.  And when the fights started... Thats when I need an escape. 

Thats how it started.  The pain was too much to bear, so I cut myself.  No one understands the feeling (except people in this group).  What a bunch of depressing people we are. But it was calming. I coul think clearly.  It was almost like taking things into my own hands.  I was in control for the first time in my life.

When my daughter was born though, all this stopped.  She is my saviour.  Although when I am upset I tend to burn myself, or cut my finger 'accidently'.  No one will ever know my secret. Except you.
antiluv antiluv 26-30, F 2 Responses Feb 23, 2011

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i've been a cutter for many years (approx. 17) and i can understand to a certain extent what you may be going through. it has been a while since i have intentionally "harmed" myself. i agree that no one knows what it's like unless they are or have experienced it for themselves. we all have our ways of "coping". some use drugs, alcohol, fighting, yelling, shopping, eating, ect....... it does give us a since of control but like the last comment says it's a lie. i would feel the same way until i realized i couldn't stop when i wanted to. it has taken me several years just to get to the point of being able to try something else before reaching for that blade. the emotional pain will eventually go away or lighten over time and with help but the physical scars are always going to be there. self harm is a temporary solution for an underlying problem. if you ever want to talk feel free to message me.

No offense taken mystic. I understand that not everyone grasps the concept of self-harming. you have to know that it feels likeI am in control. It takes the pain away thats inside. The pain inside is hundreds of times more acute than a blade or a flame. Sometimes I just need it to stop. My soul is wounded. And that hurts beyond belief