My Story of Cutting

I'm not quite sure what to write here.  I am new to this site and group.  I have never shared publicly what has been going on in my life when it comes to cutting.  I guess I will try and start from what I remember...I was feeling kind of bummed out, like nothing I was doing was getting me anywhere.  As a child, I had big dreams.  Now as an adult, it seemed I'd lost those somewhere along the way...not even quite sure when or where.  Soon I found myself feeling very down.  I casually mentioned it at a yearly appointment with a doctor who referred me to my primary care physician who then gave me prescriptions for Effexor. 

I began taking the Effexor and at first I felt amazing.  I was being so productive. Going to school every day (i'm a full time college student), being a super mom (have a 3 year old) and finding myself being very supportive of my husband who has a strenuous job in the Air Force.  Suddenly I had time for everything and felt good about life.  About two to three months into the Effexor I started having dizzy spells.  I also noticied I would sweat profusely.  It became highly uncomfortable and I was not getting any sleep.  I tried to stop taking it, and that is when I got really freaked out.  I started having all these crazy thoughts, just random flashes of pictures that would pop into my mind and be gone an instant later.  At night when I was able to sleep I would have terrible dreams.  Therefore, I continued on with the effexor. 

I told my mom finally of the depression and the medications and she suggested her and my brother come and get my son and take hm back to texas with them for a week to give me a little break.  I'd never been away from him so it made me nervous, but I certainly felt I could use a breather.  The night after my son left, my husband went to work and I found myself alone in the home.  I sat on the couch and watched tv thinking i'd enjoy the silence of the house.  But out of nowhere I got these image flashes of me poking my arms with a thumb tack.  These thoughts were so out of character for tell the truth I am deathly afraid of needles ( I mean, very bad) so to think this way was certainly odd but seconds later there I was trying to poke my arm with a thumbtack.  I realized it didnt do much and suddenly thought of a razor blade.  Ahah, I found one.  (dont even know why we had one in the house or how i knew wehre it was)...from this point things are a blur...I cut my arm twice, called my mom crying and told her...she insisted on calling my husband at work (he worked nights at this time)...meanwhile I'm on the phone with her still slicing my arm up...and it felt good.  I felt almost as if i'd earned it.  It wasn't a punishment-it was a reward. 

To make this story a bit shorter..I was hospitalized for five days because of this.  this was back in July of 08.  I was labeled Borderline Personality Disorder (a diagnoses I still do not agree with)....after leaving the hospital I continued to cut..I started acting like I was 21 again..with no home responsibilities...I made out with another military guy (still so thankful I didnt actually sleep with him)..I hardly had the energy to interact with my son.  I was now on so many meds that I slept ALL DAY.  I am not sure how my husband made it through this-but I am ever grateful that he did.  AFter about 4 months of this behavior I went to Texas for two months to stay with my parents.  I decided that it was the effexor that initially started my descent and everything was further exacerbated by more medications.  Doctors weren't listening to me but only focused on thier BPD diagnoses which really only fit me if I was on meds...not the real organic me that didnt take meds.  So I was on my own to go against their advice and get off the meds.  I truely felt like a drug addict at this point.  YOu really have to detox off all the crap they had me on.  I'd have nightmares, thoughts of suicide, uncontrollable bursts of emotions.  I was tired all the time and felt so worn down...but I made it through.  I went back home to my husband in Florida...and have since been seeing a psychiatrist and therapist on regular basis.  I am currently only taking one medication for help with sleeping.  I still do not believe I am BPD though I've done a great deal of research on it all.  I have cut only once since I stopped the meds and am clean of them...though the cutting offered me some releif--it wasn't something i felt i had earned or needed. 

I am still scared of my past.  I feel that I'm still running from depression and cutting.  I'm terrified of going back there...of becoming what I was.  I feel like I'm running from my own shadows. 

onlyamy onlyamy
Mar 6, 2009