Hurts So Good..

The only thing holding me back is the promise I made to myself.
It's been 6 months, we've got to see how long I can go. Can I just make it to a year? At least... It's so hard. Especially in moments like these, where I reach out for a helping hand, only to see my hand is the only thing that is here. The one that helps me, like when I write. The one that helped hurt me. Like when I'd cut. Sometimes pinch, slap, or punch.
I just want this addiction over with done and behind me.
But it used to save me from suicide. No I did not cut because I wanted to kill myself. If I cut, I didn't think about suicide. It was a pain and a saviour all in one. And I would feel like I had something even if it brought me nowhere while feeling like nothing. I just need it, you know? All the good things it brought me. But I've come this far, I can't go back. I keep searching for some alternative, some days it works, other days, like today, it doesn't. I couldn't help it. I'm still hurting myself but at least I'm not cutting, punching, pinching, or burning. That's something, right? Why must she be here, tempting me, she is always here when no one else is, always threatening me to fall into my old ways, and be just like her again. I can't be that monster. It wasn't life that way. I was hurting others that way, especially myself. I just wish she was gone and that the real me inside could care just a little more. I wish I could escape all of this that which burns and stirs a dangerous solution. I don't know what to do except turn away from my demons and hold onto myself..
WiltingBlossom WiltingBlossom
18-21, F
5 Responses May 25, 2011

I felt the same way about cutting. It kept me from doing worse things than just cutting. When I wanted to just kill myself out right, cutting helped so much. I needed it. Not only for that but for the pain. It is like cutting the pain inside out of you. Not forever but for a while. How have you been doing in your recovery? I know it is hard to do but I hope you are staying strong! Thanks for being someone I can relate to on this matter

Ahh thanks sleep :). Yes it is. Thank you thank you. <br />
<br />
<br />

Yes, it is. But when I stopped cutting for like a few weeks back in them ol' days. Yes, that is very true. I do, I just gotta remember the light <3. You've got it, I still didn't cut!! And since it's late may, that means 7 months!! Thank you so much for your support, love!

i'm always moved by your writing. and even more by your resilience. its so brave to be willing to grapple with one's inner demons. many are too afraid. but're a warrior. :)<br />
<br />
praying for you sista.

Well it IS great that it kept you from suicide... There's light behind every dark cloud, I guess, but now you have to see through the cloud that is hovering over your head now. There IS light behind it, and you WILL get past this addiction. We can do it. You can do it. You're strong as you need to be to beat your demons. Remember; demons hate the light, so grasp at it when you're reaching out your hand for help.