Hurts So Good..The only thing holding me back is the promise I made to myself.
It's been 6 months, we've got to see how long I can go. Can I just make it to a year? At least... It's so hard. Especially in moments like these, where I reach out for a helping hand, only to see my hand is the only thing that is here. The one that helps me, like when I write. The one that helped hurt me. Like when I'd cut. Sometimes pinch, slap, or punch.
I just want this addiction over with done and behind me.
But it used to save me from suicide. No I did not cut because I wanted to kill myself. If I cut, I didn't think about suicide. It was a pain and a saviour all in one. And I would feel like I had something even if it brought me nowhere while feeling like nothing. I just need it, you know? All the good things it brought me. But I've come this far, I can't go back. I keep searching for some alternative, some days it works, other days, like today, it doesn't. I couldn't help it. I'm still hurting myself but at least I'm not cutting, punching, pinching, or burning. That's something, right? Why must she be here, tempting me, she is always here when no one else is, always threatening me to fall into my old ways, and be just like her again. I can't be that monster. It wasn't life that way. I was hurting others that way, especially myself. I just wish she was gone and that the real me inside could care just a little more. I wish I could escape all of this that which burns and stirs a dangerous solution. I don't know what to do except turn away from my demons and hold onto myself..