Unexpected Realization

I was searching the library.  I had a problem to solve.  i knew my now ex-wife had a problem and someone had mentioned that maybe my wife was co-dependent.  I'd been married for 15 years and I was ready to try anything to fix the problem. 

I found the section on co-dependency.  my goodness how many book are there on this subject.  i can't read them all??  So after a few attempts I closed my eyes and grabbed the first one I touched.

Co-dependency was just one of many subjects I had looked into.  I studied about child abuse, child rape, the affects of adoption on children, multiple personalities, depression,  and many other subjects I thought might relate to my ex-wife's problem.

Co-depency just sounded... i don't know... just right.  I didn't know anything about the subject.  So I began reading... and reading.  By chapter 3 I had this strange feeling.  I wasn't reading about my wife...  i was reading about myself. 

No this couldn't be!  I wasn't the sick one... i was the healthy one...

then I read about this in the book.  It seems that in a co-dependent relationship there is one over and one covert person.  both people fighting for control...

No I wasn't controling ... that's my father... I can't be controlling then I'd be like...

But I read on...

Codependent people don't feel.  Well they do feel, but they somehow hide from thier feelings.  At least that's what the book said...

Codependent people use fantasy to help them cope and get throug to the next day... hmmm... my doctor mentioned that I cope... but no I'm the good parent...

One codependant person play the good parent role and the other the overt role that is not quite as socially acceptable...

We my wife must not be co-dependant because after all, I'm not co-dependant... it takes two to be codependent...

Throughout the book the author talked about feelings.  Codependent people block thier emotions.  Co-dependent people don't feel.  I knew in my heart that from childhood I always wanted to feel.  I was sure eventually I would feel.  But right now I couldn't let myself feel because the emotions wouldn't allow me to take on all these problems.

But the book said... "In order to be happy as human being feel.  It's part of thier nature."

I read this and suddenly I knew I wanted to feel.  i tried to remember the last think i felt, and i couldn't remember.  I'd actually wondered why I didn't feel more excited about my life, my accomplishments, my children's accomplishments, my childhood and so on...

It had bothered me in the past, but I'd decided not to worry about it and just put it in a room.  A room...  that's right there is a room inside my head, where I locked my emotions.  I decided I wanted to feel. I was halfway through the book... and decided I wanted to feel...

So I set down the book and began to imagine.  I imagined the door behind wich I put my emotions.  I'd always intended to open the door one day.  I knew it was too early, but the book said I couldn't truely be human unless I felt emotion.  So I decided to open the door... just a crack...

I opened that door... just a crack and was overwhelmed!  I slammed the door and leaned against the door.  Filled with the very few feelings that had flooded out. 

It changed my life...

I could never go back.  The emotions were overwhelming, painful and horrific... but even these horid emotions were better than living without emotion.  I tried to read further in the book but I couldn't finish the book, because each page was so painful as I realized the truth.  I finally returned the book to the library... only half read.

Everything changed for me.  Nothing had changed for anyone else, but for me I couldn't go on living the way I had.  I had nightmares now.  Woke up itching in imaginary places.  My wife couldn't understand?  I put all my emotions in a small room in my head... why don't you do that?

I knew it wasn't the same for her and I could never use that room again.  I begged my wife to go to therapy with me.  We tried that for awhile, but my wife's response after several months was, "I want you to make him like he was!" 

I knew in my heart that I could never go back.  I stopped working like a maniac and got to know my kids for the next two years.  Some were open, some were not.  I also tried to work things out with my wife.  I found myself walking through a set of steps to find myself again.  years later I read about the "12 steps" and realized I'd naturally been walking those steps on my own.  It felt good that I naturally was finding a path that would lead towards mental health.

While I still had bad habits, I found that my life changed.  I was no longer trying to figure out how to fix my wife.  I was trying to fix myself.  I began setting boundaries in my life and of course eventually my marriage ended. 

In time I mourned this relationship, forgave myself.  I continue on in my path now and find that often I feel very alone.  Yet when I meet other people on the path who have stumbled as I have and begun to find thier way, I have learned the true meaning of joy and happiness for another person.

As I walk this path my relationship with the universe, myself and my family makes more and more sense.  Principles and scripture that I memorized and thought I understood, I realize I never understood and am only just beginning to comprehend. 

I am a much happier person and am happy about this unexpected realization.