Retarded (part V)

I am a hopeless loser.  The monkey's have finally gotten to me and even though they are monkeys they have revealed the real truth about me- that I am nothing but a loser and will never be anything but a loser.

 

When I was growing up 100% of people hated me.  I had no friends- not a single one.  It was because I was poor and didn't have defenses like other poor kids.  Why didn't I have defenses like the other kids?

 

1) I was being abused.  Terrible things were happening to me.

2) I couldn't believe I was being judged on things like what kind of clothes I wore.  It seemed so shallow!  It was like when people came up to me and said, 'don't you know how to brush your teeth, don't you know how to clean your clothes, don't you know how to blah blah blah..." and teachers would judge me as stupid on the basis of these things...

I looked at them even at five years old and as my eyes pierced theirs I wondered, 'are all people REALLY this stupid?'  They really think it is because I am too stupid to know how to take a bath that I don't take one.

 

Did it even occur to a single one of these people that I was without hope.  At five years old I thought what is the point of doing ANYTHING?  NONE of you are gonna like me anyway!  No matter what I do, I won't be able to win.

So yes my attitude contributed to the problem and made it much worse and it followed me through my life and I still can't overcome it.

As a result of my bitter interactions with people I learned to loath a certain type of person.  But I loathed them mostly because as they criticized me I knew they were right about me and I went home and cried and cried about all the things they criticized me for - but did I go home and change out of the dirty clothes they were criticizing me for?  Did I go home and wash the dirt from under my fingernails?  Did I walk in the next day straightened up?  No.  And why?  Because I knew the 'defect of me' ran deeper than all that they were criticizing me for. 

And that defect they all saw is still there - the defect that makes most people (and I mean this truly) committ suicide. 

If you read my story you will find that later in life I decided since life has no meaning then I miswell pretend everything is actually the opposite that I know to be true.  So to the horror and laughter of everyone around me I went to university.  And I pushed my way through and for some strange reason I got A (s).  Honestly it WASN'T because I was smart (I am not joking), but I was so full of the game I was playing that I bought into the stupid letters on the tests I saw and I let it I guess put arrogance of some sort in me- which made me hate everyone else even more for their cruelty to me.  I saw at the basis of every personality prejudice and they made me shudder.

I learned to hate ANYONE who criticized or joked about other people unfairly and on shallow basis.  So you can imagine what shock I felt when Obama did that to the Special Olympics people.  Who cares if he 'intended' it or not- his words would be enough to hurt certain types of people (and I am one of those type of people) (and people like him couldn't make up for it by inviting people like me to the white hoouse either- I would throw the invitation back in his face). 

However big problem.  I am encountering these people at work- the type that hate me and would never understand me.  My enemies.  And they have control over me, and my entire future.  I do not know what to do.  I do not want to ever be anything like people like this.  And yet like I said, I hate them mostly because they are 'right' about me.  And it hurts.  It hurt so much as a kid I would go home and cry for hours and hours in my room over it.  And it still hurts because it is still happening.  I do not hate these people.  I hate myself and I wish I WERE like these people- not hurtful and mean, but 'normal'.

Everyone I know who has felt this way has committed suicide.  I am not joking.  I think of Wesley, Gladys (well she died of old age but she suffered through it), Chris...

even my mother in law could not bring herself to love me (not the way she loves my daughter, her son and her other daughter in law).

Anyway I need to get back to my college education.  This ALMOST convinced me that I was normal.  In fact it DID convince me that I was normal- then I went back down into the trenches.  I moved from the safety of Canada to America, and started working.  And I have been with this company now for 3 years.  In this three years, I have been ******** of all illusions of myself.  I realize now that my education was a complete illusion and they reminded me what I am REALLY like in all my ugliness.  I am not just saying this.  My teachers for some reason just didn't tell me the truth.  I think they saw the same thing as the people I work with but for some strange reason overlooked it.  I mean I am not talking about outward poverty or cleaniliness.  Remember these things I cried about because I knew that the 'real defectiveness' was underneath and that even if I got my PHD I would still be 'defective'.  And I was right.  Because at work I am not outwardly unclean.  They are reacting to something else- the defectiveness of my personality.  Even my husband sees it (he admited it and said he loves me anyway, despite it). 

Do you see how there is no hope?  No hope for me that is.  For eveyone else of course- this is your world!  But for me, there is no place on earth for me.

 

QuestionMarks QuestionMarks
41-45, F
6 Responses Mar 23, 2009

One of the vastities of individual problems is that though they are unique to the individual, they are common problems to many.<br />
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You are not retarded. Retardation is a brain malfunction. You write to well to suffer from this.<br />
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The advice from the people above me is solid.<br />
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Keep me informed if it will help you.

I don't know but Dauna and I have been following each other for a few weeks now and I haven't seen that side of her in her writings until I came across this. She is certainly not retarded. I think that when someone has such low self esteem all their life, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. It's certainly sad but If we can make at least one person see their worth in life, I think that's a fantastic thing. I love you Dauna!

That's the thing, nobody should have to change themselves unless they are being wrongfully hurtful to others. <br />
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What good are you doing when you say: Look, you are worthless because you are sad so much, you should hate yourself because you are not happier.<br />
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Some people have a reason to be upset, angry, or sad. Stop trying to turn life into a cartoon. Tragedy is never lacking from God's easel.

i don't know jojo, but how can a person change who she is if she isn't seeing how lucky she has it now? A loving hubby and a family. No one ever gets along with there mom in law and its RARE. Maybe i'm just the opposite of Dauna, as much as life was hell there will be sunlight the next day and the next day. So i was always happy.

You don't need hope. You are not defective. You have defected. There is a difference.<br />
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It wasn't that you didn't go home to clean your nails because you couldn't stand to let those people be right. It was because you knew there was nothing wrong with you for not cleaning your nails.<br />
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The fools are so obsessed with sanitation that they are developing allergies to everything in the world around them, from pollen to food.<br />
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Hope is over-rated, anyway. What are you hoping for. An end? Normalcy? Complacency? I will tell you: death is the ultimate form of equilibrium. Take pride in the sneers. They are an indication of your emotional success - your ability to see the more important things.<br />
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The reason you don't like it when people bring each other down is because your sense of justice tells you that you cannot stand by idly while another is being forced to endure the same things you faced. It is a strength in you to feel this way. It is a strength that you are not apathetic.<br />
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Shatter your chains and ignite the furnace within you. These links will melt, liquid to the rock of your truth.<br />
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You did well in school. That's nothing to be ashamed of. You applied yourself and pursued your educational interests. These "monkeys" would debase the educational infrastructure to measurement - grams, ounces, and dime-bags - their hands know, too well, the construction of a spliff.<br />
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These things are not flaws. They are alternatives to be celebrated. Rejoice in who you are.<br />
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Rejoice that a star cannot be whittled to fit in a square peg.

Dauna, What a sad story that made me cry. I'm sorry you have gone through your whole life feeling this way. I want to ask...... Have you EVER encountered at least ONE kind person towards you? I mean, I have always tended to fall in line with the underdogs.......somehow I feel you would have fit into my group. I was never popular as a kid. I was always the spastic kid who always got chosen last when picking sides. I'm not equating those things to what you described but I'm sad to think that nobody ever befriended you. I am sick to think that someone didn't. I'm sorry. You have a loving husband and family, I think that's the greatest gift of all! XX/OO