Broken Hearted X 2

When I was a younger man - at my peak you might say - I fell deeply in love. It lasted only six months, unfortunately, as she had to go back to her own country and although we tried to keep it going she broke it off after a few months. It was too intense and she was too young and scared... It was the last recession...

I was devastated for a number of years. Perhaps I've never got over it fully. She contacted me once... but we never saw each other again.

Some years later I moved in with a girl - we've been together for many years now but have never taken the next step to marry and have kids - although it's what she wants. The clock is ticking and a lot of our circle have now had kids. The pressure has been growing.

Then this summer - totally out of the blue - my ex-girlfriend tracked me down and got back in touch. She was living in her country still. She was married now with two young kids but her marriage was not a happy one as her husband had had an affair.

It became incredibly intense between us all over again... and the years melted away.

She told me she still loved me.... that she'd never stopped... that she'd wanted to get back in touch... that she'd come back to England and had wanted to find me but was also scared of my rejection...  etc. etc.

After 15 years we fell in love all over again - virtually this time!

It was like a dream.... but, like last time, things weren't to be... She wasn't willing to break up her family and - what with the recession - it would have been impossible for us to be together. She was scared...

I went through the same pain as all those years ago - only more intense, as I mourned not only losing her once more but the loss of my youth that she'd brought back to me.

Since then, life with my current partner has become intolerable. I am guilty and I am trapped. She deserves my love but I find it even more difficult to give it. I am at a crossroads... I must either commit and get on with a life with her or let her go and sell a house we've decorated together.... in difficult economic times.

And I can't get the dream out of me head....

I've been mildly depressed for a number of years but now, for the first time I've felt the need to go on anti-depressants and have even started seeing a therapist... Nothing seems to help.

I am sad a lot of the time.

 

zenon zenon
41-45
Mar 3, 2009