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Yes I Am Sad, Very Sad

Marriage isn't suppose to be about struggling for something that is suppose to be a natural and integral part of marriage.

It has really distorted what could otherwise be a great relationship.
JRSK007 JRSK007 51-55, M 5 Responses Dec 9, 2007

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I feel sad for you. I am dealing with a marriage that my husband who I am madly in love with tells me that he is not "in love with me" and is emotionally distant. You shouldn't have to work so hard to get the natural feeling. I wouldn't want to stear anyone wrong, but I am also in a perdicament where I don't know what to do. He just told me today that he is sorry he ever married me. I am so sad. I just want him to hold me and tell me that I am everything like I do to him. I miss the man I married. I feel for you because I can relate. It has turned sexual for me and now I feel like he isn't that in to me sexually, even though he says he is. Huh.

I too hate it that you are so unhappy - and I can relate to some of your story. I recently read an article on www.askmen.com that talked about "Why She Stopped Having Sex" - here it is:<br />
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http://www.askmen.com/dating/vanessa_60/97_love_secrets.html<br />
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An article about why she stopped having sex - 1, 2, 4, 6 - those all apply to my relationship with my husband.<br />
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6 Reasons Why She Stopped Having Sex By Melissa LaRicca<br />
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You've been with your girlfriend for a while, and things have been going well -- or so you thought. Lately, she is never in the mood. You've tried everything from seemingly endless foreplay to jumping her bones Tarzan-style, and nothing is working. In fact, your kid brother seems to be getting more action than you. What gives?<br />
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I hate to break it to you, but in the absence of her having a serious medical condition, this generally means that your relationship is in serious trouble or may even be ending. Think I'm jumping the gun a tad? Read on to discover the major reasons why women stop having sex with their significant others and see what I mean.<br />
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1- She's angry at you<br />
Most women cannot be intimate with a man they're angry with. And, unfortunately for you, many women bottle up their resentment, instead of simply letting you know when you've done something that upsets them. This means that your woman might be stark raving mad at you, yet you haven't the slightest clue that you've done anything wrong.<br />
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Solution: Talk to her and calmly ask her if you've done anything that has upset her lately. If she quickly says "no," and tries to change the subject, ask her again and encourage her to be honest with you. It's possible that after she gets what's bothering her off her chest, you two can have a mind-blowing round of make-up sex.<br />
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2- She's overwhelmed<br />
Maybe your woman isn't interested in sex because she is just overwhelmed with obligations lately. Between her work, workouts, night classes, family dinners, drinks with friends, cleaning the apartment, and cooking you dinner, it's a miracle that her head hasn't spun off.<br />
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Solution: When she gets home tonight, offer to help ease her load by cooking her dinner and doing the dishes. And tell her that she isn't allowed to do anything but sip a glass of wine and relax. I guarantee that she'll feel so loved and appreciated that she'll want to do anything to please you in return.<br />
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3- She doesn't like sex<br />
To be blunt, some women just don't like sex. Such women have sex with a guy in the beginning of the relationship to "land him," but once they have him where they want him, they don't feel that they have to have sex with him anymore. For women such as these, sex is a weapon they use to "reel in" men, and not a fun activity they enjoy.<br />
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Solution: Find out if she had bad sexual experiences in the past that have made her dislike sex. If so, why don't you try to change her mind about it, and show her how great it can be? If she insists that she simply doesn't have the same appetite as you when it comes to sex, then it's up to you to decide how important sex is to you.<br />
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4- She's feels unsexy<br />
It's very simple: If your girlfriend feels unsexy, she won't want to have sex. Maybeshe's put on a few pounds, she's exhausted or someone insulted her. It's not uncommon for a woman to judge herself too harshly. We are emotional creatures, after all.<br />
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Solution: Encourage her to take some time to pamper herself or treat her to an afternoon at the spa, or, better yet, give her a long massage. Sometimes something as simple as paying her a genuine compliment will remind her how attractive you think she is, and get her raring to go.<br />
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5- She's thinks the sex is boring<br />
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Perhaps the reason she no longer wants to have sex with you is because it has become a tad too dull and routine for her liking. If you catch her yawning amid sex, or worse; you'd rather be watching TV than pumping away, then chances are this the case.<br />
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Solution: Have sex in a different location, such as in a secluded outdoor spot. Incorporate aphrodisiacs, such as chocolate and strawberries, into your lovemaking. Buy her a naughty negligee or toy. You get the idea.<br />
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6- She's no longer attracted to you<br />
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Despite what she may say to your face, she may never be in the mood for the simple reason that she is no longer attracted to you. Although your touch used to send shivers throughout her entire body, and it took the greatest amount of restraint to wait until you got home from a party to have sex, you just don't turn her on anymore. And if she has an ounce of tact, she will tell you so in a subtle manner.<br />
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Solution: Perhaps the reason she is no longer attracted to you has little to do with you, per se, and more to do with someone else. Does she seem distant lately? Does she have a short fuse when it comes to you? Is she into doing things and going places that she never had an interest in before? If so, her attention may lie with another. <br />
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If this is the reason for your lack of intimacy lately, then I'm afraid there isn't much that can be done to resolve the issue. It is best to go your separate ways.<br />
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OR instead of there being another, it could be that she has struggled and fought to make something of your relationship for so long that she now feels completely defeated and resentful and the way you have acted toward her (the reasons she is angry with you), has made you unattractive to her! (That is my addition to the article because I thought this was a missing factor).<br />
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BE OPEN<br />
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While there may be other reasons for her refusal to have sex with you, these are the most common. Some are easier to remedy than others. Sometimes all it takes is a little open communication, while other times, the end of sex spells the end of the relationship.<br />
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I hope you find this as interesting as I do!<br />
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As for JRSK007 - I have talked with him several times and it sounds to me like he is or was doing all the right things to make his wife feel loved, but she has some huge issues about her attitudes and perceptions of sex as dirty and wrong and only for procreation - years of that being fed to you is hard to recover from and has to have an enormous impact on the partner.<br />
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I struggled with this on a much smaller scale. I was raised to wait until I got married to have sex. I didn't wait (I was 23) and had a lot of guilt about that (which I have now gotten over!). It affected my relationship with a really special person - the guilt. Then when my husband and I decided to get married, we had not had sex (during the engagement we did have it twice - and I was overwhelmed by guilt). So, I think for some of us that are raised with that message all of our lives, it is hard to assimilate that because of a 25 minute ceremony, now I am allowed to be a Wanton Sex Goddess and I can stop viewing sex as dirty and wrong - sorry but thinking through and accepting something like that takes a lot longer than 25 minutes and a reception!

She doesn't want kisses... she is averse to sexual activity.<br />
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I do all the things your husband doesn't, and you have my sympathies... have you thought about seeing a counselor? Maybe a third party could help you two. I hate it that you are unhappy.

you sound just like my husband. that is exactly how he feels about me. but the reason that i am not sexually attracted to my husband are listed below. i hope it will help you...<br />
1. he never holds my hand in public. he's the least affectionate man i have ever been with. i know what it's like to be physically connected to someone but it's definetly not with my husband. so it's hard to want sex with him even if he's attractive because we live like roommates and never touch or kiss on a regualr basis so i have developed no sexual attraction to him at all. if he just would hold my hand...it's that simple.<br />
2. we have terrible communication skills. he would email me or write me a letter instead of telling me things to my face. this weakness is such a turnoff - another reason i am not attracted to him anymore. my ex was such a great communicator and was the only person that could / willing to talk to me about anything and everything. i don't even want to say a word to my husband anymore. he's so boring to talk to.<br />
3. he's just not that good in bed like my previous boyfriends and he has a funny smell because he doesn't wear cologne like my exs. sex is just not that good so i am turned off by it with him. <br />
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but in summary, i don't want sex with him because we lack the physcial bond and communication that's needed in a relationship.<br />
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i know exactly what is bothering me but i can't tell him because i am not a good communicator and will never bring this up first. and he definetly wont be the first to bring it up so we just live day by day in a cold loveless relationship. i hope you will talk to your wife and give her lots of love and kisses, hold her hand before it's too late like me.

No... it's just that people can be so self-centered... <br />
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she should have given me up rather than marry me, knowing that she had totally different view on the value of sex in one's life.<br />
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Now she's thinks she my sexual lease holder.... mad that I haven't ever stopped wanting to have a sexual side to my life. She is so warped... thanks to her parents.