The Downward Slide

I got word from my father that my mother injured herself "falling out of bed."  Evidently he was the only one home when this happened at 4:00 pm.  Additionally my mom required stitches and it is believed (my father's belief) that her hand was cut on a cardboard box.

Because she has Alzheimers and cannot communicate what her condition is, she is being kept at the hospital.  I venture to say that she is in a more competent caring environment there than she was at home with my father.

The next phase according to my father is a nursing home.  I think it is probably best but I have read statistics that once a person goes to a nursing home the average future survival is three months.  This is incredibly sad, and given what I know of my mother's condition, I am not self delusional enough to believe that she will beat the odds.

Alzheimers is a cruel disease because my mom was gone long ago, but her body lives on.  It pains me to say this but even my father does not relate to my mother as his wife of nearly sixty years....my sister needed to remind him to show affection to my mom, and he said oh thanks for reminding me....

I pray to God about my mother...that he will watch over her, make her safe, and give her back everything she lost when she is in heaven.  I also pray that I can forgive my father, and let go of the anger I feel that he has let my mom down.  He first ignored her illness, then tried to care for her at home in an ad hoc manner....it angers me to speak with him because he can talk about my mom in a de-humanizing manner...I pray that I can let go of the anger and hurt I feel on my mother's behalf.

In her younger days, my mom was witty, quick, caring, loving, patient, kind, generous, resourceful, sweet, beautiful, cute, genuine, sincere, smart, down-to-earth, emotional, devoted, respectful, religious, supportive and communicative.   I am 700 miles from my mom and dad, and need to swallow my feelings regarding my questions about her care.  The vow I made to myself,  to visit my parents at regular intervals, could not be kept when I found out I had breast cancer.

I need to go back, to see my mom at this time, it seems time is truly running out for her. 

ginger1979 ginger1979
41-45, F
2 Responses Jul 22, 2007

Take a break from trying to not be angry. The way you see things that are going on between your dad and mom, is colored by many years of being around them. Anything that you picked up from in utero, growing up with them, and years of interaction, have become part of what is making you feel anger. However, these feelings are merely piggy-backing along with your actual anger at the Universe for what seems so bad, so unkind, so stupid, senseless, and not at all of benifit to you or your mom. <br />
<br />
I am a registred nurse and I am angry about the stupidity and senselessness of disease in general, but when it hits my loved ones, all that anger does a tandem ride with the new event that is not of benefit to me or my loved one.<br />
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In short, I can feel some of what you must be feeling. <br />
<br />
You and I have lived long enough to know that there are no proven answers for why there is eveil, or why we live here on this earth. <br />
<br />
All we can do is appreciate what good we have been given and that we have been able to give.<br />
<br />
We can do in our power to curtail, slow down and cut off at the pass any evil. <br />
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The answer as to who wins, and why, is not here for us now It may not be that important within the scheme of all that is vast and eternal.<br />
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I can also understand what your dad is going through. <br />
<br />
He had a lovey spouse who became infected with some unearthy visitor little by little sliced away her spirit, mind and soul. It was a slow torture <br />
for both of them.<br />
<br />
Once there is little perceptible soul left, the caring spouse feels abandoned and left alone to care for an unpredictable robotic house that she left behind. <br />
<br />
He can love the three dimentional pictorial of his beloved and resent it at the same time.<br />
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He is old now. His emotional and physical abilities to cope with the challenges are getting more and more limited. <br />
<br />
He is drowning with her.<br />
<br />
I rescued my dad from mother.<br />
I found help for 4 hours in the day 7 days a week and for 5 nights a week.<br />
<br />
If I had not done this, dad would have died just prior to or just after mother. <br />
<br />
She eventually got sick and passed away with Hospice attending to her physical comfort. <br />
<br />
Dad has survived her by 4 years and I am satisfied that her body wanted to be at peace when her soul left, but her physical house had to wait a while until the disease took it. <br />
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So, join me and others who have been through the terrors of dementia ravaging our parents. <br />
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Be angry at it. Be angry that although we know a lot about the disease, we still can not do much about it. <br />
<br />
Be angry that your dad had to go through his part of this evil and that you had to witness it. <br />
<br />
Understand that your dad, at his age, under these conditions has done what he can.<br />
<br />
A good convalesecent hospital with an Alzheimer's unit is far better than a mere convalesecent without an Alzheimer's unit. <br />
<br />
You and he can get better support that way. <br />
<br />
He can get a rest.<br />
<br />
You will not have to worry about how well or not he cares for her.

I hope everythings works out good for you and your family, best luck to you :)