I Am So Stupid!!!!

Erm,  well I am sad and lonely but its all my own fault!  I can't deal with emotions very well.    I don't really have boyfriends.  There is something in me that must repulse men to want to start a relationship. 

By a sheer act of randomness I actually found a man that wanted me....  Well I thought he did!  It lasted for 1 month. I kind of fell head over heels for him..  He has been chasing me for years, since I was 15 and it never just seemed right!  I wasn't sure about him.  I let him into my heart but it seems that when he knew he had me he lost all interest.  He wouldn't contact me or anything out of the blue. I ended up breaking up with him.  I have never been so heartbroken. I am very insecure inside and this doesn't help me in my self perception.  When I broke up with him (it was by text because he wouldn'ty pick up his phone)  he never even replied at all. It's like I don't exist! All this wonderfull bullshit he proffessed to me was just that.. bullshit.

I don't really know how to deal with my emotions and I have just been going out each weekend and sleeping with random men so as (this is my f***ed up logic) to get over him.  All it does is makes me feel worse and more of a commodity that men just throw away.  I mean nothing and the act means nothing.  I am just facillitating my own misery searching for the meaning in sex that I could only find with my stupid ex. 

There is a man I have like for about 6 months.  He works in a shop and I see him from time to time.  He was out last week and I started talking to him.  He was really egar to speak to me and get my number and something!  I was so happy, I had put this man on a pedastal like I would never speak to him.  Just like my stupid track record I end up getting drunk and have meaningless sex with him.  He wouldn't even look me in the eye in the morning and he didn't reply to my text. 

I don't think I could feel worse about myself!  I can't believe I let my stupid ex boyfriend into my heart and he just **** on me!  I was sexually abused as a child and I wonder if this confusion and lonelyness and rejection will ever go away!!!  GGGGGGRRRRR :'(  Thanks for listening to me!upis
blackswans blackswans
18-21, F
Jul 13, 2010