Vent, Noun: An Opening That Allows Fluid To Escape Confined Space; Alternatively: This Post

You know, it's funny that typing "I am lonely" into Google leads you to hundreds of web pages with thousands of people who are in the same boat as you. Not so lonely after all, maybe?

It's around 1:00 am here, I'm sitting at my computer in the basement, everyone else in the house is asleep. For the last thirty minutes I've been consumed by crushing feelings of loneliness...such bouts happen every couple of weeks. I've just finished my first year of college, and waiting to hear back on some job applications leaves a lot of time for brooding at home. Ideally, I'd have some stuff to do during that time but, well, I guess that's part of the problem.

I have few friends, no romantic interests, no life, minimal social skills. Never go out, never go to parties. Total loser.

And I hate it. During the last semester, I didn't know anyone in any of my classes, and couldn't figure out how to change that. I'd go to the class, listen to the lecture, doodle a little in my notebook, and then get the hell out. Everybody else seemed secure, confident, content...and there I'd be sitting at the edge of the aisle with my head down and my mouth shut. Plenty of conversations around me, and I'd think, "wow, everyone's made friends, and I can't." Because, well, sometime during high school I forgot how to make friends.

(If you'll allow me to try to make myself feel better for a moment, I was one of the most popular kids around before high school. From fourth grade playground sage to eighth grade Mr. Popular, you know? )

I mean real friends. A group of people who you can hang out with, confide in, text, call, laugh with, cry with, go to jail with. A few times between/after classes I'd hang out with some people from high school and, you know, I call them my friends. But I'm never part of their plans or secrets or inside jokes. I'm an avid Facebook user and I keep seeing statuses and photos of socially active people sharing the good times they had together. You know, "Oh wow The Avengers was the best movie ever" with tags of whoever went to go see it. My name being conspiciously absent.

Can't create new relationships and can't advance the ones I can have.

But: how? How do I strike up meaningful conversation with strangers? How do I keep up contact with that person? How do I nurture that potential friendship? How do I become a confidante? To use Facebook as an example again, if somebody I sort of know is online on Facebook, how do I start chatting with them? How do I find something to chat about? Now that I think about it, I'm a terrible conversationalist whether it's virtual or in-person. That's probably a big part of the problem.

This whole story reeks of desperation, but believe me, brothas (and sistas), I am one desperate son of a so-and-so. I haven't got a text in five weeks, haven't gone to see a movie since my birthday. No plans to go out with people can been seen on the horizon. Damn near every day of my summer so far has been spent on the couch or on my laptop while countless college students across the country are partying it up in celebration of their freedom.

I guess this isn't just limited to friends. My awkwardness is magnified tenfold when thinking about talking to a pretty girl in the library. But I guess we'll take baby steps, eh? Besides, even if i do hit it off with a girl there's not a chance in hell that I'll be able to keep it going. Right now I am devoid of confidence and the ladies don't dig that.

Or so I've heard. What would I know, right?

Dammit, I just read over what I wrote and it's pretty sad and humiliating. What a dork I am. People are just people, right? Nothing scary. Yeah, right.

The weird thing is that, in my humble opinion, I can be a warm, engaging, funny guy once I feel comfortable around a person. Those persons are in few in number but I'm sure they'd agree with that. Even then, I'm not really close to anyone. If we pretend that my name is Marcellus Wallace, it's more of "Yeah, that Marsellus Wallace is a funny guy" rather than "Hey, I should invite Marsellus Wallace to my awesome party." How do I fix this?

There's that "how" again. I'm starting to ramble, so I won't waste any more of your time. Don't think I've ever written 800 words in only an hour. I have no idea who any of you are, and you don't know me, but common sorrows seem to bring people together. I really do appreciate that you read this since it's something I really had to get off my chest and don't have anyone to vent to.

Thank you and take care,
Marsellus Wallace
Marsellus Marsellus
May 15, 2012