What Should I Do?

Hello, I doubt anyone will read this, but thank you if you decide to. My name is Jason. I'm fourteen years old, and don't get me wrong, I usually don't complain and whine about things. I try to solve my own problems. But lately it's been becoming too much. My father was a drug addict. My mom and I moved away when I was very young, because she didn't want me to be influenced by what he did, then when I was six, he passed away of pneumonia. That's where my life turned. My mom began going into flare, not being able to move for days because of the pain. She had a bunch of diseases that involve arthritis and they were really serious, so she became crippled. More recently she found out that her kidneys were going to fail soon... If I lose her I have no one left. My family is poor because my mom can't support a job, being crippled and all. But enough about that for now.

So I don't have many good friends at school. Before middle school came around, everyone hated me because I act differently. I've always been athletic, but I don't like sports. My IQ is that of a genius, and I was as smart as an 18 year old back when I was seven or eight, but they could never figure me out. All of my teachers hated me because I was hard to handle and I was deemed emotionally disturbed, but it's not true. I was just a kid, and I loved to play mind games with everyone, so I did it to the guidance councilor and the psychiatrist. Now people are more accepting but I don't want them. I have little in common with anyone at school, I have to dumb down my speech just to talk to some people. People disgust me, I've always been betrayed, but I found one person who is a real friend and who won't back stab me for anything. I met him online, and I've known him for five years now. I've seen him on skype and we were best friends until his microphone broke. His name is Spencer.

So yeah, my life really isn't that terrible, it's just sad. Now for something fairly recent. I'm in love. Not some crush or something, it's real. I have never went out with anyone before. Girls like me, and I've actually been hit on a few times, but I'm so shy that I just don't do anything. This is probably because of what happened before... I think I was eight or nine, and I liked a girl. She didn't like me back, and I fell hard. I didn't want to be hurt like that again. So I got on this chat website, and met a bunch of people who I could call friends. Not as good friends as Spencer and I, but friends none the less. Then I met Serena. I liked her from the start... but I had to go Incognito for awhile. I wanted to ditch my old account and I did.

Serena and I would talk a lot, usually once or twice a day. She liked me and I liked her, but neither of us knew. So I got on my new account and I immediately told her. We carried on like normal but it just wasn't the same as before. Not sure why but it wasn't. She was having some trouble in life, and it was because of a relationship. I told her I didn't believe in love. She told me that she liked me and that she guessed it didn't matter now, but I had to say something... I told her all about my true feelings for her. She's taken, and I told her that if she were ever single that I hoped we could be together, and now she's all I can think about. I feel like a stalker, I feel obsessed and I waiting so long to have her with me is a burden I can't stand... And on top of that, now things are really awkward. We know we like each other and now I can't even talk to her because of my shyness. I don't know what to do... My friend Spencer is supporting me, and so are the few people I told on the chat website, but it's so painful to know that she's with someone else. She has a great personality and she's physically attractive. She's a year older than me and I love her a lot, as a friend and beyond friendship, but now I'm feeling really depressed, like I finally snapped... It sucks, and I need help.
DirewolfXX DirewolfXX
13-15, M
2 Responses Jul 24, 2012

Honestly you seem like an awesome person, the mind game thing is totally something i would do. You have had a hard life but you seem like a tough dude. As for the girl, dont fret over it now. Give it time. I dont want to discourage you but chances are it wouldnt work out anyway

If you're so smart and have to dumb down how you speak to other people why did you dumb it down here? If people on here dont know a word you're using they can use google. <br />
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As for being shy, most shy guys have no clue when they are being hit on so either you're arrogent or you're not as shy as you think. <br />
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It sounds more like nervousness then shyness to me. Nervousness causes anxiety, anxiety can cause, and usually does cause, panic attacks and that is actually what is happening to you. I went through the same thing with guys I met online when i was 14, especially the obsession. Its common and as you get older you'll learn how you really feel and be able to figure out how to deal with it. You might be smart but your hormones do get in the way of your thinking.