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Where do I start? Well... Just when I was old enough to sit in a highchair my brother bit my foot with everything he had. The beatings remained continuous throughout the entirety of my childhood and teenage years from my brother and father. My dad and mom were cokehead partiers that were more than a little pissed off that they were spending their coke money on their unplanned for, and unwanted, children. Then my mom divorced my dad when I was in second grade and the mental and physical became exponentially worse. The constant tirade of being called worthless has had a lasting effect. I still and will always have a voice in my mind calling me stupid, useless, a retard, a '******,' a *****, and an *******. I am constantly beating myself down for the mistakes I've made and the opportunities I've missed. So bad family life, and mental illness is why I'm sad. I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty, and there was a lot of pressure to be "normal." Nothing ever worked out with the girls I liked because my brother and "friends" blocked it from happening. So i ended up settling for this total ***** that, it turned out, had a worse family life than mine. I contracted a terrible std after the first time I had sex, incurable to say the least. So this is where I'm at. I can't be with a girl I love, lest I spread my disease to her. And what's the point of being with someone you don't? I will never be in love again, I will never have children, and I will die alone. I am the definition of sad and lonely.
littlebrother426 littlebrother426
31-35, M
2 Responses Nov 26, 2012

:(

f*** the past! f*** it! its done! bad parents, wrong choices, permanent stains. here's what you do! you sit down and you cry, and you think about all that was wrong really hard, and what you should do is forgive them all - they'll be judged and dealt with from higher forces! and if not, it doesnt matter! what matters is you've already suffered these many years - enough is enough! i want you to read self-help quotes and books or watch videos on youtube that talk motivation and success! i want you to recognise the baggage you've acqured over the years, recognise it and take a step at a time to understand it, forgive it, let it go! i want u determined, TODAY! not tomorrow. you must constantly, daily watch positive, motivational videos and read powerful quotes. next step, get busy! dont sit around, get busy! if you work all day and study to improve yourself all night - you stand a chance of turning it all around! just as long as you never give up! get healthy slowly, both physically and metnally and dont be afraid to seek for help. Everyone is struggling. this world is a tough one to face alone, sort yourself out, get quality relationships in your life, contact a minister or psychologists or help centre and become part of a group of people who are survivors like you! YOU CAN live your life as you've dreamed. a tree that bends never breaks! if u cant have your own kids - adopt, if u have a permanent std, dont spred it but research other ways for you to gain pleasure and to please your partner. many many people are sitting alone at home, wishing for a companion! find them and be that for them. you're so strong and doing so well. someone deserves you. you ve been placed for a reason. a good book for optimism is called "learned optimism" and shows tools at least of a person to try to be that. SEEK help my friend. a lot of people wont give a sh** about you, but a lot more will. go volunteer to an underprivilleged country abroad to teach them english and the love and gratiitude you will receive will be so immense, im sure you cant even imagine! you have a lot to give! stop looking at the ones that have it "better than you" and look at the ones who need your help. by helping others, you will respect and love yourself more. bad things happen to all. you just need to roll with them. wishing you the best and hope you read this post often and hope it motivates you to turn it all around.