Unrequited Love Sucks

I'm not going to hold back on polite language as I usually do, so forgive any offensive remarks.

There is a storm blowing in my soul this morning. And out here IRL, itps ******* outside again.

This happened last time, too.

at least the storm outside isn't as bad as it is inside. Typical Northern California rainstorm... just moderately strong rain, not a lot of wind. Inside, it's far worse... a freezing sleet and hailstorm that stings or hurts with every drop that falls upon my broken, exposed heart.

My marriage was mortally wounded nearly two years ago, and over the last month or so, the final stages of the cancer it's dying from have banged in the last nail. I've given notice that either things get better or it's over, and my wife has already failed to meet my terms, almost as if she either isn't taking me seriously, or really doesn't care, or thinks she'll be able to talk me back into the relationship with yet another round of lousy sex with no lovemaking left in it, only offered to placate me when I'm fed up. I've written plenty on what's going on there already.

A while back I started poking around online, alone and desperate - seeking some sort of comfort, and found a number of mutual help hangouts, including here on EP. Somewhere on line, she came into my life. She's in a similar situation. We became friends. Before I knew it, we became close friends, then REALLY close friends, and like a bolt of lightning, I was struck suddenly by that bastard, cupid. I fell in love with her. We were both shocked, scared and hurt by that. It damaged our friendship severely, I being all set to leave my situation, ready to leave it all behind without a care in the world, just to fall into her arms. She's not so ready... not to leave her situation and definitely not to return my feelings. It's all fair, really. We both have exit plans that are not really compatible and after all, we've only known each other a couple of weeks. My love is totally inappropriate. But unfortunately, it's not just infatuation. I could have handled that. I can stuff down the fool's gold of infatuation. This was the Real Deal.

The all-out win-or-lose-all plan I had was to get her to break my heart, so I could force myself to give up inside the feelings that I had and we could save the friendship. It took hours of coaxing and pushing to get her to do it, she didn't want to hurt me, but eventually gave in and landed the blow. I was struck reeling and went into emotional shock but it seemed to be working. I was able to stabilize the way I dealt with her. When the shock wore off, a calm descended. But it was short-lived. I couldn't keep my hert from screaming in my ears to fight it tooth and nail... and eventually I crossed the line again.

It was still stabilizing though - but slowly and painfully. She tried a different approach. She told me she was willing to keep an open mind about it. It worked like magic. But the magic was short-lived. We had to set some very strict boundaries, partly because we both have strong ethics, others because if they weren't there my heart would abuse them and try to push for more. That was fair.

But the boundaries were too solid, they left me with no real means of expressing my feelings or beckoning or enticing hers. That's not a framework for nurturing a friendship into more, with an open mind...

Then there are all the mixed signals. Many times, at all stages of the friendship - it felt as if she was being quite clear with her words. No way. But the actions bespeak of wanting for more, and in my addled state I can't help but respond. It was like as if she snuggled up against me, arms open, and when I finally relax into her embrace, sigh and start to weep, she would push me away and sharply remind me she doesn't love me and never will.

With my marriage drawing its last breath right before my eyes already, this pattern was torturing me inside beyond belief. We kept re-establishing that this is just friendship, then she would offer or request something that brings us much closer. I would respond enthusiastically... I can't help it! I can't stop myself! I want to drop everything, walk out of work... leave it all behind and jump on a plane and live a life that's not mine, just to be able to look into here eyes just once, to feel her body hugging me, and if it doesn't work out, I'll find a way to survive. She knows my full identity IRL, what I look like, what I sound like, where I work, what my schedule is... how my marriage is doing, all of my secrets, the most deep and dark feelings and even regrets that I have. About the only thing I haven't given up to her is my actual address.
I only know her first name and those of some, but not all of her family, and how her marriage is doing and sure, the look and sound stuff was a trade. But that's really all.

She's far more savvy than me. I've got no experience at all in relationships online, she's been doing this kind of thing for years... at least that's what I hear sometimes. Others I hear something in particular, she's never done before. Which made me feel special. Which gave hope to my heart. which started the push-pull cycle up all over again.

Yesterday I pointed out how the boundaries were setting me up to never win her heart, and I thought it would be fair, in the spirit of having an open mind, that one boundary is relaxed a little. The response wasn't clear to me... it wasn't as negative as I thought as I read her words... and I became very hurt and angry. I let her know how it made me feel, like I'm being toyed with or if somehow she's not being honest me in some other way. We wound up having another argument. I finally said if she wants me to keep my distance, then there will have to be some changes. Or if she wants to continue to deepen things and give me a chance to win her heart, that's okay, but not to keep throwing it in my face.

It didn't go well. As I drove to work this morning, and started my day, I hadn't heard from her in several hours. for the last week and a half, maybe more... we spent every spare moment together, getting to know each other and deepening the friendship... and I miss her terribly. Soon my breaktime was coming up, and she sent me a message telling me to just let her know what I want to do. I don't really know. But I can't let myself keep throwing all of my time and energy into an unrequited love that will never be allowed to bloom into a relationship. So I waited until my break and told her I have some thinking to do.

After my shortened break I went back to work on this story. While I was writing, she sent me her reply.... she dumped me.

I guess now I'm going to have to re-plan out what thinking I have to do. This wasn't it. I was given the choice, then the choice was taken away from me. She seems to be like that. First one thing with the intentions, then another, much more painful thing with the actions. Maybe this is for the best.

Now I feel ten times as sad and lonely as I did when I first met her. As I finish my story, I curse my horrible life, and end this thinking about hurting myself just to feel some other kind of pain instead of what I'm going through. I'm glad she won't be reading this... I wouldn't want her to worry. She deosn't know me well enough to understand this is just a figure of speech, and I wouldn't really do that. But today, I understand for the first time why someone would want to.

All I can do at this point is try to survive the day, feeling like I'm going to throw up... or start bawling loudly... hiding how bad it is from my coworkers, then going home and pretending to be grumpy and grunt grouchy non-verbals at my wife who I now hate, so she doesn't wonder what the ****'s wrong with me.

I have already spent the whole morning missing her terribly... and now, I know it's going to be a very long time before I can forget her. Longer than my own wife. That grief has already come to pass.... this is just the beginning for loss of my Dream Girl....

Farewell, Dream Girl. I'll never forget you. And, I'm sorry.

Update:
Just a minor update, a misunderstanding turned up during a farewell dialog and we managed to rescue our friendship. It's still hard, and my feelings still torture me while I try to sleep at night, but we're still very good friends.
TheVerticalMan TheVerticalMan
41-45, M
Dec 5, 2012