Strong And Alone?

First, excuse my English. I am ESL

My life were full of expriences, staarting from a high school i didn't fit into to a military academy and eventually a short military career. From there I went on to directing a private academy in the bay area to Sofwtare project managemnt.

But there is so much more.

I have always been pretty, tall, fit and different. What I discovered in a young age is that I'm kinky, I love bdsm, but the mental aspect of it more then anything. As I grow up, it became a bigger part of me, but it was something I was forced to hide.
Amnd that's how I lived my life, hiding, lying because so many of my stories are connected to my kink side, friends wouldn't get it. The friends I did share it with, are gone today. Some tried to 'fix' me, some just went away.

I've dated one serious guy, but when he found out, we never recovered. I was always a freak to him.

I moved on, pushing the feeling away, making sure no one knows who I am, what I reaaally think about. Having sex I wasn't really interested in. Trying to be normal

The understanding I will most likely will always be alone, never able to be myself, never accepted is hurting me now more then ever.

It's been years since I've started defining what I want, and to clarify to all who may have no insight to bdsm, I'm a dominatrix. I enjoy control and I enjoy submissive behavior
I love the deep emotion connected to the act of submission and I need it to fill fulfilled in a relationship. Try to scratch the whips and cane images from your head. I'm more about the mental surrender and devotion tho I do like inflecting pain if that's what my sub needs to reach his fulfillment.

I've been alone for years. I have not dated, because when I do, I get emotionally close, try to introduce who I am and then my heart breaks, over and over again.

I cry every night, I barely pick myself up but I show the world the image a strong powerful independent lady. Thank god I am such a good liar

So here I am

Can't look my mother in the eyes when she talks about me having kids, it will probably never happen. Or me falling in love, I did, a couple of times and got my heart broken and shattered each time

I ask myself why Im not normal. I say it must be karma punishing me for the people I have hurt during my service as an office

Does it matter? I'm 25 turning 26 and I hate who I am
I see a pretty girl in the mirror but everything inside is so empty, alone and lonely.

I moved countries, state. cities running away after someone rejected me because of my bdsm tendency

All I have is the fact I'm good at what I do. I am blessed with intelligence, business mind and complex problem solving skills. And that is more then some, therefore i AM grateful

I just want to be loved. By someone, at some point? I have served my country, this country, I have trained, taught and fought my entire life. I matured too fast, ending up a 20 year old with life experience of 30 year old. The gap between people my age is huge, so friends are rare.

in fact
I don't have any friends left and I don't know where else to run to.

If you ask people who 'know' me? Oh I'm all good, looking good, smart, good job, full life, working with very smart people. But god, inside? It's all rotten. I can't find anything else to hold on to

Maybe some people are meant to be alone.
I just wasn't me.

An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Jan 25, 2013

That was very sad,but you are young and I belive there is sombody out there for everyone:-) Im almost 40,Im still looking for my somebody.x