Beat Down And Destroyed. Nothing Left To Give.

I am a 31 year old man.  I will admit I have not always been the best person in the world but I have always stuck with my personal values.  I was in a relationship that turned to marriage that lasted a total of 8 years.  I put my all into this relationship.  Working two to three jobs to put her through college and keep her entertained.  She did not have to work while in college as I paid all the bills and bought her a car.  Our plan was for her to finish school and start working, get married, then I go to college and we start our family.  The year before she graduated I proposed to her.  When she was about to finish school I bought us a house.  I was still working two jobs and going to school after we moved into our new home.  She had started working and things were as they always were.  Then she started hanging out with some other women after work and going to the bars after her every shift.  She started to act strange and her behavior changed.  Then she calls me at work to tell me she had been fired.  It took her a few months to find work again but I picked up the slack.  I put her ahead of myself in every way.  I would skip my dentist visits and such to save money that we needed when she was in college and even after she was working I still had to forget about my own health and body to keep our home and her happiness.  I had an accident at work and broke a couple teeth.  I was in such pain I had to see the dentist.  He said due to not having any dental work in years or checkups I needed to have bridges put in.  So I started putting money aside for the dental work.  The wife had gotten a new job and was still not her usual self.  I had noticed her drinking had increased.  before I knew it every weekend and one to two days out of the week I was pulling my wife totally wasted out of after hour house parties.  I had a feeling she was running around on me and had more than enough reason to believe so.  But I will not bother you with all the details.  On christmas day after returning from my family event she had asked me to go to the store.  I knew all the store were closed but went anyway to avoid a fight.  I was gone for half an hour with a huge list that was well over an hour and a half of shopping.  When I got home there was a car parked in the alley behind our house.  I walked in to find some guy I had never seen before (and he was one ugly guy) pounding the hell out of my wife.  In my bed no less.  They had not heard me come in.  I went to another room grabbed a backpack and my laptop, walked into the room where he was drilling her balls deep (with no condom) and grabbed two changes of clothes.  They saw me come in the room and jumped.  I said "don't mind me I am just grabbing a change of clothes sorry to intrude."  I then left the house and drove around in my truck from about 1pm to 3am.  I then parked my truck and slept until it was time to go to work.  The next day I found out from one of her friends that she was fired from her first job because she was caught sleeping with a couple different co-workers a few different times.  After she had been fired and she kept drinking more and more she started to go home with any guy from the bar.  Even had been to a after party at a house where she was ********** by 7 guys.  One of the many parties I didn't know about.  I went straight to the clinic to get tested for STD's.  Thank god I didn't get anything from her.  Clean bill of health.  Now off to the court house and filed for divorce.  That afternoon I went to my second job and started feeling tons of pain and collapsed.  I was rushed to the ER and found that I had to stay in there for a week due to all the stress and heart break I had put a hurt on my heart and also had a slight kidney failure.  They got me patched up just fine.  While in the hospital I did not have a single visitor.  No friends, no family.  I decided while I was in the hospital what my next steps were when I got out.  step 1.  find new place to live. 2. get teeth fixed.  3. find a new job.  So When I leave the hospital I had a few places to look at for rent.  I found one and went to the bank to take money out for it. (my personal accounts not the shared accounts with the wife)  I found that she had taken all of the $8500 out of my two accounts.  She had also maxed out all of my credit cards all while I was in the hospital.  I ended up sleeping on a friends couch for a month and found a new job.  When I got my fist check from the new job I quit the other two jobs.  I got an apartment on the other side of the city by my new job.  I could not get my teeth fixed as I needed due to the wife taking me for everything.  After 3 months of living alone and losing all my friends (no one wanted to be friends with me or the wife after the split) I decided to get a dog.  I got a dog from a rescue and brought her home.  After I got the dog I started meeting some new people and made some friends.  I was not lonely all the time anymore.  I still felt empty as I had not been single in 8 years and was missing a lot of the thing you have in a relationship.  I decided it was time to start dating.  Not to sound self centered but,  I am a very good looking guy as long as I don't smile and show my teeth.  My teeth are my biggest downfall.  I had plenty of beautiful women chasing after me but I didn't want a bar fly, bopper, crazy chick or ****.  My heart was broken to small shards already and I didn't want to be used or played with.  I had become emotionless for the most part.  Just kind of going through the motions and walking alone in a dark world.  One day I saw this woman.  From a distance she sent goose bumps all over my body.  I warmth swept from deep inside me and our eyes connected.  She had eyes as blue as the ocean and I was a skipper lost at sea.  We talked a little bit, just small talk.  I couldn't get up the nerve to say much at all as I was not only stunned by her beauty but the feelings that rushed over me had me confused.  I had never had something like that happen.  I later that day asked a mutual friend to pass my number on and  say something like he would like to take you out for coffee.  I got a call the next day from the friend and she said you have a coffee date Friday.  The next day being a Tuesday I get a txt message saying why do we have to wait for Friday.  After some messaging back and forth she said she would pick me up.  We went to coffee and had a great time and a better connection than I have ever had with someone.  Me and her were both at the last steps of divorcing our ex's.  Everyday after that first cup of coffee we saw each other for at least an hour if not majority of the day after work and almost all day every weekend.  Her and her kids would stay with me a few days a week and when their father had them we were together all day and night.  We talked about when we first saw one another and we had very simular feeling rushing through us.  After about 5 or 6 months we started talking about if she should move in.  We decided to plan a trip first and talk about it when we got back.  A week later we had stayed at her sisters place and watched their kids.  we were awake with the kids and her sister  having a good time as usual.  Then for no reason she stood up grabbed her two kids and lift with out saying a word.  she didnt return any calls or txt messages for two or three days.  Then about every other day we would go for our usual drive with the kids to get them to sleep.  She half *** ignored my presence and was giggling every time she read some txt messages she was getting.  A couple weeks later on my birthday her sister told me that she has been seeing someone else and had even slept with him numerous times.  even a couple times before she would come see me or after she saw me.  I tried to talk to my girlfriend but she avoided anything about me and her or her seeing this other guy.  I told her I understood how she felt that she had not dated around after leaving her ex.  And she wanted a break to see if it was me she really wanted to be with.  I didn't hear from her again for months.  Then she called sounding nervous and scared.  She asked me if I had been tested recently.  I had been tested after I left my ex-wife and before me and her had ever done anything sexual at her request and then again after we split since she had been going behind my back.  So I ask her why she was asking and she said the doctor thinks she has something but won't know for a week.  So again I go get tested and again clean bill of health.  her friend calls me a week later saying that the guy who she went to after me and had broken up with as well has recently came over and tried to force sex on my ex-girlfriend but when the kids started crying he jerked off on her and left her on the bed crying.  I found out who he was and found out that he sleeps with any woman who will have him and he had done this and worse to other women he had been with.  She ended up getting the news that she now has herpies.  Thanks to this low life of a man.  When I see her from time to time and we talk its like when we were together.  We still click the same and those feeling rush me every time.  But now we can not be due to what happened and how she let thing go down between me and her.  I still have deep feelings for her that will never go away.  She think she has the same feeling except she has a std that never goes away.  a few months after all of that happened my ex-wife calls me in tears.  The guy she slept with on christmas when I walked in on them had been living with her since shortly after I left her.  He had trashed the house knocking holes in all the walls, kicking down the doors in the house and generally destroying everything she had.  He had been beating on her for months and choking her too.  One night he beat and choked her so bad he almost killed her.  While she was in the hospital he stole everything of value of hers and drained all her accounts.  I have never raised my hand to a woman nor have I ever tried to force myself on them.  I was 100% loyal to every woman I ever was with.  I treated both of them like queens.  I the kind of guy most women say they are looking for in a life long partner.  You would think once they had me they would never let go.  Truth is the only thing either of them could say they didn't like about me was my teeth.  They both openly admitted they wish they never left me and I was who they know they wanted to be with.  My ex-girlfriend knows we can not get back together as I am afraid if we do I could contract herpies from her.  I had thought about it very hard and It wouldn't bother me even with the std (studies show using condoms lessens your chances of contracting it) but since she had started messing around behind my back and how she left and everything.  I can't trust that down the road she wouldn't leave me again and possibly leave me with the std.  Its hard enough being my age to date and with an std like that its a lost cause.  My ex-wife is trying to wiggle her way back in to my life now.  I will not dare go back to her after all she had done to me.  I can be a friend to her and put the past behind me but she is now a full blown alcoholic to the point she is about to loose the house I left her and the house looks like something from the show horders with all the garbage everywhere and how filthy the house is.  

So now I have been 100% single for over a year and a half.  I still have very few friends.  I have 5 friends in total that I talk often.  I only see two of them about once a week the rest of them once in a month or more.  I find myself spending almost all my time alone.  I have lost all my self esteem, self pride, will, hope and the list goes on.  I have tried to date since but it seems majority of women will be interested for a bit and then lose it.  I have heard too many times I'm the kind of guy women look for.  Well then why when they find me do they think the abuser or date rapist is so much better than me.  So I will just embrace the crushing lonelyness as it consumes by being.  The women in this world will just continue to pass over those men who would give them happiness for those who will leave emotional and physical scars and a hand full of STD's. 

epicallybroken epicallybroken
31-35, M
1 Response Feb 21, 2010

Been there done that got the T shirt, buddy!! Whew!!! No. I have not been that far into it, just wanted to let you know that when someone rips your heart out and wraps it up in your soul, then stomps on it in the middle of the freeway. It hurts.<br />
Alcoholics tend to drain more than bottles, they drain the life out of thier partners and thus their partner's social life.<br />
The worst words in the world are "I need my space." <br />
OKAY??<br />
I still do not wish to comiserate with you.<br />
You have done no wrong, not that you could not have done things differently. Like never the black socks with the brown slacks! I don't know. There are always rules that are broken by everyone.<br />
KNOW WHAT//<br />
It does not matter whose fault it is. If a leav falls from a tree. Does the tree worry? Nature allows things to come and go in our lives. PAIN is one of them. I do not want to say why. There is no answer anyway.<br />
What matters is how you are judging your situtation. Stop it. <br />
You have five more friends than some people have.<br />
My teeth are not very healthy either and they will some day.<br />
People who have problems with the little things will not be able to engage in the spiritual journey that you can be taken on. But you have to get better. <br />
Nothing I say from here on has anything to do with ex-wifery or girfriends or your abilities.<br />
You can do this (emphasis is on can, as you are able to):<br />
Embrace the Truth.<br />
Embrace things that cause harmony.<br />
Embrace things that you find good, true and beautiful.<br />
Embrace the activities that you love.<br />
<br />
Do you want the negatives?<br />
Embrace the truth: Drop the lies and leave the past behind, that is where it is anyway. While the past is gone, the future never comes: Truth. "I am here, I am not sure where I have been; I do not know where I am headed; I AM HERE.<br />
Embrace things that cause harmony: Assume nothing of anyone or of any situation, do not make assumptions (especially if ... then ... statements about what just or will happen because of and woulds...should... coulds... drop them).<br />
Embrace the things YOU find GOOD TRUE and BEAUTIFUL: Do not take anything personally. People do things because our natural tendancy is to be attrated to what is good, true and beautiful. Our vision is sKewed, so, it isn't always so. BUT, we act alone. If I hurt you it is because I did something I though was good, not because I wanted to hurt you. One didn't drink because she was aiming at you, she hit you with it, but she was aiming at her pain, trying to make it good. Take none of it personally. Take nothing from no one personally. I could go on and on but, just don't take it personally,. I going on .<br />
Embrace the things that you love: Work the work you love. Always acknowlege to yourself that "I love what I do." "I do what I love." "I Do My Best." Don't say "except when ..." I am doing my best right now. If I do this tomorrow it will be different but it will be my best. I will not be paralyzed by an idea of what "best" is, this is not perfection, it is the best. I intend the best, it is the best. I assume nothing about how good or bad it is compared to otherthings, it is simply my best. You get the idea, because:<br />
You are very intelligent, very capable and loving in all that you do.<br />
As you embrace your reality, the reality, more and more, you will attract people to you. You will be around people who will not want to leave you. Your honesty will help you shed the occaisional attraction that will leave you. And you will allow it because you do not want to assume that they were going to be there forever anyway. You are happy for them because you do not take it personally. You continue to do what you love because it is the best you can do.<br />
I love you man!! Do it! Smile -- that's #5__ SMILE!