Happiness That Makes Me Feel Lonely

Isn’t it sad when someone’s happiness, someone you really love and who is part of the things which are the most important in your life, makes you feel lonely. Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I am. A few hours ago my younger sister just told me, that she’s gonna marry her boyfriend this summer. Today she finally passed her last teacher exam with absolutely good notes.

And they are engaged. Wow. He asked her two weeks ago. My sister is 25 years old. And believe me he is the right guy for her. They love each other, they have common friends and hobbies. They live together in a nice apartment. He has a well paid job and I’m pretty sure that she will get a good job too. They always need teachers with her subjects, especially when they are as good as she is. I’m grateful because she seems really happy to me.

 

And in my opinion is happiness the only thing that matters in life. It is all that I wish for and to me it seems so hard to get.

I don’t want to envy her. But I do. And I aware, that I do. She always seems to get everything so easy. I really try hard to be happy, but truth is: I am not.

 

I am 28 years old. Currently I am unemployed. Again. It’s the third time already. This time it was because the company I worked for was closed due to the economic crisis. I am searching for a new job since September. And well I do have a good education, too. I am an office clerk. Nothing fancy but a solid education with many possibilities. I apply for all kinds of jobs. For example even for small part-time jobs or jobs in retail trade. Even though I really would prefer an office job, because I am more experienced in that. Well, nothing seems to work. Oh I had interviews, but in the end they didn’t choose me. To put it together, I am not that lucky concerning work, right now.

 

But my job isn’t my main problem. Well I have a few good friends, but I don’t get them that close. I am not able to tell them everything about me. It’s hard for me to trust or maybe I should say to open up to them.

 

I never had a boyfriend. Mostly because I am too afraid to get hurt I guess. I know, that no one will love me, if I didn’t start to show others who I am. But that is really hard for me to open up.

 

So I’m sitting here, feeling lonely and rolling in self-pity. Wow, great accomplishment. I’m feeling lost and powerless. It hurts that much, that I can’t find the words to express it. And my little sister is getting married…. I guess that’s the reason why today is a hard day or better night for me. Lonely nights are the worst. Lying awake in bed and wondering why it went wrong or when. The problem is that I know what’s wrong and I know what I should or could do. But I still feel like I don’t have the power to change myself.

 

I don’t want to be lonely and I don’t want to be unhappy. But I am. I guess, I think I have no right to complain, because I have possibilities to change it. And there are so many others out there who have a much worse life than I do.

 

I have a home, family, friends. An own car. Enough money to buy me things I want or need. (I love reading and have many books.) I have hobbies, which I share with my friends. (I play trumpet in an orchestra for more than 15 years and I play volleyball in a great team.) I really love music. Normally it helps me through my problems. I have no serious illness. Well I had a cold for three weeks recently, and I had a ligament tear in my right ancle last october. And last weekend I sprained my neck vertebrae during bowling with some friends. It already get’s better. But hey, I’ll not die from it, right?

 

So why am I not happy? I can’t tell. I know there are good things in my life. And I know that I am not totally alone. But it’s still not enough.

I want to be loved. I want to share my life with the person I love. But I am still to afraid to find him. Still hoping he will find me. But how should that happen, when I hide myself? So in July I am going to my sisters wedding. Alone. Always alone and that hurts.

 

I still can’t find the strength to change myself. I just can’t. So, why am I writing this right here and now? Well I guess to share it with somebody. Now there are others, who know how I feel today. Maybe you can relate to it, maybe you think I am strange.

 

But well, I think this could be a first step for a change. So, hello out there! This is me. I am really not perfect. But I am sure that I’ll find a way through all of this. So tell me, what do you think about it?

tayen tayen
26-30, F
2 Responses Feb 18, 2010

I wasn’t sure if I should react to your comments, because everything I could say would be like I am defending myself. Well it can’t be helped, because I don’t want to run away by ignoring it. <br />
First I am not a fake, lightway. I am honest to everyone, well maybe except myself sometimes. I am just not that outgoing, like you are. I don’t tell others everything about me, but I don’t lie or fake who I am. You said I should tell anyone about everything, well that’s exactly what I did with writing this story here on the internet. But I get it, hiding behind the anonymity of the net doesn’t count. Well I guess I prefer to take small steps. <br />
It’s not like there is nobody who is close to me. I’m not a lonely looner. It’s just that I’m normally the one who is listening, when one of my friends have a problem, not the one who is talking. I tell myself to be strong, that my problems aren’t serious. But there are days when I just can’t take it any longer. In the past I got hurt more than one time, because I trusted someone. But I am aware that this isn’t an excuse. Everybody get’s hurt sometimes and I know that I am the one who let myself stuck with it. <br />
I guess the engagement of my sister and my current situation was the point when I just realized that’s enough now. <br />
<br />
Both of you told me to take more risks. And you are right. But It’s not easy to change habits you got used to over many years. I am often pretty hard to myself, but I guess I have to take myself less serious sometimes. Less thinking, more action.

Get off your butt and meet people, and let people to see for who you really are. Tell someone, that you are jealous. Tell that person that you're pissed because your younger sister is making it farther in life than you ever have. Tell him or her you can't believe that you are 28 years old and you're not close to anyone you know. Tell them everything that ****** you off and everything that doesn't, stop being fake. People may not like you for who you are, but hey forget them. It's time you start being the really you. You're not happy because you are not the real you. Stop protecting yourself and get your hands muddy.

I an the exact same way as ether person....and your advice is what I tell myself all the time but being that vulnerable and opening up and telling someone this us a terrifying thought....almost unbearable