I May Be Sad But I Am Thankful.

I realize that the depression that I experience is the result of bad chemicals in my brain.  There are days when I struggle to get out of bed and days when I think about putting my .38 to my head and pulling the trigger.  I am a month or two behind on my mortgage, I don't pay my water bill until they threaten to turn it off.  Same with my gas and electric bills.  But, I'm trying to be better.  Sometimes I am convinced that my kids have me figured out and plot against me.  Sometimes I believe that my wife is cheating on me.  But once I pause and think about it, I realize that these fears are only a manifestation of my paranoid mind and I am able to take a step back and see the situation for what it truly is.  My wife isn't cheating on me.  My kids are too young to plot anything bigger than a temper tantrum to get a measly cup of yogurt.

I know that this life isn't the one I dreamed about when I was a much, much younger boy.  I dreamed of great adventures, travel, making love to exotic, beautiful women.  Maybe I saw myself as a bit of an Indiana Jones type guy, finding his fortune in some distant place accompanied by a beautiful blond wearing an evening gown. 

Today though is different than my dreams.  I chose a life in suburbia, wife, two kids, a dog, in debt up to my eyeballs...  Believe it or not, I am happy.

  I am the father of two beautiful and intelligent girls.  My wife has this fantastic, sharp, knowing mind that absolutely blows me away.  My job is.... fun.  I get to figure things out, take things apart, and sometimes, if I am lucky, help someone out.  I don't know that its possible to feel completely fulfilled. But I come home after a long day at work and the biggest joy in my world is having my kids love up on me and my wife give me a nice, but deeply passionate kiss.


I have substituted a life of experiencing other cultures, people and places with the adventures of fatherhood and truly taking part in the American dream.  Really, I couldn't be happier.


2fargone 2fargone
31-35, M
Mar 16, 2010