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I Am Sad Today

Just Kick Me When I'M Already Down

By: Kathieredart
Written on January 26th, 2013
Today was a sad one. And made even more sad as the day continued. I had a mid morning appointment that I knew would be unpleasant; a meeting that I have been dreading.

At home waiting for the time to pass, I was undone. I didn't want to cry, in fact, I " commanded" myself not to. My eyes, I swear, had a mind of their own. I didn't sob, I was silent. One eye would spill, then the other sent its twin.
I did the only thing that soothes me, I painted until time to leave.

The meeting took place.... Then I went to Mom's for final visit of the day.

Mom to me: Where do you live?
Me: I live down the road, not far. ( Mom's been here many times)
Mom: Do you have a house? ( many, so many times)
Me: I do.
Mom: That's best isn't it? It's best to have a home of your own ......

Unbeknownst to my Mother, I had just come from viewing the tiny room that would be hers in the Alzheimer's group home. Knowing today was the day I would face reality was the cause of my spilling tears. But this time I bit my quivering lip and answered, Yes Mom, a home of your own is best.

I beg you to not judge me as I say to you, I hope my Mother passes away soon... I hope she dies peacefully in her sleep... In her home, because," that's what's best, isn't it?"

By: Kathieredart
Age: 56-60 , Female
351 people have read this story

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30 responses
  • drkatz
    drkatz

    Thank you Kathie, for sharing a part of your life with me. I was just writing to a new EP friend about the isolation I have felt visiting my mother in a nursing home. Last Christmas I brought my Mom gifts and she didn't have a clue who I was. I have been taking care of my mother's finances for over six years now, whereas my brother hasn't seen my mom in about four years. Honestly, I wouldn't fight to hold back the tears. I have spent countless occasions weeping in my parked car outside my Mom's nursing home. I hope that you have the emotional support to cope with these trying times. Take care, Betsy

    Jan 27
    2 likes
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      Awww Betsy. Christmas was rough here to. She forgot it happened. I am so sorry about your Mom. You need a hug too. I love my Sister, but she ... Well, nevermind I know you know. Some people are comfortable being caregivers, some not. My heart hurts for you.

      Jan 27
      1 like
  • kelly1981
    kelly1981

    So sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. Don't try to stay strong all the time, if you can't, because eventually the dam breaks, if you know what I mean. I've been there, trying to hold back on tears is not healthy. Don't feel bad for feeling sad, you have every right to be. Will be thinking of you and your mom! Big hugs xxx

    Jan 27
    2 likes
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      Hi Kelly, I needed to hear that, and it feels like I cry all the darned time now. I am so vulnerable. Even reading your kind words made me tear up. Big hug back, and thank you.

      Jan 27
      1 like
  • 123friend
    123friend

    Heart rendering story. May things get easier on u and your mom. Big soothing hug.

    Jan 27
    2 likes
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      Thankyou you very much for stopping by to say that, and for your hug too.

      Jan 27
      1 like
  • BozoBuckets
    BozoBuckets

    From all of us who have endured the pain that you're facing: You will never be judged for your love and desire for peace and your mother's comfort. I'll be praying for you and your mom and so will many others. I am so sad and sorry that you are hurting.
    Big Hugs, Kath.

    Jan 27
    2 likes
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      Hi dear Friend. I know you care and you know that I appreciate it. It is part of life, I will be okay in time. You are a cherished friend to me.

      Jan 27
      1 like
  • emmylou82
    emmylou82

    Ah I feel for you greatly although I have no personal knowledge of this particular subject yet I feel I can understand your reasoning and wish you happiness and hope you have great support during these heartbreaking difficult times <3

    Jan 27
    2 likes
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      Thank you so much emmylou. Writing about it is helping me face reality, which I have needed to do. Oxox

      Jan 27
      1 like
  • purplefreesias
    purplefreesias

    I am so sorry. I am going through something similar at the moment with my Mum. I don't know if she has alzheimers or early onset dementia. I feel your pain but you are doing the right thing. Admitting that you cannot cope with her is not easy. Take care

    Jan 27
    2 likes
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      You have so much hurt in your life right now. ( I popped onto your profile ) I am sorry to hear about what has happened. And further sorry to hear of your MOM's memory starting to fade. Forget about me, YOU'RE the one who needs a comforting hug, and here it is. My heart goes out to you Sweetheart.

      Jan 27
      1 like
    • purplefreesias
      purplefreesias

      Please don't apologise. I am coping in my own way. The thing with my Mum hasn't hit quite so hard yet but I know it is getting there. Please, please mail me at any time. I will make the journey with you, it could help us both. Hugs back

      Jan 27
      1 like
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      Since I walk around lately on the verge of tears... Your kind comment touched my heart and my year ducts. Thank you for so much.

      Jan 27
      1 like
  • stamp24
    stamp24

    I am a nurse that works in a long term facility. I see this everyday. Daughters come in to see their mom, husbands come in to see their wife, grandkids come to see grandma and they have no clue who is talking to them. It is very sad and heart breaking. The way you feel is normal. You don't want to see her like this and just want her to be at peace. I pray for you and your family.

    Jan 27
    2 likes
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      I am so happy you found this and read what happened today. Your kindness cheered me. Thank you so much. Oxo

      Jan 27
      1 like
  • 1Booklover510
    1Booklover510

    ((((((hugs)))))) Kathie, I'm so sorry dear friend.

    Jan 26
    2 likes
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      ( hugs back ) Thank you, Book. I appreciate that. Oxo

      Jan 26
      1 like
  • LGnNC
    LGnNC

    My heart is breaking for you...and for your Mom. I can only imagine how very painful and difficult this is for you.

    Jan 26
    2 likes
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      I was hoping I wouldn't have to do it, but she needs more than I am capable of providing now. I didn't want it to come to this, LG. And, yes, I am a mess.

      Jan 26
      1 like
    • LGnNC
      LGnNC

      It's obvious you love your Mom very much, and I can't help but believe that somehow she knows it on some level.

      Jan 26
      1 like
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      That made me smile.... A little one, but I smiled. Thank you, you are kind.

      Jan 26
      1 like
    • LGnNC
      LGnNC

      I'm glad.

      Jan 26
      1 like
    • 1Booklover510
      1Booklover510

      I agree with you LG :-) Kathie if its any comfort to you, I remember when my grandmother had to be put in a nursing home and how heartbreaking it was for my aunt. Turned out that Gram loved the place--really thought it was her home. If anyone brought candy to her--had to bring 2 boxes, One for her real room and one for "living room" so she could share with her guests (the other residents) She was happy as a clam, I pray your Mom;s experience can be similar

      Jan 26
      1 like
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      I would be thankful beyond words if it worked that way for Mom. Oxo

      Jan 26
      1 like
    • 1Booklover510
      1Booklover510

      well consider the prayers being said for her Kathie, :-)

      Jan 26
      1 like
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      Love and thanks.... You are something else, my thanks.

      Jan 26
      1 like
    • 1Booklover510
      1Booklover510

      ((((hugs))))) Kathie you are welcome

      Jan 26
      1 like
    • 1newcardinal
      1newcardinal

      Try to think in terms of now being able to give more of yourself to her, now that she will be with round-the-clock caregivers. I know from experience that it is an exhausting thing, taking care of a loved one with dementia. My mom has lived in a nursing home for almost 2 years. Lucky for us, she is not unhappy there, in fact is very content. On the days when I take her out to run errands with me or bring her to my house to eat lunch and hang out,she loves it but it is extremely hard because it's like having
      a child with me, having to watch her every move. I have kids ages 12 and 15, so I'm on the go a lot and can't be with her everyday, but I don't torture myself about that. I take care of my family and home and
      I do little things for myself so that when I am with her I am not tired and aggravated, but am refreshed
      and can be good company for her. I wish you the best! Take care of yourself as you know she would want you to. Blessings and prayers to you both.

      Jan 27
      1 like
    • Kathieredart
      Kathieredart

      I k ow you can relate. After 4 and a half years of visits 2 to 3 times a day, I am very, very weary. I have had to let so much go in my life. Yes, it is entirely like having a child to tend to. I know I will have guilt, but when I do, I'll reread comments like yours and feel better. Thank you, Love.

      Jan 27
      1 like
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