Just Kick Me When I'M Already Down

Today was a sad one. And made even more sad as the day continued. I had a mid morning appointment that I knew would be unpleasant; a meeting that I have been dreading.

At home waiting for the time to pass, I was undone. I didn't want to cry, in fact, I " commanded" myself not to. My eyes, I swear, had a mind of their own. I didn't sob, I was silent. One eye would spill, then the other sent its twin.
I did the only thing that soothes me, I painted until time to leave.

The meeting took place.... Then I went to Mom's for final visit of the day.

Mom to me: Where do you live?
Me: I live down the road, not far. ( Mom's been here many times)
Mom: Do you have a house? ( many, so many times)
Me: I do.
Mom: That's best isn't it? It's best to have a home of your own ......

Unbeknownst to my Mother, I had just come from viewing the tiny room that would be hers in the Alzheimer's group home. Knowing today was the day I would face reality was the cause of my spilling tears. But this time I bit my quivering lip and answered, Yes Mom, a home of your own is best.

I beg you to not judge me as I say to you, I hope my Mother passes away soon... I hope she dies peacefully in her sleep... In her home, because," that's what's best, isn't it?"

Kathieredart Kathieredart
56-60, F
7 Responses Jan 26, 2013

Thank you Kathie, for sharing a part of your life with me. I was just writing to a new EP friend about the isolation I have felt visiting my mother in a nursing home. Last Christmas I brought my Mom gifts and she didn't have a clue who I was. I have been taking care of my mother's finances for over six years now, whereas my brother hasn't seen my mom in about four years. Honestly, I wouldn't fight to hold back the tears. I have spent countless occasions weeping in my parked car outside my Mom's nursing home. I hope that you have the emotional support to cope with these trying times. Take care, Betsy

Awww Betsy. Christmas was rough here to. She forgot it happened. I am so sorry about your Mom. You need a hug too. I love my Sister, but she ... Well, nevermind I know you know. Some people are comfortable being caregivers, some not. My heart hurts for you.

So sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. Don't try to stay strong all the time, if you can't, because eventually the dam breaks, if you know what I mean. I've been there, trying to hold back on tears is not healthy. Don't feel bad for feeling sad, you have every right to be. Will be thinking of you and your mom! Big hugs xxx

Hi Kelly, I needed to hear that, and it feels like I cry all the darned time now. I am so vulnerable. Even reading your kind words made me tear up. Big hug back, and thank you.

Heart rendering story. May things get easier on u and your mom. Big soothing hug.

Thankyou you very much for stopping by to say that, and for your hug too.

From all of us who have endured the pain that you're facing: You will never be judged for your love and desire for peace and your mother's comfort. I'll be praying for you and your mom and so will many others. I am so sad and sorry that you are hurting.
Big Hugs, Kath.

Hi dear Friend. I know you care and you know that I appreciate it. It is part of life, I will be okay in time. You are a cherished friend to me.

Ah I feel for you greatly although I have no personal knowledge of this particular subject yet I feel I can understand your reasoning and wish you happiness and hope you have great support during these heartbreaking difficult times <3

Thank you so much emmylou. Writing about it is helping me face reality, which I have needed to do. Oxox

I am so sorry. I am going through something similar at the moment with my Mum. I don't know if she has alzheimers or early onset dementia. I feel your pain but you are doing the right thing. Admitting that you cannot cope with her is not easy. Take care

You have so much hurt in your life right now. ( I popped onto your profile ) I am sorry to hear about what has happened. And further sorry to hear of your MOM's memory starting to fade. Forget about me, YOU'RE the one who needs a comforting hug, and here it is. My heart goes out to you Sweetheart.

Please don't apologise. I am coping in my own way. The thing with my Mum hasn't hit quite so hard yet but I know it is getting there. Please, please mail me at any time. I will make the journey with you, it could help us both. Hugs back

Since I walk around lately on the verge of tears... Your kind comment touched my heart and my year ducts. Thank you for so much.

I am a nurse that works in a long term facility. I see this everyday. Daughters come in to see their mom, husbands come in to see their wife, grandkids come to see grandma and they have no clue who is talking to them. It is very sad and heart breaking. The way you feel is normal. You don't want to see her like this and just want her to be at peace. I pray for you and your family.

I am so happy you found this and read what happened today. Your kindness cheered me. Thank you so much. Oxo