9 Years Now

 It has been nine years since me and steve were in the car accident that caused his death and my being confined to wheel chiar. 

I will today go to the place it happened and again place a cross i made for him along the road side.  I will again visit his grave today too.   I will remember all the good times me and my brother had growing up.  How when little we would dress the same in jeans and tshirt just to fool people as to who was who.  (being twins was able to do this well).  I will always live with the fact that a drunk driver gets off with just a slap on his wirst.  While my brothers body lays in the ground and i still struggle with everyday tasks sometimes due to this chiar. 

I know my brothers spririt is not in the ground with him.  I know it has come back as something else on this earth.  And I know it is free.  That helps me to cope better with him not being here with me.  But, I still go through days of wishing it was me instead of him.  Or if was possible not happening at all. 

I miss him dearly.  I have a piece of my spirit missing as it went with him.  It will never be completly healed.  But, it is getting better.  It is getting easier to deal with.  I feel his spirit some days stronger then others.  And some days it gone weak as ever.  

For those who didn't know steve you would have liked him very much.  Everyone wanted to be friends with him.  He was easy going and full of life.  Had a brave heart and never once turned his back on someone in need.  He was true to his word.  He didnt complain about things.  Instead he try to make it better.  He always found ways to make everyone laugh.  And never once did he forget a promise if he made one.

I am glad he was in my life as my twin brother.  And if I could would gladly have him back with me now.  I now sit and wonder how life would be if he lived.   Would he be engaged already?  Wouild he be married already?  Would he have gone to college like he planned ?  He wanted to take up computer tech and was a wizz with the computers :).  He wanted to go to work for either Apple or Google at the time.  And be co owner with me with the ranch.  As like me he knew the business inside out. 

There is a portrait of him which i did hanging in the living room at the ranch.  And every time I see it makes me smile.  As he took the time to pose for me to do the portrait for him.  Remembering what was said and the jokes and teasing we did:). 

I love my brother very much.  And miss him dearly.  How much my life has changed in that one instance.  I have changed a lot since then.  Being in the wheel chiar has taught me a lot too.  About me and people around me.  As I am still sporting scars inside and out from that terrible day.  I see things now in such a different light.  I see other people differently then I did before also.  Most are good but I have had a few who need to get out of the stone age and get with real life.  And to those I feel sorry for the most. 

I have after 9 years decided it time to move on with my life.  And to live and love and give as much as I can.  For I know steve would not be happy if I didn't.  And life is really to short not to.  My gods have given me second chance at life even if wheelchair bound.  And will go forward as I am meant to do. 


Helaku-Etu Candi Wolfbane 

candiwolf candiwolf
26-30, F
2 Responses Jan 19, 2011

hi...ur stories connects with each one of us bercause we all live this pain of losing somebody very important at one point or the other. its the hardest thing to do...picking up the pieses of our lives and start living again no matter how badly it hurts us...it has to be done! but i think there is no need to forget or crub the memories of people we have lost...,no need to forget their smiles, moments we shared and evn the pain and the tears..because forgetting thse wud be like that person has never existed...! i am from a place whr people believ that the loved one we lose never leave us....! they watches over us like guardian angles...their love and their care wrapped us and save us from ruin. death mearly hide them from our vision but it can never erase them from our lives. even when they take another birth or reache their destination wherever it is... they stay with us like an energy...steady behind us...ready to help whenevr we need them. we take them with us every where we go...! ur brother wud b happy to see u smile. drive strength from his love and u l b fine...! we are with u .

Such a sad story, but I'm glad you have decided to make the most of your life, and I'm sure youe brother would want you to do that. You will never forget your brother, so try to enjoy your life, and remember the memories that keep you close to him. Read my poem Our Hearts Never Forget.Love<br />
Wishing you a meaningful life. love2day