The Whole World's Against Me

Ever had the feeling where you feel the whole world is plotting one big conspiracy against you? Be it friends, family or even god, everyone wants to see you down and low? Well, trust me when I say this, but I know exactly how it feels. It feels like hell.

I always thought I was a well liked person. My dad's career in the Navy caused us to move around a lot, so i got used to adapting. Now, I'm pursuing my engineering, living the ultimate dream. But I am just so sad. Friends who I thought will stick with me for a long time, are openly stabbing me in the back. Actually stabbing me in the front seems more apt, because they have no qualms about me knowing what they are doing. I had 2 friends, a girl and a guy. The girl liked the guy and she told me about it, because we were best friends and would share our deepest darkest secrets. I even told her about the abuse I experienced when I was 15, about my dad having a roving eye and about days when I just felt like taking an easy way out. I thought I had a friend who genuinely gave a damn about me, someone who felt bad when I was sad. But like all lessons in life, where you feel like you've been hopelessly stupid and naive, this one hit me really hard. My friend started feeling insanely jealous whenever I would spend time with the guy and she even started talking behind my back. All those secrets that made me feel dirty and that were supposed to remain hidden are now out in the open, for everyone to judge and have a good laugh. Just because for this girl, having the guy she liked exclusively to herself was way more important than all that crap about friendship being sacred and a wonderful thing and yada yada. And the guy- well he was supposed to be a really good friend too. But he lived up to the stereotype that exist for guys everywhere. The minute he knew about how screwed over I've been in life, that I'm not just the fun, let's get drunk and Manchester United sucks person, but also someone with scars and a dirty past, he ran like his *** was on fire. Not textbook true friend behavior right? I think out of all things bad that can happen to you, the worst is knowing that no one is worthy of your trust anymore,when a sense of paranoia sets in.

My mom always told me that I am a person who is bound to be sad for most of my life because I take everything personally and to heart. A lot of things apart from knowing that your friends are fake ******* can make you feel horrible from inside. Failure to be noticed at a job that you've put your heart and soul into, memories of sexual abuse that haunt your dreams every night and parents constantly fighting with each other. Yes mom, you're right. I take each of these things personally- a failure as a person, failure from my God who would let something bad happen to me, and failure from my family who just can't bring themselves to be happy. I feel like everybody is doing these things with one question in their mind- will this hurt Adithi? And the answer is clear for them to see.

I never believed in being overemotional, of wearing your heart on your sleeves and crying every time you have a chance to. Many people call me heartless sometimes, because I appear to be so unaffected by the things that happen to me or around me. But the truth is it hurts, it hurts really really bad. And my mom knows that, because she's the only person I can show a part of my pain to. The rest of it I kept bottled inside, but recently I realized it's a dangerous thing, when I couldn't handle anymore and lost control. I ended up cutting myself, thinking that the pain I feel inside will let itself out in the form of physical pain. It didn't work, and the scars on my hand make me feel uglier than ever. I had to find an alternative, this is one desperate attempt. Writing it out and knowing that I can tell people how bad I feel, makes me feel good.

And knowing that a lot of you go through the same thing as me, makes me feel less alone. There's a song i heard recently- I am woman by Helen Reddy. A line in that song really made me think, I had an epiphany of sorts. Here it is
"Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul"
The epiphany- I have decided to take up an experiment. I am completely sure that the world is against me, that they are plotting and planning a lot of pain for me. But like the lyrics above suggest, I think once in a while I'll try to think that maybe in the process the world wants to do me some good after all. "Wisdom born of pain"- so at the end of it I should be a really wise person indeed. It's an attempt to convert pessimism to optimism- one form of energy to another. It's an experiment with no proven results, I'll be the first specimen to test its effects. So to all you guys who have read what I've written and maybe found some sense to it, I'll let you know if it really works. But till then, stay strong, and if it's possible say a little prayer for me. :)
aduaaku aduaaku
18-21, F
1 Response May 19, 2012

I don't know if ME praying to God would help you since he'd probably strike me down as I've not been to Chapel for mass in years but I'll keep you in my thoughts :) Thanks you sharing your epiphany and I hope your experiment works.<br />
<br />
I know how bad it is when those people you trust with your most deepest secrets turn against you for nothing. If you ever want to talk or vent or have someone to just listen till then end when they say here and shove virtual!ice-cream at you then don't hesitate to send me a messge...