Bad Decisions

First off, I am usually a very happy-go-lucky person. I smile a lot and have a friendly demeanor. But last night I went to bed angry... mainly at myself but for other reasons as well which I will get to later.

When I awoke very late this morning I felt sad and I'm still feeling it. I've been unemployed going on 9 months ( the longest ever) I'm scared, I feel like crying. I don't want just any job I would like a job/career that is what I love to do AND get paid well for it. Is that too much to ask for? It's gloomy 2day looks like rain that isn't helping either.

I have aspirations and ideas to start my own business and I've invented a new pet product... but have no idea where to start. I feel paralyzed, when in doubt I frezze and act like nothing is wrong but if nothing is done soon my financial situation will only get worse. 

I'm also sad because I've hurt someone emotionally. I never meant to do that. This goes back to what I was reffering to at the begining.  I'm mad at myself for giving into a man and then for him to turn around and tell his friends what we did AFTER I specifically asked him not to. I asked him to keep our business to himself. What a jerk! So now I look like a ****.

What makes matters worse is that his firends happens to be friends with a man that I've slept with in recent past. That's the man who's feeling are hurt but yet he truly has no right to be that way because he never pursued me as anything more than an occasionaly booty call. Hey I'm single and I feel I should be able to have safe sex to whom I please and just because you sleep with more than 1 person doesn't make you a ****. Sex doesn't = Love. Sex is physcial and Love is and emotion that I don't feel with either men. I feel like my friend should get over it but I haven't talked to him yet. Instead other mutal friends of his want to lecture me about how a woman should not be promiscuous. But yet men do it all the time. NOT FAIR! I'm angry... but mainly at myself which in-turn makes me sad. Basically I've come to realize that men will always get to have the "double standard" when it comes to sex. 

Okay I think I'm done venting. I wanted to get this out somehow without being judged. I don't judge people. I let people be who they are. Why can't people do the same for me! Life is beatuiful and it also can be very complex but it dosen't have to be. Just trying to keep it simple.

CrazyA CrazyA
Mar 4, 2009