Why Have I Become This Sad Person?

why does it have to be like this? i used to be the kind of person that at least got some enjoyment out of life!!! even though i am a loner, but the thing is, i used to be happy with just the odd night out here and there, and then spending the majority of my time on my own!! i have never really been the most sociable person, although i have always tried to get myself out and about!!! but lately its been different!!! ive been having, not what i would call nightmares, but just dreams and in these dreams is my late father who passed away 3 years ago, and when i wake up from these dreams, it doesnt feel very good, cos i wake up and realise that he is no longer with us, and a sad feeling comes over me!!! even my work used to be okay, i used to think that i didnt exactly have a bad job, but now i hate it!!! and even as i say, im not the most sociable person in the world, but when i go on a night out, i dont enjoy myself, and even now, when i spend time on my own which i used to enjoy, i dont even enjoy that any more!!! and it all just gets me down, cos as i stated in one of my other posts, i signed up to facebook, and im getting in contact with all my old friends in south africa, but the problem is, i look at them, and i see them getting on with their lives, and they all have wives and girlfriends and they are having kids and so on, and doing well for themselves!!! the past few years havent been great!!! lost 3 family members, had depression and a gambling problem!!! i once nearly commited suicide, and litterally watched the train go right past me!!! the problem is, im starting to get these thoughts into my head again, although im too scared to actually do it!!! its not like major thoughts of suicide, its just kinda small thoughts that come into my head!!! i feel so hollow inside!!! i push people away when they try to get me to open up, and then when it gets to a point when nobody pays attention to me cos they gave up trying to get me to open up, i end up thinking that nobody cares about me!! and nobody loves me!!! it sucks!!! big time!!!

cowshed123 cowshed123
36-40, M
1 Response Mar 11, 2009

I understand everything, you're not the only one at all, everyone can get the suicidal thoughts because life is pretty tough and you've really been through a lot, however when one gets passed that awful moment, one can think straight again and see life in another light and it is a pretty healthy , happy life, you deserve all the good in the world, I can't tell you to not feel this way but you know? we really have to protect our own hearts. Believe me I've felt like that many times. You'll do great :)