Worst Year

I am so incredibly sad and have no outlet to turn to.

I am almost 30 and i've had a horrible personal year, and despite the fact that I am a highly intelligent person who was on her way to getting her dream personal job (which now hangs in limbo) I did a dumb dumb dumb thing and now on top of family problems, i have a secret to hide.

To get through this as quickly as possible.  An immediate relative died in the spring from complications of cancer.  Shortly after an immediate relative was diagnosed w/cancer and the outlook is not promising.  He recently spent time in the hospital and is recovering as best as possible.  In addition, another immediate relative was basically given a very short time to live this past friday.  W/out a specific operation, this person could very easily pass away and for understandable personal reasons, this person chooses not to have the operation.  In addition to ALL of that, there have been other smaller problems.

My secret concerns the fact that i was arrested over a month ago.  It was a STUPID arrest and i was doing nothing at the time of the arrest.  It was a gung-ho rookie. And yes, i'll admit that having under 1gram of pot is dumb dumb dumb (esp at my age and in mjy field) but I had a moment of weakness and now i have to pay for it.  I'm terrified every moment: that my family will find out, that one of my 3 bosses will find out, that my friends wil lfind out, that I'll lose my financial aid and not be able to finish school. I feel like a loser.

So on top of my family falling apart, i'm having a mental breakdown about everything else that i'm keeping a secret.  It feels so selfish in spite of my faimly's situation but who knows if i'll ever be able to go into the two professions that I've gone to school for and worked so hard to get there and i'm almost there.  On top of everything, my boyfriend of 5 years and i have been fighting, mostly my fault bc i'm so stressed.  I'm about to just burst into tears at any moment.  I hate sleeping bc my brain never stops thinking about EVERYTHING.

I hate my life. I am so sad and i know part of it is my fault.  Yet it's so hard to not say, "IT'S NOT FAIR.  WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE ALL THIS."    So i'll just say.  It's not fair. What did i do to deserve all this?????

shglassman shglassman
26-30, F
3 Responses Sep 20, 2009

shglassman, I am so sorry you are sad. I hate being sad. It is miserable. But in reality you do have a lot on your plate to be having and suffering from this emotional. Losing so many in your family, is frightening, and really awakens one to reality of mortality. The deal with the pot. YOU recognize that it was not a smart thing to do, having that on your person. It was a bad decision and YES we have all made them. I do not think, you should worry so much, about your family finding out. As they have much worse things, on their plates right now, with all of your relatives and their illness' or passing. NOT a person on the face of this earth is perfect. NO not even your 3 bosses and I will give you this much, that once they were young also and more than likely make a bad decision or two, while they were young. And one other little tid bit, WE as humans always seem to take out our pain on the ones we love or care very much about. Try to keep this in mind when looking at your boyfriend okay? Take a deep breath and cry if you have to, long and hard. Sometimes I hear that does help.

I'm sorry to hear about your relatives..and as macherla said? don't worry. ingest things one at a time..I hope you feel better!

don't worry man