Bitter Much?

///WARNING!!!///
THIS POST CONTAINS THE FLAGRANT USE OF EXPLETIVES.  IF YOUR EYEBALLS ARE SENSITIVE TO THAT SORT OF THING YOU MAY BE OFFENDED.

Nursing school is really ******* hard.  No, I don't mean that it's difficult, or challenging.  It's REALLY ******* HARD.  Most of the people in my class (two weeks into the program) are still putting the good foot forward, pretending they're all hard-*****, tough to break and totally prepared for this nutso ******* tour through cerebral hell.  None of us are prepared, we all suck and we're all borderline Asperger's mixed with Schizophrenia and a little bit of Bipolar in there too for good measure.  It isn't one thing, it's every thing.  There are so many books and terms and techniques.  And then you have all this online **** and videos and information crammed into your brain housing group until it's nothing but bouillabaisse up there mixed with dog food.

Can we add more onto that pile?  SURE! ******* bring it on butt-plugs!

I'm breaking out in acne all over the place because of the stress.  No, it's much worse than when I was a teenager, I didn't have acne then.

I can't really eat anything because of the Celiac's and I don't really WANT anything except Coca-Cola and french fries.  I plan on weight eight thousand pounds when this **** is all over.

One of my classmates freaked the **** out during lab.  Yep, we were trying to listen for systolic with the help of the professor and at one point, her mind just snapped and she started crying hysterically.  I felt her pain.  The professor had her lay down on the gurney (same one we just spent the morning making, unmaking and making again, taking turns laying in it to practice making a bed with a body in it--my favorite because you lay there without helping and it feels really nice to just relax).  We all felt her pain but one dumbass chick just had to be the uber-***** and make fun of her later on.  RRIIIIIGHT.  Like THAT ***** is prepared at all for this.  If she says one more time what we'll be doing when we're nurses (like she ******* knows) I may go Postal on her and give her a practical assessment that will stick with her.

I have a bunch of ******* textbooks.  When I commented that it was like fifty pounds in my backpack...  this guy hefted one book in his hand and corrected me.  Apparently, it's more like 42 lbs...  Let's *DO* be accurate, shhhhhhaaaalllll weee?  Thank GOD I have a contrarian, devil's advocate...  otherwise I might get too big for my britches.

Talking and walking in a grocery store and this chick caught my eye.  Why?  I mean, I'm not gay.  Personally, I'd probably be happier if I WERE gay...  but I digress.  So I notice this chick because she appears around 16-19, she's wearing yoga pants where the waist was just above her pubic crest, so tight you could clearly make out that she was shaven clean, no underwear, and a sports bra that buttoned between her ****; sort of...  Standing with her hip cocked to the side like an advertisement for rental opportunities.  I stood there watching every man (regardless of age) eye-******* this girl.  Out loud I said, "wow, every man here would **** her if she let em..."  and this guys said, "yep."  Too bad his partner was standing there.  Reality sucks... that's why reality TV holds no appeal for me.  I get enough reality living my actual life.  I don't need to watch other ********' lives.

Stress makes me sarcastic.  It makes me blurt out inappropriate things at inappropriate moments.  Whatever.  So when a male classmate nearly fell apart trying to help a female classmate with her books, I was proud of my restraint because I didn't say a word.  Later on, I blew it all to hell.  In A&P lab he said he didn't want to be my lab partner because that particular girl just transferred into that lab, and though she wasn't yet in lab, he wanted to partner with her.  I blurted out, "No problem, I'm certainly not going to **** you."  It was out before I could recall it.  Sometimes, when your mouth runs afoul, all you got is to ride it out.  Thankfully, he started laughing.

Later, the other dude in class flirts with me a bit.  I squashed that **** like I was preventing an invasion.  He said, "that wasn't meant as an overture, I was just flirting."  The bitter, bitchy look on my face sort of said it all.  So I said, "it always starts that way.  It's just a harmless flirt.  And then one thing leads to another.  Or some stupid **** like that.  People get devastated and all anyone can say is 'I never meant for that to happen.'"  After a few reflective moments, he nervously asked, "Bitter much?"

Bitter much?

******* hell yes.  I'm bitter as **** and I may as well just lay it out there in the sunlight so I can let it go.  I got **** to do.  Serious **** that is occupying all of my brain, body and soul.  This is stressful as ****.  AND I gotta find a job during 3rd shift so I can keep paying rent and gas and all that happy ****.  So, I get to do school full-time in this intense, hard as hell nursing school because they have nearly 100% job placement within 3 months of graduating; I have to work full-time at some point during the night so I don't have day care costs; I have one kid in college who needs support through recovering from having a ****** *** dad who treated him like a piece of crap all his life; a daughter with Asperger's who leaves for college next year; a whole bunch of other kids who actually like me and want to be with me; a ****** up house where there are stacks of boxes everywhere STILL... 

Somewhere in all that mess, my brain spins round and round seeing images of a man I loved with all my heart going down on an 18 year old girl.  Am I nuts?  **** yes.  I've lost my mind and should have stopped caring a long time ago.  And yet, I still care, I care a lot.  Why?  Clearly the writing is on the wall and it's in bold, all-caps and surrounded by wingdings.  Will I read it?  Only every second of every day because every time I try to think of anything not nursing related all I can see is every woman he ****** while he was making promises to me. 

Bitter much?  Yeah.  That's what cheating does.  The person who wasn't worth faithfulness gets to live with the fact that they weren't worth it no matter how much they loved and cared about the relationship.  And I so do NOT have time to reflect on this ****.  Because as much fun as it is to sit here and hate myself and disparage myself for not being all the things he sought in those women...  I already have a team of people shaking me down and telling me daily that I suck so that I will learn how to be a great care provider and do the very best I can for everyone entrusted to my care.  I do not have time or energy to sit here and suffer heartache and hurt over it.  But life isn't like that... life doesn't take into account what you got going on.  No.  Life says, "Hi, remember me?  I'm here to **** up your day for the next few years until you wrap your head around this and move on."

So you tell me.  TELL ME.  How do you wrap your head around finding your soulmate, your twin flame...  and them KNOWING who you are to them...  and them actively seeking out sexual conquests with other women?  How do I wrap my head around that?  How do I even begin to understand why someone who could FEEL the connection we shared, why they would pursue a woman they knew would find me a taunt me with their sexual tryst?  Yeah, I know she reads my ****.  I saw that she corrected her story where she originally referred to a fine, high-end cigar as a "stoagie," incorrectly.  I know that she makes fun of me.  I know that she gets off being the one he chose over his soul-mate.  She couldn't have made that any more apparent than when she announced herself on my ******* whiteboard so that all my friends could see that the man I loved and believed loved me didn't actually give a **** about me but was instead super in love with her. 

How do I wrap my head around anything that happened?  How do I wrap my head around the layers of lies he told me?  Lies he continued to tell me until just recently when I pointed out what was true and he had nothing else but to admit that I knew the truth all along.  Of course I knew the truth.  Of course she communicated with me to share with me every detail of every encounter they had over the two weeks he was there.  How do I wrap my head around the lies still told that they only met once, when it was clear at the time that they shared his hotel room the entire time he was there.  How she muffled her giggles when he talked to me on the phone because while he was telling me he loved me, he was buried inside her.  How the flying **** monkeys do I wrap my head around that?  You see, I'm not by nature a psychotic neurotic *****.  I've had this really intense life-event on the heels of escaping domestic violence that has me just reeling inside.  I escaped verbal and physical violence to leap right into the arms of deception, sexual dysfunction and utter betrayal.

I'm bitter and rudely sarcastic because I have no other language to express the insanity brewing between my ears. 

Bitter much?  Oh, seriously.  You have no ******* idea. 
TrustIsEarned TrustIsEarned
46-50, F
5 Responses Sep 6, 2012

I am often left speechless here. I'd just echo the sentiments of Copper and RR.

So tell us how you really feel... Be honest now!

Yossi...I've got a million things to say about this one but no where near enough time to type them out. I'll be back, but in the mean time, here's some extra soda and the really good french fries from the food court. Also, I'm trying out a new recipe for flourless chocolate cake this weekend. If it works out I'll be sending you the recipe, cause heavens knows you need some chocolate about now.

I feel guilty being so entertained by the trauma in you life, but I blame you for being such a good writer.

YES!

There is no one quite like you, Trust, and I mean that as a compliment. First off, congrats on plugging through nursing school. I have a bunch of friends who are nurses and that **** was hard work to even get into!<br />
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I admire your spirit. Your perseverance. Your ability to be painfully and openly honest about having your heart ripped out. This may seem hollow, but I want to categorically state: he did not deserve you. You know who he deserves? THIS twit. The one who feels that this man is any sort of catch:<br />
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".. she muffled her giggles when he talked to me on the phone because while he was telling me he loved me, he was buried inside her. " <br />
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I can not comprehend doing this to another woman. How do these two NOT deserve each other?<br />
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Don't let them take any more of your time or any more space in your head. Be well, move forward and continue with the hard won successes in your life.

Thanks RR. I just have been awake all night prepping for lab tomor.... TODAY in a few hours. As I work and try to absorb this info, I read about how he's feeling badly and needs nurturing and I'm like, "seriously, dude? YOU need support?" It's like, WTF??? After everything that happened, he has the audacity to feel sorry for HIMSELF??? It pissed me off and I needed to just get it all out there.

Thanks for all the support you give me. Thanks for being my friend.

Lab...ugh...in a few hours? I tip my hat to your multi tasking. I know you are going through a rough time. You are most welcome:-)