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Ok You Can Stop Saving Now...

My boyfriend and I decided to save ourselves for marriage. We actually bought rental property together and moved in together too...yet restrained ourselves...we even slept in the same bed!

Flash forward in time to our honeymoon. I slipped in behind him in the shower. Hands moving around to his waist and up his warm chest...he responded by yelling "What are you doing?!" and shoved me back. My head hit the tiles and I fell down. I ran to the bed and cried. He just wanted to take a shower. Eventually we consumated our marriage, but not on our honeymoon.

He was never a very sexual or sensual person. I had never known that. Flash forward to now. After 15 years of a sexless marriage, after 23 years of marriage and 31 years of being together I finally did it....I left.

I am not bashing anyone's desire to wait. It's sweet. It's noble. It's moral. But...

please at least consider my story so that you don't find yourself in the same sitiation so that you don't find yourself with an asexual person many years down the road. I shared my personal story to spare even one person that might benefit...then again, love is blind, isn't it?
imathinkin imathinkin 51-55, F 10 Responses Apr 13, 2012

Your Response


I am very sorry about your past, and very hopeful for your future. At least now, being free, you have an opportunity to live and love well.

Hey girl! I'm not that sorry about my past, but thanks. Just happy to be moving on along. I am however, optomistic.

Wow, just wow. So sorry.

Fast forward to today. If I meet someone (and this will sound crazy) I almost want to have sex with them before I date them. A guy friend told me this 20 years ago and I thought he was crazy but in fact I now think he was correct.

This is my story as well. I was in the marriage for 20 years. Legally still married to him. He was a virgin at the age of 29 saving himself for the right woman. Sadly, I was the woman. The only good news is that we had 3 beautiful sons, born through ivf because we did not have sex often enough I am now convinced (though I did not realize it at the time)

A person can fool you for as long as they want to do so. My significant others were not honest. They can lie to themselves and to you. The ones that use religion are the worst. They wrap themselves up in it at their convienance. They use bait and switch along with any other distortion that works for them.

Oh yes, the old bait and switch.
not good. One really has to wonder, why get married to someone if you dont want to have sex with them?

Unfortunately that lack of honesty is one of the cruelest types of betrayal. The fire was there, but now it is gone. Is it me???? When you try everything and nothing works you still cannot be 100% sure that you were not the cause. If you look outside for satisfaction you are automatically at fault in the eyes of your family. If you do not look outside then the frustration from lack of intimacy, which so often accompanies the lack of sex, will take your spirit to lows you had never imagined.
Admire the courage both you and imathinkin have shown in breaking that downward spiral.

Good to have company, but it's a club I wish had fewer members.

I know what you mean. I think the club may be one of the largest in the US.
As you look around they act as if they ignore it, it will go away. Actually it will, along with most of the happiness on their life.
I think you have already found there is more happiness in being alone than being with a partner that refuses all intimacy..

I never would have even known about the club, had it not have happened to me.

Truly sorry you became a member. Hopefully we can get you kicked out.

haha maybe if i raise a ruckus

know anyone named ruckus?

Never did mention my middle name did I....

Right you are...I think they just want a friend and will fool themselves as well as you to pursue their dream of asexual companionship.

It is depressing to deal with this year after year. It is soul sucking and horrible. I hope those caught in this can find a way out. I am out and still am dealing with the aftermath of living this kind of life for too long.

8 More Responses

I'm in exactly the same situation, my wife turned out to be almost completely asexual, didn't want sex during the honeymoon or almost any occasion after that. I feel completly taken advantage of, lied to and made a fool of. Please take this into consideration, that you might end up with someone like I stuck with. I definitely think waiting is the right thing to do...but it does have it's drawbacks. These days to can never trust someone fully, that they will do what they say they are going to do after you get married. We did talk about how much we wanted to before getting married, but this is when the lies started. So now what do I do...I can either get divorced and be poor the rest of my life or live with an sexual marriage. I'm sick about the choices I've made and how foolish they turned out to's wrecked my life.

"It's sweet. It's noble. It's moral."<br />
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I disagree. It's none of the above. Doctrinally spurning the nature our Creator provided fits the definition of a perversion and is not moral. And sadly, as you later discovered, causing strife is neither noble nor sweet. <br />
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In support of "saving it" for marriage - it may be healthier and/or safer in the short run if you're overly concerned with STDs* or pregnancy but that's about it.<br />
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*If STDs are a concern I suggest running far in the other direction.

When one talks about saving oneself for marriage this could have a wide diversity of meanings. It could mean that everything except penile penetration was acceptable or it could mean that even kissing with no sexual touching was off limits. Who sets the sexual limitations of any relationship before marriage and for what logical reason? Since sex and intimacy are what sets us apart from mere room mates we need to be really sure that our needs and expectations are quite closely synchronised to avoid a marriage disaster.<br />
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If we were to ask a possible partner at an early stage in the relationship how frequently they *********** and for how long, if they answered truthfully, this would give some sort of indication of their sexual needs and expectations. It also may be useful to ask whether their masturbatory needs were pretty constant year in and year out rather than with long periods of abstinence.<br />
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I honestly think that children at school should be educated to realize how important it is to have a partner with a similar libido. This could prevent countless years of heartache in later life.

Gods, Imathinkin, that is a terrible story. What an irretrievable waste of a large part of a lifetime. You have my compassion.<br />
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And I think you've just given a very very good reason why 'saving yourself' is not a good idea. In fact, there are two reasons: <br />
One: you want to take your partner to be for a testdrive. It is important to find out if you're compatible. Imagine they're a closet sadist, or a closet submissive and you are not the complementary to that. Horror and misery.<br />
Two: skill. Sex needs to be learned. Two ignorant innocents fumbling around under the sheets? This might turn into an off-putting experience. I remember my first girlfriend, she'd never experienced an ****** with any other lover. It took me a long time to get her there the first time. If she'd gotten stuck with one of those other guys, she might still be waiting.<br />
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Be careful, be safe, take precautions by all means, but make sure you learn the ropes and try your partner on for size and compatibility before you make commitments, that is my take.<br />
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Just talking about torte is not like trying to eat it, cutieee. You can talk about something if you haven't experienced it. But will it really be knowledgeable? <br />
Explain colour to a blind-from-birth man? Can you contemplate the sensual experience of cream and cherries and la<x>yers of bisque that you get from eating torte if you have never bitten into one? All you can do is speculate, and the real thing might turn out quite different.

what he said...people say what you want to hear...imaging that!