2 Many Involved

I am so scared my marriage won't last do to the constant meddling of my husbands family. Since we started dating there has been tension, comments, lies, insults, and rumors generated by his family. I don't know if it is because they feel I am taking him away or if it is because they feel I am not good enough. I have never experienced a boyfriends family not liking me. When we decided to marry I had many reservations of course because things hadn't gotten any better. I lied to myself reassuring my heart and mind that they would start to get more comfortable with me after we spent more time together and we got married. This wasn't so. Since we have been married I have reduced myself to not attending family functions because they treat me so poorly. My husband thinks because he doesn't see it or hear it he can't do anything about it. His sister ruined my reception do to her comments about my husband and I and they truly believe that I am the reason he never calls. They think i intercept all contact between them and their son which is totally untrue. I send every thank you card, birthday card, and holiday card. We also have SunRocket phone service for our home which allows him to see how calls everyday all day and listen to the messages via email. Sunrocket is like vonage. So even if I did try to intercept calls he would still see them because with every call he gets an email. I have asked what I can do to make things right and they refuse to try to make things better. I am not a fake person I am very blunt and I am a realist. I tried in every way to right things between all of us. They are very rude to me and make me feel unwelcome. the only time that my husband and i fight is where they are concerned. I am afraid that their constant butting in will be the end of us. I don't know what to do anymore and i am starting to question my choices to marry and if it was worth it. I constantly feel like running away.  What should I do?
babyblueshorty2003 babyblueshorty2003
22-25, F
6 Responses May 3, 2007

Kill it with kindness, sister! There is no 'winning' or 'losing' with family. Act as if there is NO issue at all. Try to spend alone time with the sister, mom, etc. separately. Get to know them and have them get to know and appreciate you. Do NOT mention any past issues. Just act as if nothing is wrong and move on. If they talk about any issues with you, listen respectively, and respond, "Thanks for your feedback. I am glad you feel free to talk with me about that. I will work on that." Say things like, "Now, there's an idea!"...notice how you are not agreeing or disagreeing. Some families just like drama and someone has to be the black sheep. Sooner or later, they will be tired of picking on you and move on to someone else. Just don't participate. Try to nurture the relationship your husband has with his family. Always remember birthdays, holidays, mother's day and ask him to call his mom or sister when he hasn't in a while. Hopefully, he's only saying positive things about you too ;-)

There is only one solution here: your husband has to solve this problem. His family's issues with you are not really about you (how can they be, given that they are not based in reality). His family's issues with you are really unresolved issues to do with *him*. Also, he is the only one who will be able to exert any leverage over them. It is, of course, up to you to get him to do something about it.

It's a very difficult thing, being in a relationship when the sig. other's family doesn't like you. My fiance is the younger brother of my ex-best friend (from high school); I'll call her A. Her mother blames me for all of A's problems. I had already started to stop being friends with her way before I started dating her brother, but I'm a nice person and have a hard time breaking off relationships, even if they are negative and awful. After I started dating her brother, she started having a relationship with a much older man who was married to one of our mutual friends from theatre. This was four years ago. The wife of this man considered A to be one of her best friends, but she quickly discovered that she was wrong. A and the married man's relationship quickly accelerated to a very physical/sexual (but also verbally abusive) relationship. He moved out of the apt. he shared with his wife about a year and a half after he and A started having their affair, and was constantly promising to get divorced. He's been without work for the past year and a half and has been living in A's parents' basement (with her) for the past year. (And yet, I was not allowed to even walk into my fiance's bedroom when he still lived at home...?!?) He is still not divorced. A's mom blames me for A's complicated and abusive relationship... or rather, she claims if I hadn't started dating her son, A and I would still be best friends and A would be in a normal relationship. My fiance and I are now planning our wedding and every time we ask his mom for any info - guest list, dress style pref, music, food, whatever - she blows us off, or tells me that it's my problem to deal with. She told my mom that I was "pestering her" with "pointless details" about the wedding, after my fiance asked her for her siblings' addresses for the guest list/invites/etc. I have spent the past four years of our relationship trying to ameliorate myself to her and trying to develop a civil, but safely distant, relationship with his sister. His dad is quite nice, but the women in that family! Oy vey!

the only thing you have to think about is how you feel about your husband, and if he respects you enough to keep it from hurting you the best he can. ive been through this and the best defense you have is your steadfast firmness in sticking by your husband no matter how bad they are. it might take four years, like me, or double that, but once youre in, youre in. my ex was the best about it...he just didnt talk to them about me until they were willing to accept me, and that is the furthest he got involved, he just let it takes its course, and thats the healthiest way it can happen. dont worry, family is hard but well earned

You can make the decision to change. You can't change what other people do.<br />
<br />
You have the the power.

running away from a problem is never the answer!! i feel like i'm reading about my own issues when read this. my husband and i have only been married a year and have already talked about divorce twice because of the way his family treats me and his lack of defending me. i dont know about your situation but my husbands father is not in his life. he was made the man of the house at a very young age. he only ever had his mom and sister. because of this he has always felt the need to take care of them and protect them. when i got serious with him it was as if i was taking him away from them. he started standing up for himself and taking care of himself. they felt like i forced him into a situation that he didnt want to be in when the truth was that he was always looking for a way out. they find a way to blame me for the bad things in their lives and resent me when good things happen to me and my family. if your husband is worth it then you have make it work. it's really hard work but can you imagine life without him? you obviously loved him enough to marry him. i had to struggle with this too. i almost called my wedding off because of his family's interferance but i couldnt picture life without him. the family is always a source of struggle but we work on our relationship with eachother first. as long as you can be strong as a couple then they cant hurt you. and dont hide how you feel but know that they were there first and if you leave him they will still be there. dont give them the satisfaction. plant your feet and show them that you're there for the long haul and they cant scare you away. THEY WILL eventually realize that they cant come between you( as long as you're sure that you want to be there). figure it out soon!!!good luck hon!!!