Is Love Enough?

my husbands philosophy is that if you dont talk about it, the problem doesnt exist...yeah, ok. i dont htink i was his type from the beginning. i was "thick." i got the impression that he usually dated petite girls. i'm 5'10 and big boned. i will never be petite..lol. i fear that he isnt attracted to me. he actually liked me for my personality. we were together a year before i got pregnant. he was devestated. he didnt want kids. i told him he could leave if he wanted to but i was having that baby. his family thought i did it on purpose, that couldnt be farther from the truth. i was quite shocked when i got pregnant. his family is a constant soure of conflict for us. we rarely have sex. he's a good dad but only on his time. he is very selfish with it. when he gets home from work he wants to wind down...for about 5 hours...sometimes i dont feel like we're a family. i feel like we're room mates and he happens to be the babysitter. when i try to organize a family vacaton or even just a family day at the zoo or the park he gets upset. its always we'll see or we'll talk about it later. my favorite is" it's my day off and i want to relax". me too a-hole!! but on my day off i want to relax w'my family not in front of the tv playing video games. i do all of the cleaning, shopping and i pay all the bills. somehow i feel like i ended up a single mother of 2 instead of a married mother of one. i dont feel like i have a partner most of the time. it's hard because when he does make an effort it's genuine. so iknow that it's in there...i just dont know how to help him bring it out. he says that love isnt a good enough reason to stay with someone. he says that you have to like them too.  i often feel like he's giving me a way out, like he wants me to be the one to end it. well i dont like him most of the time but i definitely love him. so is it enough?  i guess time will tell. i know that i cant just walk out. i need to give our family a chance. i cant give too much time though...if i ever truly believe that he is only with me for the sake of our daughter, i will leave.
ktsm0m ktsm0m
26-30, F
8 Responses Jun 18, 2007

Im a guy.
And im also new on EP.
Me and my fiance just gpt back together 6months ago. Im 27 . I met her 3 years ago...she got pregnant a year later.
I freakout(of course not infrnt of her). But becsuse something in me allways told me that didnt want a kid with her (for bad that sounds).
In october of last year i took the desition to end up the relationship. We used to fight alot... and it got to the point that it wasnt healthy . I wasnt happy and i can tell she is not either.
I tought i wwas taking the right desition. I was so done. She cried and begged me to not do that. I was determined.. anyway. The first 3 weeks i felt ok. I felt like i did what i wanted to do for the last 3years.
But one day it click. I started to missin her...nd started to think about the stupid fights that we had, started to missin her company, her pretty smile, the drama.

I tought she will come back to me if i go and tell her how i was feeling...but i was wroooong wroong.
I come bck home
....... ****... i **** up...omg...what did i did!!!!
The next 2 weeks i got in a side of my life that i had never been...
The depression started to fill me. The beggin started to coming up... yes i did beg her for come back.
I had to take a trip so i can leave her alone...i took of for two weeks with my daughter(with her permission)
When i came back. I really tought she had missed me and wanted us to get bck.(at least thats what the emails made me believe)
That night that i was back..she came to my place... we watched a movie...we had sex... we were sleepin in the same bed like before.... but some gut feelin got me up at 3in the morning... i went to the livin room and turn her off phone on... and i started to look in to her txt messege... omg...shes texting and talkin with someone
.. shes is tellin him that she misses him and cant wait to see him again and bla bla.. i cant believe it!!!
And thats how a soap popera started....for 3straight months. Till i finally met someone and my attention started to go somewhere else...2 weeks of that and all of the sudden out of the blue...my ex started to come to me. And told me that she thinks she made a mistake and asked me if i would take her back.

We had now at least 5 months of adapting and drama. But i also believe that we both growed from this. I learned alot and change alot too.
I now apreciate her more... i see her different..now i know what is to be without her...now i know that feelin of someone else havin her and she complete not longer have feelins for me..she have also change for the positive... we re not perfect..we still fight...but this timr we talk afterwards and trying to understand why i reacted a cetain way and biceversa.
Now i can say. I think i really do love this girl and a plus.. my beautiful daughter is here at home with us now is not just the weekends.
Something in me clicked.

With this i want to say.. no one knows really what we have in front of us...till u loose it

And havin that feelin is awkful..because i learned that love is the only thing i cant buy.

U guys might need a break.. no. Dont divorce. U guys need a break. Havin kids is not easy. And sometimes we guys tent to let woman deal more with them... i was the same..til i got in the situation of havin my daughter for 3 days!!! Alone!! It was hard!!!hard!!! But i learnes..i started to go to conselin, then i started to go to a parentin class... all by myself.before i used to say... conselin suck...i would never go to that crap.
Thru the separation...i was goin at least twice a weeek.

Let him know what is too be you. Let him also know that u met some one...
Let him feel he can loose his family if he not open his eyes.

I just want u to know... is going to be ok.
Relationships are tuff

It's definitely rough on a relationship if there's an unplanned pregnancy. His response when you told him you were pregnant, told you how he felt about either you, or becoming a dad, or both. I do think, but that's just my opinion, if he'd really fallen in love with you, the two of you could have worked through the unplanned pregnancy. The last sentences you wrote and the interpretation of them are probably true. He's giving you a way out so that he doesn't have to be the one to end it. If you doubt he finds you attractive, it's usually not in your mind. If a man is attracted to you, it's quite obvious. Even after years. From your whole story, it sounds like he never completely fell for you. That's not your fault. As you said it, you're just not his type. Maybe you should have a very frank conversation with each other about staying together or not, and how to be the best parents for your daughter whatever you decide?

WOW! I FEEL WE MARRIED THE SAME GUY.. EVERYTHING IS ON HIS TERMS.. YUP ALL THE TIME... TIME WITH HIS KIDS.. WHEN ITS CONVENIENT FOR HIM AND HIS GAME SCHEDULE. I SWEAR ITS LIKE HE WORKS ANOTHER FT JOB WITHOUT GETTING PAID BC W.O.W IS SO IMPORTANT FOR HIM. <br />
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WE TRIED COUPLES THERAPY.. FIRST LADY SAID IM SELFISH.. SEC GUY SAID HE WAS A LOSER TO HIS FACE.. I ENDED UP IN THERAPY ALONE BC I WAS PREGO WITH OUR 2ND CHILD AND HE LEFT TO FL TO START OVER.. <br />
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I DONT WORK AS OF APRIL..IM A STAY AT HOME MOM. AND ITS HARD TO ADAPT TO NOT BEING PART OF THE $ DECISION BC I DONT CONTRIBUTE..<br />
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HE "RELAXES" EVERY MORNING BEFORE WORK THEN AFTER WORK TIL HE KNOCKS OUT, GOD FORBID HIS KIDS WANT TO PLAY WITH HIM.. <br />
THEN WEEKENDS ARE FOR RELAXING AND ONE FAM EVENT EVERYOTHER WEEKEND.. <br />
LIKE THE ZOO OR THE MALL.. BUT EVEN THEN ITS FOR 2 HRS TOPS AND PHYS HE IS THERE BUT HIS MIND IS NOT THERE AT ALL.. <br />
SOMETIMES HE IS GREAT WITH THE KIDS N IT MELTS MY HEART BUT LIKE I SAID VERY SHORT TIME. I BELEIVE WE ARE ONLY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS AND BC I KNO I CANT MAKE IT ON MY OWN RIGHT NOW.. I AM REGISTERD FOR CLASSES IN JAN TO FINISH MY CAREER N EDUCATION.. I KNO THE BEST THING FOR ME IS TO STAY AND PUT UP WITH IT FOR MY KIDS SAKE.. BUT <br />
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ITS JUST TOOOOOO HARDDDDDDDD!!! <br />
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WHEN I SHARE MY FEELINGS IWTH HIM I AM ALWAYS THE BAD GUY AND HE SAYS IF IM SOOOO UNHAPPY, THERES THE DOOR AND NO ONE IS STOPPING ME. <br />
I KNO IF I LEAVE HE WILL PROB BE HAPPIER.. BUT I DONT WANNA FAIL AGAIN!!<br />
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HOW DID WE END UP IN THIS MESS :(

If you can't get him to go to counselling then I think you will have to recreate it at home the best you can. The first thing I think you should do is learn as much as you can about male psychology. Men *do* think differently to women, and without that insight, you will struggle to understand the core problem and find communication very difficult. Trying to talk to a man from a woman's perspective is a fruitless exercise, you need to understand his point of view first. The next thing you can do is try to get ob<x>jective perspectives on the situation from people who know it well. I don't mean chat with friends, I mean get them to try and give you a formal, no holds barred. And might it be possible to seek professional advice from marriage advisors by yourself? At any rate, the first step will be trying to get a genuine understanding of his situation. I think you also need to be understand your own issues with the relationship, separate them out into categories which are easier to address. Bundling them altogether can make any problem seem overwhelming. Decide what the most important improvement in things would be to you, and working on that first may give provide a better understanding of what the issues really are.

i've begged him to go to marriage counseling...he wont do it. he firmly believes that a therapist or counselor is going to blame all of our problems on him. he believes that he is going to be made out to be a bad guy. to me that says that he knows he's got problems. he just cant take anyone pointing them out. i know that it's going to come down to an ultimatum...marriage counseling or i walk away. but i know that he wont play games...he wont chase me... so if i decide to leave, i have to mean it. i'm not ready to give up yet but there is only so much i can take and when and if i reach that point i i will definitely leave him.

I have to agree with the ladies above.

Your story really hits me to the core. I am built similarily to you and my fiance has always previously liked slightly built women with big chests. We're getting married next September, but we know (mostly thanks to EP helping me become more comfortable with broaching conversation topics with him) that we have a lot of issues to work through before then. I agree with Erica... try couples' therapy... I wish I could get my fiance to try that before its too late.

It sounds like he feels trapped in the marriage because of your daughter. Thats just my gut reaction. I think you should try couples therapy. Neither of you seem happy at the moment, and just waiting won't make anything better.