I Am Scared Of Becoming A Paranoid Schizophrenic
When I was a little girl, I've had unexplained bouts of tantrums, a desire to be by myself, and an all around feeling of insecurity towards my mother. Looking back on this now, child psychologist's call this "how depression manifest's itself in children", which makes a lot of sense because now that I am a young adult, I have to take medication for my depression and anxiety.
I grew up in the late 80's, early 90's, and "child depression" didn't exsist, and every parent was dependent on Dr. Spock's child psychology book, and how their parents raised them. When my parents where going through my little "spells", the first thing my father suggested was that I was sad. "She's just unhappy, and wants certain things that we can't give her!" My mother on the other hand, suggested something more sinister: "Don't you have a paranoid schizophrenic brother?" She asked my father. "Maybe she was born with it! Normal children don't act this way, and Dr. Spock saids to bring her to a special doctor. "She even reads too much like your brother". My father was furious at this suggestion, and despite his refusal to even talk about it, she took me to various child psychologist's who all said the same thing: "Make a chart with stickers on it, so when she behaves like a good little girl, she gets a star". Needless to say, this never worked and my mothers persecution continued well into my late teens.
After my father passed away when I was 13, the abuse from my mother and younger sister got worse. They would both mock me, ridicule me, judge me, and openly make fun of me in public. They were also scared of me for a time, because I grew to be 5'11, and I enjoyed dressing in male clothing. I also still had that bad temper, that only showed when they did those horrible things to me. My mother still said that "normal girls don't act that way, and why doesn't she have a boy friend yet? There's clearly something wrong."
I started to go to doctors for my depression and anxiety when I started cutting myself. Once they found out about my paranoid schizophrenic uncle, they all believed that I was one too. I have no symptoms. No hallucinations, no voices, no outlandish ideas, no paranoid thoughts, nothing at all suggesting schizophrenia, and they all insisted I go see a therapist.
As the time went on, I later suffered a stroke at age 23 and found out I had many heart defects from child hood. In the year 2010, depression was more widely known and accepted, and I am now finally getting treatment for my depression and anxiety. My therapist saids that despite my uncle, I show no symptoms for paranoid schizophrenia and it is just depression. I however, am a hypochondriac, and mixed with my anxiety, this could be bad. Once I learned of the symptoms recently, I began to think that every sound I heard could be my mind. Or that the reason why I still play my fathers' video games is because I enjoy staying in the past. The reason why I believe in ghost's is because I actually believe in something that isn't real.
Basically, I'm freaking out, and I'm scared of becoming a paranoid schizophrenic. I've been told that I am my entire life, and I think I'm starting to believe it. I know it's just the anxiety talking, because I've actually fainted in fear many times. But I'm having problems believing that it was just my abusive, overbearing mother who planted those thoughts in the first place.
My anger has long since gone by the way, and it takes A LOT to get me upset. Many things have changed since I was young, and I've gone through many experiences and met many dear people who remain my friends to this day. I've never had so much support in my life, and I am definatly not the same person who I used to be. So far, I'm enjoying this journey through life...I just wish I wasn't scared while traveling down it.
I grew up in the late 80's, early 90's, and "child depression" didn't exsist, and every parent was dependent on Dr. Spock's child psychology book, and how their parents raised them. When my parents where going through my little "spells", the first thing my father suggested was that I was sad. "She's just unhappy, and wants certain things that we can't give her!" My mother on the other hand, suggested something more sinister: "Don't you have a paranoid schizophrenic brother?" She asked my father. "Maybe she was born with it! Normal children don't act this way, and Dr. Spock saids to bring her to a special doctor. "She even reads too much like your brother". My father was furious at this suggestion, and despite his refusal to even talk about it, she took me to various child psychologist's who all said the same thing: "Make a chart with stickers on it, so when she behaves like a good little girl, she gets a star". Needless to say, this never worked and my mothers persecution continued well into my late teens.
After my father passed away when I was 13, the abuse from my mother and younger sister got worse. They would both mock me, ridicule me, judge me, and openly make fun of me in public. They were also scared of me for a time, because I grew to be 5'11, and I enjoyed dressing in male clothing. I also still had that bad temper, that only showed when they did those horrible things to me. My mother still said that "normal girls don't act that way, and why doesn't she have a boy friend yet? There's clearly something wrong."
I started to go to doctors for my depression and anxiety when I started cutting myself. Once they found out about my paranoid schizophrenic uncle, they all believed that I was one too. I have no symptoms. No hallucinations, no voices, no outlandish ideas, no paranoid thoughts, nothing at all suggesting schizophrenia, and they all insisted I go see a therapist.
As the time went on, I later suffered a stroke at age 23 and found out I had many heart defects from child hood. In the year 2010, depression was more widely known and accepted, and I am now finally getting treatment for my depression and anxiety. My therapist saids that despite my uncle, I show no symptoms for paranoid schizophrenia and it is just depression. I however, am a hypochondriac, and mixed with my anxiety, this could be bad. Once I learned of the symptoms recently, I began to think that every sound I heard could be my mind. Or that the reason why I still play my fathers' video games is because I enjoy staying in the past. The reason why I believe in ghost's is because I actually believe in something that isn't real.
Basically, I'm freaking out, and I'm scared of becoming a paranoid schizophrenic. I've been told that I am my entire life, and I think I'm starting to believe it. I know it's just the anxiety talking, because I've actually fainted in fear many times. But I'm having problems believing that it was just my abusive, overbearing mother who planted those thoughts in the first place.
My anger has long since gone by the way, and it takes A LOT to get me upset. Many things have changed since I was young, and I've gone through many experiences and met many dear people who remain my friends to this day. I've never had so much support in my life, and I am definatly not the same person who I used to be. So far, I'm enjoying this journey through life...I just wish I wasn't scared while traveling down it.
By:
Violentkitties
Age:
22-25
,
Female
