I Don't Deserve It
I'm not writing this for anyone's pity, I'm writing it because it's simply the truth. Even though I want to be happy, GENUINELY happy, every time I get close to feeling so, I get plagued with memories of how I've caused my loved ones so much pain with all of the stupid things I've done to screw my life up over the years. Immediately, my true happy feeling goes away and I'm back to being depressed, and even though I hate this, I can't say I don't deserve it, because I do. Why should I be happy when I've made those around me so miserable? I abuse alcohol and substances sometimes for a "happy" feeling I know is really fake, an illusion of the real thing because I'm too afraid to just let go and be genuinely happy like everyone else. Deep down, I really want to feel happy like the rest of my family and friends without having flashbacks of all the times I caused pain to someone else, I just don't know how. I feel like, until I accomplish many major successes in life and make up for the disappointment both my family and friends have felt in me throwing my life away, I won't ever truly be happy nor at peace.