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I Don't Deserve It

I'm not writing this for anyone's pity, I'm writing it because it's simply the truth. Even though I want to be happy, GENUINELY happy, every time I get close to feeling so, I get plagued with memories of how I've caused my loved ones so much pain with all of the stupid things I've done to screw my life up over the years. Immediately, my true happy feeling goes away and I'm back to being depressed, and even though I hate this, I can't say I don't deserve it, because I do. Why should I be happy when I've made those around me so miserable? I abuse alcohol and substances sometimes for a "happy" feeling I know is really fake, an illusion of the real thing because I'm too afraid to just let go and be genuinely happy like everyone else. Deep down, I really want to feel happy like the rest of my family and friends without having flashbacks of all the times I caused pain to someone else, I just don't know how. I feel like, until I accomplish many major successes in life and make up for the disappointment both my family and friends have felt in me throwing my life away, I won't ever truly be happy nor at peace.
deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Mar 25, 2012

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Please do not take this the wrong way-however some therapy may be useful to you. I suggest somewhere in the past you hit negative things and had negative thoughts!

In other words you're living your life to please ppl<br />
<br />
So if some ppl never forgives you, you'll never get happy?<br />
<br />
You give ppl so much power as to let them determine your happiness? <br />
<br />
Wow

In other words you're living your life to please ppl<br />
<br />
So if some ppl never forgives you, you'll never get happy?<br />
<br />
You give ppl so much power as to let them determine your happiness? <br />
<br />
Wow

If there is anyone you should live to please it's God and no one else it's God that brought you thru, yeah your family was there for you but where would you be if God had not given you mercy?