I Need To Remind Myself, Sometimes, That Hurting Is Normal And Okay.

This doesn't afflict me too too much.  I have to admit, though, that I'm someone who doesn't push his boundaries too often, unless I really have to, in terms of being really social.  It goes back to when I was a kid, and being shunned at school for being different.  Well, it isn't quite that simple.  After a long recovery from a traffic accident when I was seven, my old classmates found me quite transformed from the kid I'd been before the accident, didn't know how to deal with it, and either pushed me away or pushed me around.  Although I was eventually accepted again, over the years I found myself the brunt of teasing and ridicule time and again at school, basically being on the outside looking in.  I came to accept that's how things were going to be, and learned to do things by myself.

Now, all that was a long time ago.  And maybe that's really just the kind of person I am, based on my horoscope, genetics, or who knows what else -- I don't buy into outside forces affecting me that much.  What has remained is my cycle of isolating myself, for fear of not being accepted for who I am, of not being a worthwhile person . . . whatever that means. 

Funny, you know?  I accept myself for who I am.  Sure there's room for improvement, there always is.  But, by and large, I'm living the dream as much as I can every day.  That means being a nice guy, helping where I can, minding my own business, and being good to myself and those people who are important to me.  Despite all that, I still, somehow, end up measuring myself by how much I expect other people -- complete strangers whom I'll probably not meet again -- to like or dislike me.  Man, I'm hard on myself, aren't I?  Like, who cares about that?  If I'm just myself, people will appreciate the good things about me, regardless of how much they (think they) know me.

I am a natural actor and a writer.  When I engage in these things I can really flourish.  When I don't I'm just myself.  I'm also a dreamer, and I don't know if that helps me flourish, although I can spend a good deal of time in thoughts and fantasy.  Sometimes it gets to be too obsessive, and I have to learn to temper that.  A bit of dreaming, and dreaming big, is healthy, right?  But spending too much time there isn't?  I never get hurt in my daydreams, though.  Man, now that I think about it, I've spent many a happy hour, over the years, in my daydreams.  Is that how it is with everyone? 

There comes a point where trying too hard to avoid pain isn't good, either.  Experiencing pain is as normal a part of everyone's life as breathing.  I've known and acknowledged that my entire life, I'm sure.  I just have to remind myself now and then.
UnderEli UnderEli
46-50, M
1 Response Jul 23, 2010

Your story is truly inspiring. If you could see the person behind the writing of this you would have no self doubts at all. Thank you for such a great write.