Too Many Deaths, Not Enough Heart.

I am feeling a bit gloomy right now thinking about some loved ones of mine that have passed a year and more ago.  I understand that death has to happen.  I understand that it is part of life.  But still, every now and then when a minute stands still and seems like an hour, I drift off in thoughts of seeing them lying in their casket and not breathing.  I thing I hate about going to funeral services is that I see the person lying there and am expecting them to breath.  To see their stomach inflate with air as a gesture of breathing and of life.  When I go to funerals, I am okay until I see them in there.  It scares me.  Sometimes, I close my eyes and think of them coming out as if they are still alive and walking towards me to hug me.  Some days, I am alright and having a great joy.  But then, I get a moment of feeling overwhelmed by gloom and grieving, and start thinking of how they are doing wherever they are.  It is hard to lose someone, but, it hurts so much.  I cling to my fiance and brother and other loved ones still alive spiritually hoping that they are alright.
hobbitt192002 hobbitt192002
26-30, F
1 Response Jul 17, 2007

I know the feeling, what is happening is you are questioning your own mortality. I am too, I have recently lost my grandad to his disability and respiratory problems as well as losing my uncle (his son) to a brain anyeurism 2 years prior.

I dont know much to say to make it any easier for you, but I really dont think worrying over deaths the best thing. Maybe you could see if there is an underlying phobia you have with death and get it sorted via a counsellor? Reading some books on it may help too, even turning to religion might.

Good luck xxx