This Is Not How I Thought Things Would Be

when i'm laid in bed and i can't sleep, i'll run through my thoughts, but at the same time i'll take a step back from my life and look at myself and everything that makes me... well... me.... You know what i conclude everytime? That i'm nothing that i actually want to be, and that i'm actually ashamed of the person that i am.


The worst thing about all of this is that if i'm honest, i've known this for a while, but i've been in denial about it for a long time. I'm only 23, but i knew back when i was at the fork in the road that choosing the quickest easiest path wasn't going to lead to the best place, but i still choose it blindly, telling myself that it wouldn't happen to me... and you know what? It did.... well technically nothing has happend yet, but i sit hear writing this knowing that time is running out and the preassure is begining to build. Everything is close to coming to a head.

One thing that saddens me is that one of the bigger problems that i have right now that is weighing down on my shoulders has been created out of fear, or more presicely, my inability to confront that fear. I've spent my whole life in fear and running away from that fear. Sometimes i'll just sit and dream of a tomorrow where i have no worries and i'm my own person.

I still have a chance to make everything right, and to make everything the way it should of been, but it's all in my hands and the gate is shutting.

Sometimes i feel like my ambitions far outweighed my talent, but i pray that i can pull it off, and i promise right here to myself and god that i will never go back.

83564q 83564q
1 Response Mar 16, 2009

I also spent years running away from my fears and I was happy for sometime but only breifly, it wasn't until I faced my fears and stood my ground and went head on into my problems that I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and no matter how difficult times were for me I always think that the things I faced made me a bigger person and more of a man and my life has become easier and more enjoyable.