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How To Trust Again....

HI! MY NAME IS ARCHIE. IF YOU'VE READ SOME OF MY OTHER STORIES, YOU'LD KNOW I WAS RAISED IN A VERY ABUSIVE FAMILY. I CERTIANLY HAD TRUST ISSUES. DO I DEAR TRUST SOMEONE WITH MY HEART, KNOWING THEY COULD DESTROY MY VERY SOUL?
   AS A TEENAGER I WOULDN'T ALLOW ANYONE INTO MY HEART. I PUT UP A WALL TO KEEP EVERYONE OUT, SO NO ONE COULD HURT ME AS MY FAMILY DID.
THEN I MET MY FOSTER MOTHER, SALLY. THOUGH I WAS A VERY REBELIOUS TEEN, COMING IN ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT, DRUNK &/ OR STONED. SHE KNEW I WAS FULL OF PAIN, HATE & ANGER. EVEN STILL, WITH ALL I PUT HER THRU, SHE LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY. SHE BROKE THRU THE WALL PROTECTING MY HEART & I GAINED MUCH LOVE & RESPECT FOR HER. I ENJOYED THE BRIEF YRS WE HAD KNOWN EACH OTHER. SHE HAD TAKEN ME INTO HER HOME IN THE MID 80's. SHE HAD PASSED AWAY IN '92, OF KIDNEY FAILURE. BEFORE SHE DIED SHE ASKED ME WHAT WAS IT THAT I WANTED HER TO GIVE ME. I TOLD HER SHE HAD GIVEN ME ALL I HAD WANTED, HER LOVE, & THAT I WOULD ALWAYS CHEERISH THE MEMORIES. I WAS NOT INTERESTED IN ANY MATERIAL THINGS. LIKE I TOLD HER, NO ONE CAN STEAL MY MEMORIES. GOD REALLY BLESSED MY LIFE THRU HER. SHE TAUGHT ME IT WAS OKAY TO LOVE.
 BUT, TO FIND OR ALLOW THE INTAMATE (I'M NOT GOOD AT SPELLING.) LOVE OF A WOMAN WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO TRUST ANYONE. I COULDN'T ALLOW ANYONE THAT CLOSE & BECOME THAT VUNERABLE. THAT'S WHY IT HAD ALWAYS BEEN STRICTLY SEXUAL.
  WELL, IN JUNE OF '94, I HAD GONE TO MY BABY SISTER'S WEDDING IN NEW HAMSHIRE. AFTER THE WEDDING I HAD GONE UP TO NORNERN MAINE TO VISIT WITH MY PARENTS & RELATIVES. 
  ONE DAY I HAPPENED TO MEET A FRIEND OF ONE OF MY OTHER SISTERS. WE HAD SEEMED TO HAVE HIT IT OFF. WHEN I RETURNED TO TEXAS, THIS LADY & I WOULD TALK ON THE PHONE EVERY DAY & ALL NIGHT LONG. MOSTLY HAVING PHONE SEX. I THOUGHT I WAS IN LOVE. WHEN ACTUALLY, I WAS BEING DRIVEN BY LUST.
  IN OCT. I FINISHED WITH A JOB I WAS DOING. I COMPLETELY RESTORED A HOUSE TRAILER THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN TORN DOWN. (IT LOOKED REALLY NICE WHEN I WAS THRU. I WISH I HAD TAKEN BEFORE & AFTER PICTURES.) SHORTLY BEFORE FINISHING UP WITH THE TRAILER, I A BOUGHT AN EXTENTED VAN (WITH THE INTENT OF CONVERTING IT INTO A MOTOR HOME.). SINCE I HAD DECIDED I WAS RETURNING TO MAINE, I CHOSE NOT TO REGISTER OR INSURE THE VAN. I DID NOT WANT TO DO IT IN TEXAS, THEN TURN AROUND & DO IT AGAIN IN MAINE, THEREFORE WASTING MONEY. I DID, HOWEVER, GET IT INSPECTED. (I DON'T KNOW WHY - NOW - THAT IT SEEMED IMPORTANT AT THE TIME.) I PURCHASED ANOTHER TIRE & RIM, SO I HAD 2 SPARE TIRES. I PACKED THE VAN & LEFT.
  IT WAS 3 pm ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON WHEN I LEFT. I DROVE THE REST OF THE DAY & ALL NIGHT, ONLY STOPPING FOR GAS, AT WHICH TIME I WOULD USE THE BATH ROOM. I MADE NO OTHER PIT STOPS (I ONLY USED THE BATH RM WHEN I STOPPED FOR GAS.) THAT NIGHT I PULLED OVER IN A REST AREA & SLEPT FOR HALF AN HOUR. THEN I GOT BACK ON THE ROAD, WITH THE SAME ROUTINE. DRIVING ALL DAY & ALL NIGHT. I DID STOP & SLEPT 1 HOUR SATURDAY NIGHT. THEN I GOT BACK ON THE ROAD.
   ON SUNDAY MORNING I WAS IN MASSACHUETTES, WHEN I HAD PULLED OFF THE INNER STATE TO GET GAS & I BOUGHT A BREAKFAST SANDWICH.
  WHEN I WAS GETTING BACK ON THE INNER STATE, I LOOKED & THERE WAS NO TRAFFIC COMING. I PROCEEDED ON THE INNER STATE. THERE WERE 2 STATE TROOPERS PARKED IN THE MEDIUM (THE SPACE BETWEEN THE NORTH & SOUTH LANES.) THEY PULLED IN BEHIND ME & PULLED ME OVER. I HAD LONG HAIR & THEY PROBABLY THOUGHT I WAS A HIPPY. A POT SMOKER, &/ OR, THINKING I MIGHT OF HAD SOME DRUGS. THEY TOLD ME I HAD SWERVED WHEN I GOT ONTO THE INNER STATE. I TOLD THEM I DIDN'T NOTICE, THAT I WAS EATING A BREAKFAST SANDWICH & THAT I HADN'T SEEN ANY TRAFFIC COMING.
   I WAS ASKED TO SHOW MY LISCIENCE & REGISTRATION. OF COURSE, I HAD NO REGISTRATION. I HANDED HIM MY LISCIENCE & A FAKE INSURANCE CARD. MY DRINKING BUDDY AT THE TIME, HIS WIFE WORKED FOR AN INSURANCE COMPANY & SHE PRINTED ME OUT A CARD. WHICH WAS NOT VALID IN AN ACCIDENT, IT WAS JUST TO PRESENT TO A COP IF I GOT PULLED OVER.
  I WAS ASKED IF THEY HAD PERMISSION TO SEARCH THE VAN. HAVING NOTHING TO HIDE, I GRANTED THEM PERMISSION. WHILE GETTING OUT OF THE VAN, I WIPED THE BREAD CRUMS OFF MY SHIRT, WHICH WAS PROOF I REALLY WAS EATING A BREAKFAST SANDWICH.
  I WAS TAKEN BEHIND THE VAN, WHILE THE OTHER STATE TROOPER CLIMBED INTO THE VAN. THE ONE STANDING NEXT TO ME HAD ASKED ME WHERE I WAS GOING. I TOLD HIM OF METTING THIS GIRL & MOVING TO MAINE, FROM TEXAS, TO BE WITH HER. AS WE SPOKE, HE HAPPENED TO LOOK AT MY LISCIENCE PLATE, WHICH WAS PAPER, A DEALER'S PLATE. HE HAD ASKED ME WHEN DID THE PLATE RUN OUT. I TOLD HIM, "I DON'T KNOW." HE SAID, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW?" AT WHICH I TOLD HIM, "I BORROWED IT FROM A FRIEND." (MY DRINKING BUDDY.) HE SAID, "YOU MEAN TO TELL ME, THIS VEHICLE IS NOT REGISTERED?" I SAIN. "NO." HE GOES "& WHERE ARE YOU HEADING AGAIN?" I REPEATED THAT I WAS GOING TO MAINE TO BE WITH A GIRL I HAD MET. HE SAID, "YOU'RE IN ENOUGH TROUBLE ALREADY." I DIDN'T KNOW IF HE WAS PLANNING ON ARRESTING ME.
  AT ABOUT THAT TIME, THE TROOPER WHO WAS IN THE VAN CAME OUT & SAID, "NICE COLLECTION OF RECORDS YOU HAVE IN THERE." I TOLD HIM, "THANKS. I HAD BOUGHT THEM AT A YARD SALE FOR A BUCK A PIECE." THERE WERE 61 COUNTRY & WESTERN 33's. (THE GOOD OLD STUFF.)
  THEN, THE ONE WHO ASKED ME ABOUT THE LISCENCE PLATE SAYS, "WELL, I GUESS WE'RE THROUGH HERE." I FELT A SIGH OF RELIEF GO THRU MY BODY.
  I GOT BACK ON THE ROAD & KEPT DRIVING. BY THE TIME I REACHED NEW HAMPSHIRE, I WAS EXHUASTED. IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO KEEP MY EYES OPEN & I NOTICED I WAS SWERVING ON THE ROAD. SO I PULLED INTO A REST AREA TO GET SOME SLEEP, BEFORE I CAUSED A CRASHED & AN ACCIDENT. 
 I HAD AWOKEN FROM MY SLEEP. WHEN I OPENED MY EYES I WAS LOOKING UP, OUT OF THE DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW, AT THE BLUE SKY. I COULD HEAR SOME PEOPLE TALKING. NOT REMEMBERING I HAD STOPPED TO SLEEP AT THE TIME. WITH THE POSITION I WAS IN, I THOUGHT I HAD BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT. I STOPPED TO SENSE IF I FELT ANY PAIN. NOT FEELING ANY, I WASN'T WORRIED & FELL BACK ASLEEP. I SLEPT FOR AN HOUR & A HALF, THEN I CONTINUED ON TO NORTHERN MAINE.
  IT WAS AROUND 7 OR 8 pm WHEN I REACH HER HOUSE. I WAS DEAD TIRED. I HAD DROVE 3,000 OR 3,500 MILES, PRETTY MUCH STRAIGHT THRU. SHE WANTED TO HAVE SEX, HAVING WAITED ALL THIS TIME. I JUST WANTED TO LAY DOWN & GO TO SLEEP. THE NEXT DAY, WITH MY BACK HURTING FROM THE LONG RIDE & SITTING THE WHOLE WAY, I HAD HER GET ON TOP.
  SINCE SHE HAD 3 CHILDREN, 2 BOYS & A GIRL, MY PLAN WAS FOR US TO BECOME A FAMILY. WHICH TO ME MEANT NO MORE DRINKING & SMOKING POT. (SHE SMOKED.) THAT DIDN'T LAST LONG, AS IT CRAMPED HER LIFESTYLE. SO WE QUICKLY BROKE UP (AFTER 3 WEEKS) & IN JANUARY I RETURNED TO TEXAS. (STOPPING IN MARYLAND ALONG THE WAY -- THAT'S IN ANOTHER STORY.) 
  IT HAD REALLY HURT ME THAT THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT. I EXPECTED HER TO CHANGE & IT WAS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I HAVE NOT BEEN WITH ANYONE SINCE. THE TROOPER WAS RIGHT, I WAS ALREADY IN TROUBLE.
  I KNOW IT'S BEEN ANOTHER ONE OF MY LONG-WINDED ACCOUNTS, BUT I WANTED EVERYONE TO KNOW HOW IT STARTED & HOW IT ENDED.
   IN AUGUST OF 2009, TIRED OF BEING ALONE & LONELY, DESIRING TO HAVE A FEMALE COMPANION, TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH, I BEGAN SEEKING FOR A WIFE. BEING ATTRACTED TO ASIANS, I GOT ON A NUMBER OF FREE ASIAN SINGLES' SITES. TRYING TO FIND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, TO BECOME MY WIFE. I MUST HAVE VIEWED NEARLY A MILLION PROFILES, IF NOT MORE, OR SO IT SEEMS, NEVER FINDING ANYONE. MOST WERE ONLY AFTER MONEY. AN ELDERLY LADY FRIEND TELLS ME I'M TOO PICKY. I TELL HER, "I CAN'T JUST TRUST ANYONE WITH MY HEART." I GAVE UP ON THOSE DATING SITES. I NO LONGER GO TO ANY OF THEM. I'M STILL HOPING & PRAYING GOD WILL BLESS ME WITH SOMEONE. SOMEONE WHO IS TENDER & COMPASSIONATE & A CHRISTIAN.
  WELL, I'LD BETTER STOP, BEFORE THIS STORY BECOMES A BOOK. THANKS FOR READING. BLESSING TO ALL. ... OH, ONE MORE THING, WHILE I TRAVELED ALL THOSE MILES, FROM TEXAS TO MAINE, THE VAN'S SPEED OMITER WAS BROKEN, WHICH CAUSED A HAIR RISING ESPERIENCE WITH ANTHER STATE TROOPER IN WEST VIRGINIA. (THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.)    
LITTLEBOYINSIDE LITTLEBOYINSIDE 41-45, M 3 Responses Apr 6, 2012

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hey..goodluck for you..i read your story i think its not the end of the world for you to find the right girl..yeah trust is too verry hard to comeback once you you lost for the first time and most especially now..<br />
hmm if you want i will tell you some dating site but still theres still a lot of fake people there..<br />
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best regards and best wishes for you...goodluck for looking someone just be patience :)

HI! THANKS FOR READING MY STORY &amp; FOR LEAVING YOUR COMMENT. BEING A TENDER HEARTED, COMPASSIONATE CHRISTIAN, I WOULDN'T WANT TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS. I BELIEVE 2 PEOPLE WHO ARE JOINED TOGETHER SHOULD SHARE THE SAME FAITH. I SEE YOU DON'T AGREE WITH THAT &amp; EVERYONE IS ENTITTLED TO THEIR OWN VIEWS.<br />
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WELCOME ON THIS SITE. I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOURSELF &amp; MAKE LOTS OF FRIENDS. THERE'S QUITE A DIVERSITY OF POEPLE ON HERE. THEY COME IN ALL FLAVORES. HAVE FUN!!

Hi, this is my first day on here, thanks for sharing your story. I believe that honesty essentially builds up humans and it is what all the wonders of the world are ba<x>sed on. If an individual doesn't pay much attention to the world around them, they are probably more forgiving. The way that you have described your situation, sounds as if you seek for the truth in everything, because it "has to be there". Mabye you could try removing the "tender, compassionate, christian" catagories and open your heart to anyone, no exceptions. I hope you do find someone that you can be open with, we all deserve it! :)