I Feel Nothing

I have had 25 boyfriends... and Im almost 25
Most were bad
Some were ok...
None were good
I feel in love with one
Who basically tore up my fragile mental stability
Just because he wanted to prove a point
I have been raped, abused, assaulted
Used for sex or for convenience
I have made myself so busy not to think about any of it
I have many sleepless nights
I came from a somewhat abusive and neglectful family
No one ever really noticed me
I was in a car accident and should have died, i didnt want anyone to help me
I dont believe i can have kids, one of my ovaries died, the next one is scheduled to die (i think)
I have many scars, and gone through many surgeries and therapy
My beauty is just temporary and i can only see it when my mood is extremely elevated
I dont trust people, and when i do, i feel like they have power over me
I suppressed my emotions for so long i just dont know how to express them in a non-professional setting
Perfection is a must, order and control is a must, anything else is chaos
I dont feel a part of a family or attached to one...if i lost them i wouldnt feel anything, never felt like i knew them
Emotions seem pointless to me,
And even now that i am single again
I still feel nothing
I feel no pain, no remorse, no anger, no grief,
I feel nothing for myself

yet...
I feel everything for those around me...

I sometimes wonder if i hate myself...
MaskedAngel16 MaskedAngel16
22-25, F
May 13, 2012