Losing Hope

The first relationship I had was in the eighth grade. It was also the first time I got cheated on, and would not be the last. Nothing makes me feel lower than being betrayed by someone who I have invested my trust and time and effort into, and it has happened many times so I am feeling quite low at this time in my life.

My next serious relationship was a nightmare. I was fifteen and very vulnerable. This boy I was with tricked me into trusting and "loving" him. He was all I thought about and I thought that he genuinely cared about me, but of course as us women have all figured out by now, boys at that age are mainly interested in one thing, and will do and say what ever it takes to get that one thing. I was not ready for that physical of a relationship yet, and soon after I had notified this to my boyfriend, he cheated on me. He begged for me not to leave him and told me he made a horrible mistake and that he loved me more than anything. I wanted to believe this so desperately that I did. In fear of him straying again I told him that I loved him and knew I would be ready to lose my virginity to him very soon, and kept saying that everytime he asked. This did not work as I had planned for he became impatient and found loving elsewhere a couple more times while I was with him. I finally broke it off with him even though for reasons beyond my grasp now, I badly wanted to stay.
Unforturnately, I was stupid enough to take him back a few times after this, hoping that now that he was older, he had changed his ways. I was disappointed every time as he cheated again and again. Maybe it was stupidity, but then again maybe it was some form of love I felt for him.

Anyway, I gave up on guys for a while, rejecting anyone who so much as asked me on a date. I decided I never wanted to have sex, for I thought it caused men to be dishonest and was the reason they pretend to have feelings for women. After a year and a bit of this mentality, my current boyfriend and I started dating. I told him of my concerns and terrible experiences with men. He assured me that he would never do anything to hurt me and that I could trust him completely. He was a friend of mine before we started dating and this made me feel more comfortable, and eventually to my surprise I did trust him. He told me he loved me, and though I felt unsure of this, I let him take my virginity. I wish I hadn't. I wish that I saved it for someone who actually had feelings for something other than my vagina, or even just never had sex like I wanted. My boyfriend has been unfaithful to me, not in a physical way but unfaithful none the less. He was looking around for other girls and flirting with women on dating sites all while he was telling me he loved me and I could trust him. I only recently found this out and we have been dating for a year and a half now. It hurt me very much, and I am losing hope in relationships.

I feel stuck. I love him so much. I don't want to make the same mistakes...but I want things to work. I am so devastated and scared. I wish I could forget.
PlasterShell PlasterShell
Nov 21, 2012