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Shattered

Almost 10 years ago I fell in love with a guy that I met online. We talked endlessly day in and out for months and I was truly happy for the first time in my life. He lived on the west coast and I live in the midwest. He came to see me for 10 days and everything was wonderful. I never wanted him to leave but he has kids and a life where he was so he had to go back home and it was hard for both of us to part but he promised me that he would be back and he walked away with my heart in his hands. Everything was great for the first couple of months and then he came clean and told me that his kids mother had just had his son and a lot of other things that left me reeling. I didn't care about any of it I just wanted to be with him no matter what. I had gotten a taste of happiness and nothing else mattered but having that feeling again. We planned on me moving near him so that we could be together and that's really when things started to fall apart. He began verbally abusing me and treating me like total crap. He was going out with other girls and when the time came for me to go there he told me not to come. I was shattered and unequipped to deal with any of it. I started falling into depression fast. I became afraid to leave my house..I stopped talking to my family & friends. I ate everything in sight because it was the only thing that comforted me. No words or actions that anyone took helped me. I attempted to end my life twice. First by taking sleeping pills and when that didn't work I attempted to slit my wrists. Each time I failed and I realized that even though I cried all day long and felt horrible somewhere deep inside I wanted to live. This depression lasted for 6 yrs. until I decided that I was the only one that had the power to fight my way out of the cavern I had been living in, so I began to work on it and it was so very difficult to love myself again. I had to look at myself in the mirror everyday and tell myself that I was worth everything and I was important even if I was only important to myself. It took another couple of years for me to get over him completely and I can say at this time I have no desire to ever be with him again but I am still so afraid to let someone else in that I lose out on opportunities that could be good for me. How do I get past the fear and find someone new without always thinking that every person who shows interest in me is just out to hurt me?
XxRiaxX XxRiaxX 36-40, F 3 Responses Dec 18, 2012

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Thankyou for sharing your story. Im sorry but I am glad you got out of that relationship. If he was verbally abusing you and treating you like crap then he doesn't deserve you. It is hard to get back into the dating scene again but just be strong, open your heart and go with your gut feeling you only live once. Good luck and be safe

Hi, Im very sorry this happened to u, or happens at all to anyone. I have been thru a similar experience But I was the married male and she knew I was married right from the start. ( Something HE should have told u!) But sometimes we want things so bad that we lie to get them, (I am not excusing him) U look like a pretty, desirable woman. And know that God loves U! Why he let this happen I cannot say. After my experience I am more cautious too, As to how we can be sure if someone is lying to us, They only foolproof way I know of is a 'lie detector" test. Seach on google " how to tell if someone is lying" and there is software u can put on ur computer to detect lies, But an old wives tale is "If it seems too good to be true it usually is too good to be true" and "Think with ur head not ur heart. As when I thought with my heart, thats when I was betrayed. GOOD LUCK
powerman31222

Well he's not married and I know that for sure because his kid's mom told me that when she found my pictures and stuff on his computer. She reached out to me to find out what the deal was, and she explained to me that he had done this to several different women. That's really sad to know. I know that I am over him I think it's the happiness I felt that scares me more than anything. I think I purposely sabotage myself because I never want to feel that and lose it again.

when i played basketball i would miss a shot super bad and had no desire to play again. my coach would come up to me and say keep shooting. and eventually i would end up with 15-20 pts by the end of the game because i just keep going.

what i am saying is dont let the fear of getting hurt again outweigh your wanting to be happy. i know you wanted that relationship to work but you cannot let that affect your future. you seem as tho you are a nice person. so dont let anything get i the way of you being happy

Thank you for your reply it's uplifting. I am going to try to open myself up even though I know it will be challenging I believe I can do it.