ShatteredAlmost 10 years ago I fell in love with a guy that I met online. We talked endlessly day in and out for months and I was truly happy for the first time in my life. He lived on the west coast and I live in the midwest. He came to see me for 10 days and everything was wonderful. I never wanted him to leave but he has kids and a life where he was so he had to go back home and it was hard for both of us to part but he promised me that he would be back and he walked away with my heart in his hands. Everything was great for the first couple of months and then he came clean and told me that his kids mother had just had his son and a lot of other things that left me reeling. I didn't care about any of it I just wanted to be with him no matter what. I had gotten a taste of happiness and nothing else mattered but having that feeling again. We planned on me moving near him so that we could be together and that's really when things started to fall apart. He began verbally abusing me and treating me like total crap. He was going out with other girls and when the time came for me to go there he told me not to come. I was shattered and unequipped to deal with any of it. I started falling into depression fast. I became afraid to leave my house..I stopped talking to my family & friends. I ate everything in sight because it was the only thing that comforted me. No words or actions that anyone took helped me. I attempted to end my life twice. First by taking sleeping pills and when that didn't work I attempted to slit my wrists. Each time I failed and I realized that even though I cried all day long and felt horrible somewhere deep inside I wanted to live. This depression lasted for 6 yrs. until I decided that I was the only one that had the power to fight my way out of the cavern I had been living in, so I began to work on it and it was so very difficult to love myself again. I had to look at myself in the mirror everyday and tell myself that I was worth everything and I was important even if I was only important to myself. It took another couple of years for me to get over him completely and I can say at this time I have no desire to ever be with him again but I am still so afraid to let someone else in that I lose out on opportunities that could be good for me. How do I get past the fear and find someone new without always thinking that every person who shows interest in me is just out to hurt me?
XxRiaxX 36-40, F 3 Responses 0 Dec 18, 2012