The Life I Didn't Choose

my dad was physically abusive when I was younger. I was the tough one out of my 3 sisters and I. I tried to defend them but I would get hurt to, and not be allowed to go to school because of my bruises.. On Sunday mornings, we went to church. My sisters and I would sit in the back seat for the 20 minute car ride. We were not allowed to talk. Being kids, we couldn't help ourselves. My dad would count. every time he went up in numbers, thats how many times he was going to hit us. When we got home from church. he would lay us all face down on one of our beds. My sisters and I would hold hands as he went down the line hitting us. when my little sister was getting hit. she would always squeeze my hand and look at me in the eyes while I watched her cry. I hate these memories. It makes me on constant guard. I have a hard time trusting in relationships. I don't want to marry a man that would hurt my kids.. I don't want someone to hurt me again.

sindayla sindayla
18-21, F
3 Responses Apr 24, 2009

This is sad, I hate reading it. I just got out of a relationship with a lady that had the same experience. Her past experience with her father and with other men destroyed our friendship. No matter how nice of a person I am, she does not trust men. Give men a chance but, don't let your guard down. I was raised by a women and my mom seemed to keep the creepers around and shove off the nice guys. I never understood it.

Sharing this is part of your healing.. and I hope your sisters are able or are seeking help for their healing as well. I never really understand the need to make others suffer through deliberation. where was your mother or extended family during this traumatic time in your life? Fear not the unknown for it will bring you great joy for having suffered as you have I believe that your time has changed.. you deserve life to be what you want it to be .. you are now your own creator.You are still very young so I don't know if this has continued or not but you write in the past tense..? Look at life as being a journey for whatever reason this happened.. which I can't begin to explain the human mind at times.. you can change it's flow any time you wish.. Good luck in the future and remember that you can be whatever you choose to be.

Sorry you had to go through this. Are you getting help?<br />
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Trust that what goes around, comes around.<br />
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Till then, have faith that the right man will come along. Nobody wants to intentionally get hurt. You just have to be on guard without being paranoid. And know when to say "no". If the right man comes along, he'll understand and help you through things. If not, then send him packing.<br />
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But don't avoid the garden because you're scared of bees.