Scared & Confused About Having This Baby

Currently, I'm about 8 weeks pregnant.  My due date is Dec.21, 2012 which is the end of the Mayan calendar, aka Apocalypse, or the End of the World.  Whether or not this all will even occur is not my concern.  It's the symbolism which is f**king with me.   My pregnancy was not planned, I never really intended to have children and part of me feels like my boyfriend did this to me with full intention of getting me pregnant.  I've been with him for less than a year, and the relationship is quarrelsome and unstable.  I'm 34 years old, and feel like I should be more established with my career.  I've lived a reckless kind of wild life and am greatly uncertain of what kind of life I could possibly provide for another human being.  My boyfriend vows to take care of me and the baby, but I find myself pushing him away more and more.  Despite all his promises to change completely, he's as unreliable as me and I would be taking a blind leap of faith.  I'm more fond of my dog than I am of him (she IS my best friend).  I had an ultrasound last week where I saw the baby's beating heart, which made me change my mind about terminating the pregnancy.  However, the longer I think about it, I start to wonder if I really do have what it takes to be so caring, so loving, so giving.  I highly doubt I can be that sacrificial.  Perhaps if I were more established in my career as an artist with abundant money in the bank, I'd feel more at ease with caring for this baby.  I'm scared of bringing this baby into a dysfunctional family dynamic.  I'd want to BE my best and provide nothing but the best, and I honestly am unsure if I am capable of accomplishing this- here and now.
PhoenixDream PhoenixDream
1 Response May 14, 2012

Don't doubt yourself. The fact that seeing the baby's beating heart made you not want to terminate shows that you love him already. And as a mother of four children I can tell you that love is really all your baby will need from you. Whether you are poor and can't give your child many toys, as my parents were, or have money and give them too many toys, as I probably did, what really makes the child happy and healthy is a parent (or two if possible) who loves him no matter what. Don't ever worry about where your career is because if you love your child it won't matter to him.