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MIXED Feelings...

There are times when I have mixed feelings when I discover that I will be happiest staying. On some level, it means recommitting to a relationship that is too good to leave under the conditions, but I'm also afraid of settling for sharing him, which is clearly unsatisfactory enough to make me ambivalent about it

So I feel intimidated at the thought of staying but to me it's important to understand what I'm feeling. It's not that I'm saying I made a mistake falling inlove with him, it's just I've discover that I'm happiest when I'm with him. I know it's a natural response any of us have in facing a difficult task. It's the way of acknowledging the fact that our ambivalence has allowed us to avoid dealing with some of the problems in our relationships. That's one of the things that made ambivalence so insidiously attractive: It gets you off the hook.

But all this really means is that you have your work cut out for you: I know he loves me and this is all part of the process, but I can't help thinking I'll be disappointed. I wish I could just let go of these insecure feelings, and surround myself with the feeling that really matters. I wish we could just conquer the mess or push away the difficulties but still honoring the experience and put it behind me once and for all. If only I can be free to be receptive to the joy, pleasures and love we have. I'm so afraid of loosing him it effect our relationship. Maybe it's for the best to test how strong we truly feel about each other, it may not be romantic, but being fair and practical in this case can help alleviate suspicions and avoid mind games. I am up for it, I truly love him, that's something that will never change, but knowing his still married kills me. I want all of him, but settle to share because I'm afraid of loosing him.

Friendlybabe Friendlybabe 31-35, F Apr 25, 2008

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