My Girlfriend.......... Should I Be Worried? Advice Please.
Ok. I hope someone can relate to this or at least give me an idea of what I can expect from this. So without any further delay Here is my story.
Ok. disclaimer please read before continuing to the story. Before anyone who reads this gets a forgone conlclusion, please know I love this woman very much and very deeply.
This all started about 3 years ago. ( I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years now) This started when I was diagnosed with having a slipped disc in my lower back an injury which I had suffered from working. I was prescibed some anti inflammitory medications as well as pain medications for the swelling of my injured disc. Well, about 3 months into the treatment I had noticed my sex drive and my libido was severly suffering almost to te point of being non exsistant. So my girlfriend (let's call her Amy- not her real name-) had approached me and said "Baby you know I love you very much and I am risking everything I have with you by asking you this but I know you aren't up to having sex with me and I understand but as you know I need sex I am a very sexual person and I need the touch of a man. Can I please have your permission to seek sex from a surrogate lover?" Well needless to say I was shocked and apalled by this. But I got to thinking. I love amy with all my heart and I want her to be the happiest woman in the world with me and if I can give her this gift of sex then maybe it will make us stronger in the long run. So I reluctantly agreed. Now I know that some of you reading this might find this a little unorthodox to sat the least. So when I agreed to letting her have other sexual partners she looked me in the eyes and told me "baby you know that you are the only man for me but I as you know have an insatiable appetite for sex ." Then she held my hand and looked me in the eyes once more and said " I as you know have told you things in the past about myself and us that you would have never know otherwise but because I love you I want you to know this, I can differentiate between love and sex. I love you baby, but I need sex and since you cannot provide that for me right now I took it upon myself you risk itall and ask your permission. I could have just gone out and done it without you knowing and because we work such different hours you would have never known about this. But I felt that you had the right to know. I want you to trust me and know that I love you very much and that is why I wanted to ask. And I thank you for being understanding and saying yes. Thank you so much baby. I grinned and shook off the hurt I was feeling at the time. But the problem was I started asking myslef Does she really love me? when will this stop?
well needless to say my back got better and healed. So I approached amy and asked her " Amy as you know my back is 100% healed and we have been having great sex lately so When do you plan to stop seeing these other men that you have been *******?she looked at me and said I don't want to stop, are you going to make me?" I reluctantly said no because of our work schedules and I didn't feel it was fair to her to take this away from her. So I asked if tere could at least be some ground rules for her playing. she agreed and we set the following guide lines. : no playing with anyone on the weekend sinhce that was our only full days we had together. , Also no unprotected sex. even though she has an IUD, we dont need STD's to come into our relationship. , and the last guideline was to share the expirience with me.
Now the last guideline had murkied itself over time. It got to where I was getting turned on by her telling me all of the times she had went and got ****** by these other guys and how much fun she had ******* them really started to turn me on. She had also agreed that If I wanted to play then I could but aksed that I made sure that it didn't interfere with our relationship. And (because I am bisexual) that I only have sex with other men. the reason was because for one it turned her on and I also enjoy sex with another man, and two she doesn't think (because I am an emotional guy) that I could separate love from sex with another woman . I agreed to these terms and I have to say it has never caused a problem .......... Until now.
Ok present day. Amy has recently met a new lover. (let's call him Dave -again not his real name -) I have just recently found out that she is in love wit this guy. when I expressed my concerns with her she tells me to trust her and please try to understand that while yes she has love for Dave it is not the same level of love that she has for me and that at the end of the day, he is just another lay. In speaking with Amy she has told me all about Dave. She said that like her he was in a ****** marriage and it ****** him up, and with her talking to him about it they forged a bond, a loving bond. I am very concerned by this. I love Amy so much and I don't want to leave her and I don't want to llose her but I don't know how much of this I can take. It is ripping my heart out . I am so ******* scared to lose her it makes me nausious. I want to see her happy but at what price to my self esteem and to my feelings? Part of me wants to just crush her by strinking up a relationship of my own with another woman and letting Amy find out about it. But I am not made that way. I don't have it in me to be so cruel, but what can I do? I can't talk to any of my friends or family about it because they don't know I am bi for one, two they don't know that Amy and I swing. they would think we are ******* insane and tell us to break up. amy and I do have a 6 month daughter together. (yes it is mine) but we are unmarried. I aksed her today if she would consider marring me and in the past when the subject came up she got excited about it and her eyes gleamed but today she got angry and said that she doesn't want to be pressured. WTF? my heart is broken into pieces and I want to cry all the time but I have to hide my feelings around her because I don't want to start a fight and drive her to him even further than what she is now. But I can't forbid her from seeing him because I know she might go see him anyway behind my back and I couldn't take that. Does anyone relate to this? can anyone help me try to figure out what to do? I love Amy very much and I couldn't bear it if she broke up with me. Am I just ****** for now until thier relationship has run it's course? I have been dealing with this for two weeks now and everytime I see her texting him I just want to yell at her and tell her that this is our time together and I want to just rip the phone out of her hand and throw it across the room. I am so confused right now and I have had my heart torn from me. I love her so much I just don't know what the **** I can do. Please if anyone that reads this story can help me then please let me know please respond with a comment on this story please I am begging for help. Thank you for your time.
Jason (yes that is my real name lol).