To Scared To Find Love

14 years ago i had this crush on a work collegue .She was absolutely gorgeous and had the personality to go with it. She already had a boy friend at the time so i didn't go there. You see i was single at the time and had peaked after me college years lol,which is ok, so i started dating and  with me 1st serious relationship which was not with me work collegue but a friend of my cousin which i have to admit i did enjoy,only lasted 3 years due to having different interest. After I had ended it with her about 4 months later i had started seeing somebody else. At that time i had just started seeing that somebody else for a few months i had just learnt that me work collegue had broken up with her partner of 7 years which i was completely gutted about.(not that they had broken up but just the timing!) After so many years of working together i had slowly fallen in love with her .I did not confess it to her while she was with her partner and by the time she was single and was seeing me 2nd serious relationship i did not tell her. Understand that even thou i was in love with me work collegue i could not find it in my heart to break up with my 2nd relationship,you could call it being a coward but at that time i thought i was being loyal. 4 years later im still with the 2nd girl but for the 3rd and 4th year it was probably 2 of me worst years of me life. When i had moved in with her she started downgrading my race and started physically and mentally abusing me.  I would like to thank ex-boyfriends for that. I ended up breaking it up with her. I would always be telling my work collegue about my situation,she always said that i should dump her. I have to admit as well towards the end of that relationship she confided in me that she has feelings towards me. That pretty much had me dazed for a couple of weeks lol. We did kiss a couple of occasions but i told her that we couldnt proceed until i brake it off with me 2nd which i was planning on doing anyway. After that we started seeing each other, she was also at the time seeing somebody else but was going thru a similar situation that i had been in. Well she broke it off with him,so we started dating but kinda dating like to places where nobody would see us cause she didnt want her ex to know. After a few months of always chating on the fone she suddenly stopped calling and texting. We still spoke at work she said that she was busy or had some lame excuse. After months of no texting she started texting me again.i asked wat was up but all that she could reply was"i dont know'. I opened up to her and said that wateva hapned will never happen again. We will always be open to each other,so no more of those games. You see thats the love of my life so i dont want to see it fall apart again. A few months later she starts playing up againit started with xmas and how she was on the fone just till before midnite and as well as new years  . I tried to find out whats going on but she just ignores me.Later on i found out  that she had been seeing someone else and that broke my heart. We spent months talking about how we were meant to be and that we would  have no games everything that couples talk about. Being heart broken i soon learnt that she was pregnant to that other guy. That killed me for a few weeks. I son lerned that she was having problems with him but was telling one of the othr work collegues. He is also a good freind of mine. He doesnt no about me and her infact nobody does. I son found out later that he and she had been sleeping together. I found out while i was on the fone with her she was texting him and he was texting her.i would see him texting then sending then would hearr her fone recieve.. She would hav a sex joke for me to pass over on the  fone for hm thinking i wouldnt have a clue. You see iwould be on the fone to her giving her the stocktake order because believe it or not she had become the new owner making her my new boss! So in that moment i couldnt breathe or even focus on doing the order. I dont no how i did it but i manage just barely tho. After that i had a broken heart for six months. I couldnt do the things that i loved doing, dancing investing in property (which i still havent started yet),as well as exercising. Six months with a broken heart and another six months just to recover. I am still kinda recovering i guess bt  i have started dancing and doing the hobbies i use to do. But you see she has taken the love away from my passions. Theres also more, you see 13years previously i had seen a psyhic who told me that i was good at drawing which i was so i thought she fluked it. She also said that i was gona be quite wealthy or more like good with money cause she can see a bank manager and an accountant beside me lol. I laughed wen she had said that cos i would get paid on wednesday and my money would dissappear by saturday!lol  She also said that i would marry some blonde chick which i laughed at that as well and by that time i was pretty keen for a refund! I am an islander an that time every island would of loved to of heard that. This is where it gets complicated for me, you see i have become good with money i also applied for a preapproval for a house which i have got and im planning on becoming financially freeits something that i would of never dreamed of doing at that age. See at the time while i was going out with my work collegue i was thinking about what the psyhic was saying thinking that i was gonna hook up with a blonde chick while she was a brunette. You just cant help yourself but laugh at what she had said.Whos laughing now! Im to scared to love now cause now im into chicks that is from my culture or similar. I tried to be open minded realizing that its an individual thinking thing but still kinda struggle with it. Thats from being with my 2nd partner.but the fact is that i cannot hook up sorry donot want to hook up with a chick from my culture cause if i do, i dont know if i could handle the heartache again. CONFUSED. In this experience i am no saint as as well even tho i have made it out to be i have my flaws.

Peaknukle Peaknukle
31-35, M
3 Responses Feb 18, 2010

I m 38 year ond and single. I am also scared of everything even from people to whome i know. I dont know how to get rid from this problem. Please help me. I am also looking for a life partner forever

I say give love another shot. You have grown, and so has your ability to love and detect deceitfulness. When you see the signs, discuss them with your partner, but it the crap continues then by all means move on. If you fall in love, keep in mind your rationality. If things with her do not add up, then its a good chance the are not, even if your heart begs to differ. But all in all, I say give her a try, let the past be a teacher, but you must be in control of your present.

i'm def scared to love cause the pain is so bad at the end.. :/ haa, it drives me crazy.