Yeah, Pretty Much Terrified At This Point.

Where to start?

My first crush, my best friend dumped me just for happening to like the same guy she did - not like I ever had a chance with him.

My first actual love-interest, my (male) best friend, we did everything together and he taught me how to kiss... then came out of the closet at a party one day when he introduced me to his boyfriend.

My first boyfriend was a suggestion by the above-mentioned gay-friend. I was arm-candy, apparently, and he expected me to kiss on the first date but didn't have a single clue what he was doing. He broke up with me when I didn't talk to him for a week because I was in the hospital.

My first hook-up didn't let me know it was -just- a hook-up until a few days after when I caught him playing one of the girls in my Spanish class.

My first fiance was a sex-addict who liked to tell everyone about his escapades... real or imagined, with me and/or others...

My first love was clueless about it, thought he was in love with and going to marry my roommate (who ended up being my maid of honor and remains unmarried), and still is the best friend I've ever had.

My husband is controlling and abusive and I'm not sure what he's going to do now that I've taken our son and left him.

My "emotional affair" (the first love finally wised up) is being abused in his marriage but somehow won't leave even though he has no kids to keep him there.

So while I'm finally confident enough to get out of my situation and know that I -can- handle being alone for the rest of my life if it comes to that... I really don't -want- to be if I can help it, but I will NEVER just "settle" again... first love, or no love from here on out. I just wish I didn't feel so hopeless about love in general at this point... I'm so sick of getting hurt I feel like I'm just going to end up hurting the people who really DO care about me - and I often get the feeling that I can't even have a normal conversation anymore because since the abuse I'm always afraid of people's reactions whenever I open my mouth and I never know how to take anything people say to me anymore.

Is there really anything more terrifying than "love"? And how can I know for sure when/if I find anything that'll actually last?

ViolaPercy ViolaPercy
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 19, 2010

I know how you feel. I agree "I will NEVER just "settle" again". I wish you the best of luck in finding true love.