Jitters.

Was sexually harassed by a much older, bigger boy when I was young. And then I moved to a new city. And I was harassed by boys for three years straight for being "ugly". I was punched, slapped, and made fun of viciously. "Would you rather jump off a cliff, or date ____?" "I'd rather DIE!" Anyone above average looking is intimidating. But people who give me these scary stares scare me even more. They literally make me shiver. I feel a vibe from them. And it scares me.
Even though I've grown out of "the ugly", I'm still afraid of boys. They have to approach me first, and give off a positive, pleasant vibe, when they speak, or else I'll get nervous. I'm afraid of rude boys the most. The ones that say mean things, and then smile when I pass by. I hate mixed messages. They're so scary.
And... This is why I'll never be able to talk to a boy first. And maybe it'll be why I'll end up alone. Because boys say I'm intimidating to approach... Which is funny... Because they don't know how intimidating it is for me to approach them. How do I know they're not going to tie my hands behind my waist and do what they want with me? How do I know they're not going to make fun of me, or hit me for not being good enough? It gives me jitters, just thinking about it.
And I know better, than to trust men. Because all they want is one thing. But I'll never ever give it to them. I've learned from so much, and I'm not about to let a horror story happen to me and knock me down.
Fuzzies Fuzzies
61-65, M
Sep 5, 2012