IT'S CALLED "ANDROPHOBIA."

Androphobia, the fear of men. Why would a girl or woman be afraid of men? On the outside, it's seems like an irrational fear, perhaps even crazy. Yet, for someone like me, it's very real.

Androphobia has been found in girls as young as four who were physically and/or sexually abused. Girls and women who were raped or sexually assaulted have been known to develop this fear. In the last week of World War II in Germany, tens of thousands of German women were raped and viciously assaulted by Soviet soldiers, many of them over and over again. Thousands of these woman committed suicide rather than face another man. Yes, Androphobia is a real fear, especially for me.

In the 7th grade, I was sexually assaulted by a boy who was a foot taller than I and weighed over 100 pounds more than I. In a crowded hallway between classes, this boy reached under my skirt, grabbed my butt and ripped off my skirt. I then fell to the floor, losing my glasses. I screamed and I was terrified out of my mind. Thank God two teachers saw what happened and came to my rescue. One teacher wrestled my attacker to the floor while the other one covered me up and took me to the nurse's office.

The entire event was over in less than a minute, but I'm forced to live with it the rest of my life. The boy was arrested and I had to be at his trial. Justice was served, but for years I relived the experience on a daily basis. I still have occasional nightmares. For six months afterwards, I had to go to therapy. I was prescribed medications intended to reduce my anxiety, but one of the side affects was to make me severely depressed and suicidal. In the 9th grade, I nearly killed myself with rat poison.

I no longer have to take that medication. But the year that I graduated from college, I went to a job interview. After getting onto an elevator, four men, all dressed in business suits rushed onto the elevator, just as the door closed. I freaked! I began to hyperventilate and nearly fainted. When one of the men tried to help, I screamed. One of the men who was on the elevator was the same man whom I had the job interview with. Needless to say, I didn't get. the job. He must have thought I was crazy.

I have improved over time. I can "work" along side men, provided that it's out in the open and other women are nearby. But I still get nervous if I have to go into a room by myself with a man.

But perhaps the one thing that every woman hopes for in life is to meet a man, fall in love, marry and have a family. But this is something that I will never experience, simply because it is impossible to be intimate with a man. I just can't do it. The boy who assaulted me robbed me of that natural simple pleasure.

Many people think that I'm a lesbian, but I'm not. I'd have to call myself "complicated." But the woman that I now share my life with is one, only, neither one of us, back when we met in the 9th grade knew it at the time. Only when she came out in her early 20's did anyone know.

My name is Emma and my best friend is a lesbian. Her name is Katie and her love and undying friendship for me literally saved my life. Over the past 10 years, Katie and I have been closer than a picture on a wall. When she told others that she was gay, her world fell apart and she was the one that needed help. Then it became my turn to help and support her, like she did for me all these years. It was at that time that I realized that I loved Katie as much as she loved me. Only at first, unlike Katie, it was not in a sexual way. My love for Katie was at first, based more on need than on want.

Katie was offered a job in another city that offered her a great opportunity. I wanted her to take the job even though it met that she would go away. That was the time that she told me that she loved me and didn't want to leave. I didn't want her to go either, then something inside me compelled me to tell her that I loved her too and furthermore, I wanted to go with her.

At that moment, Katie took a chance and kissed me. To make a long story short, I liked it. That very night we made love for the first time. The intimacy that I could never know with a man I enjoyed with Katie.

Let the world judge us, I no longer care. For the first time in my life, I'm not afraid to be close someone. At last, I'm truly happy.

EmmaSylvester EmmaSylvester
26-30, F
1 Response Aug 31, 2014

As a real caring and gentle daddy with a daughter of my own, I want you to know and feel love and security as every child, girl, woman and person should know. I also wish for you, at some point in your life to know a man who, like me will only show you love and kindness.