I Know Why I Fear... But Why Haunted Like This

I know why I am afraid of men. I don't know if this is getting too personal but my mother never gave us a good life. At three she met the biggest monster I know. She sent us to plenty of babysitters, my brother's aunt and uncle being the worse. We were abused there and while I do not remember much, I used to have nightmares about a dark room in there. My brother told me it was because he, my sister and i were raped by his uncle. I was not even in school. But that doesn't even begin to be the reason of my fear. Although it is my fear of ducktape and maybe my old fear of the dark. My fear of men is from the monsterous boyfriend my mother was with up until three years from now. He was abusive, I am not sure whether to his own children and why he never hit my mother but he abused my sister, brother and I... I got the worse of it. He sexually abused me, I thought only touching me and once he tried to get me to give him a blow job while he thought I slept but lately every night I have nightmares of him finding me and always that threat of rape. I lost a lot of my memory in a black out and I continue to have them when I am angry. I am not sure why I have been having these dreams, they are worse than the nightmare where he was a vampire and they were taking over the world, they chased us in a car and somehow i ended up in a bloody bathroom with dead people and he raped me while we were covered in blood... somehow these beat that. they were more realistic by far

i cannot even so much as date even though my hormones want me to... i wont even let a guy hug me unless its my own brother

haunted16 haunted16
18-21, F
Feb 14, 2010