The More I Feel, The Further I Run

I've just realised something about myself recently. The stronger I feel towards something or someone, the more I push it/him/her away. The more intense the emotion, the more I get unsettled and uncomfortable. My reaction: run away. Run as fast as I can and don't look back. I also don't know what to do when a person expresses their feelings. I avoid them like the plague.

No wonder my life is so f*d up. No wonder I'm so damn lonely. 35 years, and I only noticed it now. I can only think of two, TWO instants in my life when I can say, oh, I'm happy. My parents commented they've only seen me happy ONCE. I want to tell people I'm happy, I'm angry, I love them, I'm sad, I'm tired, but the words wouldn't come out. When I push it, I feel sick. I can't commit to a relationship, because the moment I truly "feel" for someone, I close down and bolt. The whirlwind of emotions freaks me out.

Ha ... now that I know what's wrong with me, I guess I have to do something about it.
lyn2726 lyn2726
31-35, F
2 Responses May 11, 2012

i feel the same way

Good once we find the cause the cure is easy. Ok, have we found the cause, NO. What is the reason for pushing? Did you have any abuse or trauma in the past or in childhood to make you hate the closeness?

Honestly, I'm not sure. I've had a fairly typical life. I don't know where it went wrong for me. I first realised something was not really right when I realised that I don't like people touching me. Whenever someone hugs me, there's a part of me that wants to keep them apart from me emotionally. I don't know why.

Up until last year I'd had a pretty regular life too, nothing traumatic yet I did the same thing, maybe you're scared of getting too close to people in case you get hurt? I think that is what it was for me, just try push yourself but by bit and see what happens