Its Just Too Painful....

I've always been extremely nervous when it comes to relationships. Always.
As a result I've usually pushed girls away, or done something stupid that ruined it.
Or I've chosen the wrong girl, or they've hurt me and as a result I've given up trying.

I don't like rejection, I don't like getting hurt. These are the most pressing things when it comes to getting into a relationship. Its just painful. Why would I put myself through that again?
I can't deal with all this emotion, its too much for me.

I hate the way no-one can ever speak directly either. Its always hidden meanings and questions. Something has always been hiding in any of my relationships. The truth is never quite there.

Now I have a new reason never to let anyone get close. I'm afraid of their judegement. I don't need pity or scorn or anything else added on to me. I can't take emotion as it is let alone with other peoples added to me.
I can't ever get close because I know my pain and demons will come out. They're bound to because relationships help put them there. Helped make me so screwed up to begin with.

I'm a virgin and now I can't have sex either. Because of the scars I've gut all over my body. In my view they're awful and I'm used to seeing them. Someone else is going to run at the first sign of them. I'm never going to let it get to that stage because I couldn't take that.
These scars will take years to fade. And thats if I stop know, which I'm not able or willing to do.

So relationships are out for me. I can't take the pressure of them. But I'm desperatley crying out for one. Because it would do me some good. It would benefit me greatly if someone showed care or compassion because I might just b able to accept it from someone else because I don't have any for myself.
AgeonAngel AgeonAngel
Jul 22, 2010