How Even Metamorphosis Failed Me

I was an ugly duckling during my adolescence. Even worse, just as I started into puberty, I developed a critical autoimmune disorder that was terribly disfiguring and frightening. I was crazy-smart (IQ 160), horribly insecure, and communicated better with my books than my peers.

It didn't help that my parents were incredibly repressed, and never spoke of sex beyond vague threatening stories about how it (and teenage pregnancy) could potentially ruin my life.

I've changed. The disorder got much better, I learned to use my quick and analytic mind in the social scene, and got into a wonderful school that promotes the growth of women in a singular way. I discovered I was actually very pretty, and I found I was very good at witty discourse, being charming, and a natural leader.

Unfortunately, I'm also terribly repressed and have developed a deeply-entrenched method of categorization and "stick it underneath the bed and don't think about it" that I use whenever I find anyone attractive. The thought that someone might find me personally attractive (as opposed to generally attractive) scares me. This fear literally drives me to take on a "I'm one of the boys" attitude that is unnatural to me, and prevents me from responding or even acknowledging interest expressed.

On a theoretical level, I'd love to have a relationship, and I'm confident I can be good at it. On a personal scares me shitless, and I don't even know why.
larivatebro larivatebro
18-21, F
3 Responses Feb 26, 2007

yeah i can feel where you;re coming from a bit, i'm terribly shy & i know this is sad bt until recently i couldn;t even talk to guys as mates. i am 18 1/2 now and have never had a boyriend or been kissed, & i can feel pressure on me to go out with someone to prove there's not something wrong with me bt right now i just wanna be single. beascially, for ages and ages i wanted a relationship bt i was too shy; now i'm more confident i just wanna live life and i'm scared of a guy knocking the little confidence i i don't want sex right yet & that;s pretty much a big thing for most guys my age, so i don't want to be pressured into it when i;m not comfortable. i hate the thought of dependency on someone else!<br />
when i was about nine this guy of my own age kept asking me to kiss him when i didn;t want to, then he was like "get in my bed" and i did- i knew it was wrong bt i was too scared to say no. i jsut felt like he had control over me & it was horrible- i feel so weak, humilated and slutty. we never did anything apart from kiss in his bed, bt i felt so guilty about it afterwards and felt violated. he also asked me to "*****" him and at that point i freaked out. maybe this is the cause of my fear of intimacy? because if i want to kiss a guy i see it as a sign of weakness, like i can't control my feelings & i hold back from doing it everytime. the scary thing i'm nearly 19!

I tried cruise ships, friendships, airships, worships and hardships, so I guess I am ready now for relationships.

I think you should give it a try next time you find someone you are interested in. You just have to be brave and take a chance! You may might not find the right person right away but you have to take risks sometimes if you want someone to come into your life. I am sure you will have all kinds of offers just don't shy away from them. Good luck out there!<br />