How Even Metamorphosis Failed MeI was an ugly duckling during my adolescence. Even worse, just as I started into puberty, I developed a critical autoimmune disorder that was terribly disfiguring and frightening. I was crazy-smart (IQ 160), horribly insecure, and communicated better with my books than my peers.
It didn't help that my parents were incredibly repressed, and never spoke of sex beyond vague threatening stories about how it (and teenage pregnancy) could potentially ruin my life.
I've changed. The disorder got much better, I learned to use my quick and analytic mind in the social scene, and got into a wonderful school that promotes the growth of women in a singular way. I discovered I was actually very pretty, and I found I was very good at witty discourse, being charming, and a natural leader.
Unfortunately, I'm also terribly repressed and have developed a deeply-entrenched method of categorization and "stick it underneath the bed and don't think about it" that I use whenever I find anyone attractive. The thought that someone might find me personally attractive (as opposed to generally attractive) scares me. This fear literally drives me to take on a "I'm one of the boys" attitude that is unnatural to me, and prevents me from responding or even acknowledging interest expressed.
On a theoretical level, I'd love to have a relationship, and I'm confident I can be good at it. On a personal level...it scares me shitless, and I don't even know why.