It Must Be Why...

Given my disastrous track record. Picking emotionally unavailable men. Over analysing. Trying to sabotage my happiness by letting fear take over.

Now I find my self at a time in my life when I am breaking down my barriers. Just a little chip at a time.

Thing is that I have been in love only twice in my life. The second time only recently. And that ended so disasterously that I'm afraid it will break my new found resolve.

I'm thinking that it may just be easier to have sex and not bother with intimacy at all.

It just hurts so much. The rejection leaves me feeling so worthless. At least when I don't have my emotions invested in a man I am calm and serene.

Of course I am lonely, but somehow that seems more bareable to the un controllable urges I get when infatuated. I just can't seem to find another soul who is passionate like that.

It's just demoralising to only be wanted for sex. This pattern has gone on for so long that my fear about being in a relationship is irrational. I think that's because it's a fear of the unknown.

I ask myself. Could anyone really put up with me 24/7? Could I really lay myself that bare? Just the concept of having a partner seems to get more alien as the years pass.

But as I said. I am at a time in my life where I really need this. I'm trying to get over the hurt and self blame game of the last man.

I try not to think about what he did to me. Try to tell myself that it had nothing to do with me. Him not being able to commit with me at all, and abandoning me when he got what he wanted.

But it's ruining things for me now because my trust has been eroded. I have my guard up a but more now and I know people can tell.

I'm getting very fatalistic. I'm getting so disappointed that my role in life seems to be as a woman who will prop you up and fill the gaps in your life. I never seem to be first. Never a priority.

Oh sure I have alot of very close and dear friends. It's not like I am not loved in that sense. But it makes my (pathetic) romantic life - or lack thereof - so much more frustrating.

It makes me hurt bodily when I can sense all the love in me lying dormant. it physically hurts.
Misseddie Misseddie
41-45, F
2 Responses Jan 18, 2013

Venting or asking for suggestions ?

You know my views. You will find someone when your not looking. I will help and support you where I can x